Thanks Shiny....I know i need to let it all out...let h know how I feel.
This a.m. at church we had a few minutes to talk..he mentioned that I had said I might get a new cover for sofa and that I really don't like the chairs we have, so he suggested that he would take the old and I could get new...so of course that brings me down a notch..why? could be he knows he does not want to be with me..could be his furniture is crap and ours is ok, but I am tired of it..want something new..could be..who knows..in my mind he is saying let's move on...in my mind..now that's where I do all this assuming...
So..I do need to talk to him We are going out to dinner as a family for dd birthday tonight, he was coming over early, so if no one else home..maybe I should bring it up..well see.
Yea..I know..I know...ASSuming...sometimes my middle name!!!
he is not one to go out and furnish his place with brand new stuff..a year ago he did not want too much stuff as he said he did not know how long he would be there...when I look back on what he said then..I do see that maybe part of it is that he's not sure what I am thinking...another reason that I have to tell him..what else do I have to lose... I will in my own time..I will not wait a year..believe me.
Dinner was great..the drive there was like old times..we laughed and talked like nothing has ever happened...that is what makes this r strange...we can get along...have fun..that has to a plus on our side.
Oh well...tomorrow is a new day...and ick it will be a Monday too!!
Been so busy and tired at work...I don't know how you high stressed..long hours.. people do it.
Nothing new..h did come and sit with me at church dinner Wed. p.m. but other than that nothing. I keep thinking about looking at new furniture but I get sad and teary thinking about giving him the old stuff, that we picked together and to me it says "I know you are never coming back"...I should be excited to get new stuff..and I love to shop, but I just don't feel happy doing this..if he asks again I will then hopefully have the chance to tell him how I feel. I know so many of you are wondering what the h*** I am so afraid of to just talk to him...I am not afraid of him, just afraid of the outcome...or maybe I am at a point where if we don't talk it will all go away, but I really know that will not happen.
When I am at work, and I walk into the courtroom, I visualize us there... and I am so saddened. But as I have said for over a year..I am not going to let this pull me under...there is alot of life out there...this week my bil and 30 other people lost their jobs in a family owned business...I look around and try to see all the blessings that are right before me...will work on pma.
I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving.. Just post Thanksgiving journaling...MIL is out of state this year and we are having dinner on Sunday..so I asked h if he would like to come over and have homemade pizza for thanksgiving..he said he would...his sister also came..it was so great..he laughed and it was like old times...he even took his shoes off and lef them where he always did..AND put his wallet on buffet in d-room..like he always did......I know it sounds silly, but he has not done either of these for most of the visits he has come over...so to me to see them there was a warm fuzzy feeling...he brought his laundry to do, and did not ask first, as he has done in the past...
Do any of these things mean anything...probably not...but they made me feel good..
Something is bugging me and I should not even expect to be asked, but at church I saw a sign that the staff party is Dec 14, and for the past 4 years I have gone..even last year he asked me.....so why is it bugging me that if he does not ask me this year then I really will know that he is detaching from me...living his life as a single...I should not even be thinking about things like that...we are s.........so I need to refoccus on that and to start to let go..for good.........but it is soooooooooo hard to let go of 25 years.........I thought I was stronger than I feel on some days...
Quote: .I thought I was stronger than I feel on some days...
sue,
you are stronger than you even know!!! look at what you've dealt with for this past year, and you've done it all with grace and class that is very admirable!
whatever will be will be...why not just in case make yourself some plans with some friends for the 14th just incase he doesn't ask, so that you'll have something else to keep your mind on?
Just journaling...can't sleep...and my sleep is rarely interrupted..I have so much going on in my head..questions to ponder..
Am I ready to just give in and tell h to move on with a d? Some days I am....I am tired.. mentally and physically..have a cold and cough..so I try to rationalize this.I keep rehearsing all the tings I want to tell h..why am I so chicken to call him and tell him to meet me or that i am coming over to his apt..and then just tell him how I feel?? Why..I don't know..insecurity..fear..what else do I have to lose..I know I sound like a broken record, and most of you are tired of hearong it again...but I need to go somewhere to vent and replay it all..so bear with me As i was shopping, I noticed all the couples together and felt sad..then I think..well this could be my last year with inlaws as part of family..and feel sad...I am just in a mood that I have not been in for along time. Help someone knock some sense into me!!!!
Also, new computer program at work goes live Monday..and most of the staff don't know wtf to do with it...should be interesting.
We are going to MIl's for thanksgiving dinner..so it should be fun..
First of all NO ONE is tired of hearing what you have to say. And as for feeling like a "broken record" WE ALL sound like broken records because we're replaying and replaying so many of these fears, thought, etc in our heads and on these threads....THAT'S perfectly alright and what this BB is intended for.
NEXT time you're at the mall shopping, instead of seeing all the couples and thinking
Quote: this could be my last year with inlaws as part of family..and feel sad...
try thinking....THIS TIME NEXT YEAR...my H and I can be one of those 'seemingly' happy couples again.
The ups and downs of all this hell are the greatest test of our emotional strength and will that we will EVER endure. But you have to remind yourself what your end goal is and how long it took to get to where you guys are today and how much patience and TIME you'll need to get back to being the loving couple you once were.
I AM the Queen of 'giving up' at times....but I'm still here...I haven't really gone anywhere YET...and I don't suppose I will for quite some time.
Hang in there Sue, YOU have the rest of your lives to work through this IF YOU CHOOSE to do that. T2
This is what the BB is for: venting! And we All know how you feel, we have all been there. It does get better.
I agree with T2, don't look for negatives, look at the positives. And put it in your mind that you can get back together with your H.
I never would have believed 8 months ago that I would be where I am now! So chin up, look how far I've come! It takes more patience than you thing you can dig up. But somewhere you will find the strength. Sometimes it will surprise you where you pull it up from!
So start "acting as if" you and your H will get back together! It has been working for me! It gives you a great state of mind, and in my case it is working!
So, by all means, vent here, rant and rave. We don't care, that's what we are here for!
