ok, so this is probably not a song you will know it's by cinderella from the 80's.
quirky thing about this stuff is it's true...don't know what ya got til it's gone.
sounds to me that h just doesn't know what he wants...may like to "try" again...but also fears it not working? hey that's normal I'd be scared too...I recall "THE" convo I had with my h before he started to come home...he expressed his fears etc...I didn't "have all the answers" for him, but did let it be known that "hey, I'm kinda likin' my life too ya know and the thought of trying again and having it fail then having to work to get back to feeling good again doesn't sound fun...but wtf not?" I am a bit bold though and stating such things was a risk.
what the heck am I saying anyway?
don't know sue...but I do know that life has got to be about YOU! sure do things with h, invite him all you want, don't fret over what he's doing cause if there's one thing that's certain in life is that ya just never know what's gonna happen.
I know it's not what you want to hear but perhaps you can leave this talk breathing a sigh of releif (and that's ok too) that you at least have an answer...allow yourself to accept it and be more relaxed around h. things change all the time but you can't hold onto that...now alot of people may say...why the heck are you telling sue to give up hope? becuase for some darn reason it seems that when we let go and breath things change...we are more comfortable...we've gotten the answer and we are not pretending it's a lie or a phase it just is what it is, relax...be you, be calm, be fun, and it's just amazing what happens when suddenly that spark of hope is no longer seen in your eyes...the saddness is gone the hurt is gone and you can breath..they see it...they like it...they suddenly know what they had...ah but here's the kicker...what's gone doesn't have to be gone for good!
let me know if that makes any sense to you...I'm kinda in one of those rambly moods where I know what I'm tryin ta say but can't just say it simply.
Right there with you Hoping. I got my talk 10 days ago now (I asked for it when his behaviour made it clear that he wouldn't be coming home as he had said).
It makes you question everything doesn't it? Have I just been in denial all this time I thought I was DBing? Why won't he just try?? I have so many good ideas!!
What I have realised is that I cannot be the one to call it quits, or I will never feel I tried hard enough. But on the other hand I don't want to wait around in limbo and holding out false hope if it stops me from working on myself and being ready for new opportunities.
So I have decided that the door is still open, but nobody is at the reception desk anymore. I am looking after me while maintaining a friendship (despite my aching heart).
And you know what? DBing has worked to a point - he once blamed me, couldn't bear to look at me, was angry with me. That has all gone. While he is often distant, there are times when we can laugh together - and for the sake of our children we have to remain friends.
I am reading a lovely book - Good News for Bad days by Peter Keenan. Its very spititual (not usually my style, I'm very practical), but I have found it very calming. There is opportunity for growth in every crisis if you choose to experience it. Listen to your heart and it will guide you to what you need to help you.
Hi..guys..I did sleep ok...tossed a little..thanks for the encouragement..LL..you always make sense,and I do feel a peace in at least knowing where he stands. I intend to keep working on me.
Pam..Deb..thanks too...Does seem that h wants me to be able to move on with no hopes for him coming back..why would he think that I can't move on while still being m or I guess s?We have both explored and found new stuff this past year..I am not looking to move on to another man, and he said there is no one else.But as we have all learned he is scared and likes the life he has right now...no committments..no having to work at rebuilding a m..all mlc stuff????AND remember he said he was not interested in sex either...coming from a guy who did pretty good there!!!!!! (when I think that I blurted that out, I could die..)
Pushme..glad to meet you..I definately know dbing has helped..it is so much about ourselves..and moving on with or without the spouse...I am forever greatful for being here.We will be ok.
I know maybe I broke all rules...I did want to call h and ask about doing some repair stuff around the house..also told him he could have the queen bed, and I would get a smaller one..give me more room in bedroom..I wanted to tell him about the comment I made Fri about having sex.it has weighed on my mind how stupid I was to have said that.....anyways..I left a message..told him I did not know where it came from..except that I guess I still found him attractive..I know..maybe that was a pressure thing.but ya know what I have waited what seems like a long time to get his feelings out.well while I was gone he called back..told our s to have me call him..so I went up to bedroom and called..of course he started talking about the new floor I would like he and s to put down..and he said" so you want to give me the bed"..I said I only need a full size..figured it is still big enough for two!!I did not say that to him.. I said about the other part of message......to just forget it that you must think I was really stupid...he said"no, I did not think that"..I said I did not want it to drive you to never want to be with me or speak to me..he said,"no..it won't"..he was totaly cool about it..I told him I did not sleep all that great thinking about everything...he again said I did not have to do anything about anything next week..next month..or even 6 months from now..but to think about it...I said that I was so afraid of finances..he said he would always be sure that I had someplace to live....I said he did not have to do that..that most do not care..he said he is not like most people....we talked that to kkep the house would probably be cheaper than trying to rent an apt..but I said I dont' know if I want to stay here..he asked why and of course..I was crying and just said I don't know why..I did not say because so many happy memories with you..I said..do you want me to change everything ove r to jsut my name(bills.. joint chk act..) he said no I did not have to unless I wanted to.
We talked so freely..I commented how we have talked more in the past few days then all of our m..he was quiet, so I said do you think that..he said we have talked more and better this past year then before..he also there was no ulterior motive here for any of this..that there was no one else....he said "this is not a hate r..and it is not about you"..I said "when a person leaves a m..it usually is something about the sp..some reason the one leaving fels like they can't live together: he said again"it is not about you".....wtf does that mean..NO, I did not say that to him!!!
I see the fear that he is so high on life and the changes he has made that he does not want to risk it all back with me...I do feel the same in some ways..but I am willing to give it a try.
SO....major things have come out....a load again has been lifted for me......I believe that he is not trying to quickly dispose of our m and me....BUT what do I do from here..........any thoughts.....
Should I tell him that I am going to do my best to keep working on saving m???? That sounds like a "guess I did not make myself clear" on his part.....he seems to "sound" pretty sure that he does not want to try and save it...so how do I do it alone... Michelles books say only one can save it..should I keep working only on me...and hope that he sees there could still be a chance.. or should I keep working on me knowing and accepting that comes 6 months he will probably say "can we proceed legally"..........oh so many things to decide.
I know it has been long and rambly.......thank you to all who have popped over with hugs and kindness......
Quote: Should I tell him that I am going to do my best to keep working on saving m???? That sounds like a "guess I did not make myself clear" on his part.....he seems to "sound" pretty sure that he does not want to try and save it...so how do I do it alone... Michelles books say only one can save it..should I keep working only on me...and hope that he sees there could still be a chance.. or should I keep working on me knowing and accepting that comes 6 months he will probably say "can we proceed legally"..........oh so many things to decide.
mornin' sue,
wether you realize it or not, you've answered your own question.
you don't have to decide anything right now...all you have to do is continue to work on you...accept that currently h is not interested in "saving the m", and continue in that vane open to the possibility that he may change his mind later on.
