H - 40 M - 37 T - 9Y M - 4Y no kids - thank goodness.
i have been told many things by different counsellors. could be MLC codependency on my part of things he has said/done - a lot of projection. personality type - passive aggressive, even bipolar
when d-bomb suggested (not dropped), i begged, cried, pleaded for mc-ing. that lasted two days. during this intial period, it was like h became a different person and i had this need to save him from an evil force. gave h space to think and during that time, consulted with his M&D everyday. M&D fed the frenzy and poof. d-bomb finally dropped. picked myself up and decided to go along with his decision. so far, i have not shed a tear. slowly i stopped caring. started an exercise program to get in shape. started reconnecting with friends and family. during a discussion, h was feeling down and i was feeling good. it seemed to have angered h. h began pushing for legal action and moving on with the d. h knows how much it would hurt me to talk about d and maybe brought it up because i started feeling good and had a smile on my face. he just had to put an end to the happyness.
i realize that i am not responsible for this or h's happiness. maybe that's why there are no tears.
i have my up days and my down days. much weight has been shed. in fact maybe too much weight. but i love the way i look now. i love getting all prettied up and looking at myself in the mirror. i admit i let myself go in the months leading up to the d-bomb but frumpy me no more. it's like i have this single ladies mentality that i want to look attractive for my age. i know still married. but that doesn't seem to stop people from coming up to me. and i love the attention.
i think h is physically attracted to me. caught h looking at me a few times. but i need to do some self-reflection and bring back the person who he fell in love with. i haven't been that person in while.
i need to stop here. this thread is not in the appropriate forum and i dont want to break any rules.
yes, i need the support. i cannot afford ongoing counselling. the forums are my alternative.
should clarify. when i said "lasted two days." it means the begging, pleading, crying lasted two days. h refused mc-ing. said m was too broken to fix. h just wanted out.
Hi Dumped. OK, but let me tell you that that means very little now. My w "agreed" to MC, but is just going through the motions and that's pretty painful to me.
I posted a note to you elsewhere. Our situations sound very similar--my w left me for her parents, moved next door to them, and are getting all her needs met by them. Of course she "decided" to d-file on her own, but they facilitated and enabled it.
Are you still living with your h?
I'd like to hear more from you about it because I think I finally found someone (you) who might have something similar going on. The hope is that similar strategies might work well. Maybe there's a way we can learn something from each other. I've been given some specific advice from other counselors regarding my MIL and FIL that might apply in your situation. If you want to take it offline, feel free to send me an email at summerblue2525@yahoo.com.
I agree w/ the above- dont worry that H refused MC...only natural...set the example by going by yourself- do everything you can do to better yourself, for yourself...forget about H- he is checked out...
I know its hard b/c you're right in the middle of it...this is what I should have been doing all along, but failed to do so...if shirt hits the fan and ends the way you dont want it to...what I'm suggesting is what you will have wished you had done...
we occupied separate rooms in the house. house has been sold. it's really sad. went from a nice home to a small apartment each. just settling in my new place. is it lonely? sometimes. but i know it's for the better.
h went to ic himself and i think he went to justify his reasons for d. h can't move with parents. they live in different states. but h is in constant contact with them. when he doesn't think of them, he's great when he does talk to them, you know they've fed him a heaping spoonful of guilt and then he takes it out on me. it's like jekyll and hyde.
i wouldn't wish this on anybody but i don't feel so alone now.
it's so hard to hear the words "he is checked out". it sounds like you're saying that there is no hope. i'm looking for a sign that says it can be saved.
yes, it is hard to deal with. but i'm doing things i enjoy. meditation, a new exercise program they have helped not only occupy my time but ease the anxiety.
i'm also learning to enjoy my own space. i get to decorate it the way i want to. the MIL used to decorate my house b/c she was just trying to help. my home never felt like my home
i want to save my M. actually no, i don't want my old M. i want to reconcile to a new M. one that incorporates the new changes in our lives.
i am hoping that our separation time involves self-reflection. at least, that is what i am doing.
you gotta realize that when the parents die, who is goig to be there? why can't they figure this out?
I don't know that I have ever told this on the board, but my H & I started having our first problems shortly after we M and it was mostly due to his mother. I was very young and tried hard to win her approval, but I was never good enough. I could not bear for her to find fault with me, so I was in for a bad time of it.
I can look back and see where I was very immature and wish I could redo some things, but until the day she died.....I felt she was first priority in my H's life. I was insecure and handled things unwisely at times. He was always seen as the "good guy" and I was the bad guy. I soon began to resent that very much.
It has nothing to do with honor & obey.......it is in a category all its own. A man doesn't even have to be spoiled or act like a brat to be a mamma's boy. My H was very sweet, kind hearted, etc. but his mother always had her way in our lives. I used to call her the Queen Bee. She ruled and the family knew it!
It's a very long story, but I can tell you this much......you will not be happy if he is a "mamma's boy". I hope you know what I mean. He takes more time for her than anyone else, listens to her advice over anybody else, does more for her....and so on and so on. He never ever tells her "no" under any circumstances and forget about taking a stand or defending his W if mamma says something against her.
And of course, mamma takes full advantage of her "boy" (and if I have to explain what I mean by that....then you aren't M to a mamma's boy).
A woman who is M to a mamma's boy feels like the only reason he M her is simply for sex b/c otherwise "mamma" was his choice in everything else. Yes, I know how you feel when you say you feel that MIL is the OW......I felt the same way until my MIL passed away. I really had to "choose" to forgive her for all the horrible pain that I suffered at her hands. I knew if I didn't forgive her that I would continue to be resentful.
I have referred to my resentment toward my H and what a struggle I had in deciding to stay in my M......well, that was the biggest part of it. Other members of the family (even my own children) told me that he would not defend me whenever his mother would say something nasty about me. Over many years, that starts to take quite a toll.
I have never said this before, but I know exactly how you feel when you said it's like your H has an EA with MIL. I understand it is not sexual.....but it is emotional and it does give her a position in his life that should be reserved for you. I felt the same way. Some may say it is jealousy but I think every woman wants to know that she is the most important person to her H. The scripture tells a man (not the woman) to leave his mother & father and cleave to his W. Mine never did until she was dead.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but unless he decides he wants you more than anyone else and will place you first in his life.....your life will probably have more than its fair share of misery that you shouldn't have to deal with. You have my sympathy.
If anyone scolds me for what I've said, then you can bet they weren't M to a "mamma's boy".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have never said this before, but I know exactly how you feel when you said it's like your H has an EA with MIL. I understand it is not sexual.....but it is emotional and it does give her a position in his life that should be reserved for you. I felt the same way. Some may say it is jealousy but I think every woman wants to know that she is the most important person to her H. The scripture tells a man (not the woman) to leave his mother & father and cleave to his W. Mine never did until she was dead.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but unless he decides he wants you more than anyone else and will place you first in his life.....your life will probably have more than its fair share of misery that you shouldn't have to deal with. You have my sympathy.
If anyone scolds me for what I've said, then you can bet they weren't M to a "mamma's boy".
Wow! This is so insightful and EXACTLY what the situation is for me. Except that it's my wife who has let her mom (and dad) meddle in our marriage and who she willingly let into our marriage, and who she now spends most of her time with. It really is like an EA that seems impossible to crack right now: MIL and FIL benefit hugely from having unlimited access to our son (20+ hours/week), whereas I get around 9+. MIL and FIL get to have their daughter back again. My w gets two full-time fully grown servants living next door to her for free meals (4-5x week), free baby-sitting anytime, housecare, yardcare, free loans, built-in social, running, swimming, hiking...where can I sign up for that kind of deal?
I also love your words that the position that MIL and FIL are occupying is a position that SHOULD BE "reserved" for me, her h. W simply does not see anything at all wrong or dysfunctional about it. In fact, she would say that her relationship is "healthy" and that her parents are her "best friends" and that shes "very close" to her parents. All things that any parent would love to hear from their child...but not when it breaks up a marriage, I guess.
Our MC told me in a private session that my w simply had not made the break from her parents that most people do at age 18. But to my w, who I will bring this up to in MC once we've reconciled, her parents are merely supporters of her feelings.
And of course w does not think that her parents will ever die. They are immortal in her mind. She really is married to them for all practical purposes and has returned to them within one month of d-filing.
What I've decided is that my w will make an excellent w in probably a few years and I want to be there when it happens. I want to create an atmosphere were she can mature. There's too much at stake for me just to run and say "ah, she's a mama's girl and or daddy's girl" and not work on myself maybe open up the possibility of change in my w.
omg. you know exactly how i feel. mil is the ow because the ea is not sexual. it's emotional. i should be filling this role but mil continues to take that spot and will not vacate it.
sandi2 - i don't want to give up on my m. the only reason for d is infidelity and physical abuse. infidelity is the ultimate betrayal for me. non-negotiable.
in a way i do feel betrayed because when we got married, i felt i should have been #1 in his life. but the only need i fulfilled was sex. it makes me feel like a prostitute and not a wife. my desire to be intimate began to shrink because i was able to see that i was just someone to have sex with. this is not what i married for.
now that i've upset the Queen Bee, it's like the biggest deal breaker on earth. i didn't even do anything wrong. she exaggerated the situation and they convinced him that he made a mistake in marrying me. so he is trying to please them by dropping the d-bomb on me and taking the lion share of our net worth.
before me, h had an old apartment and a whack of debt. after marrying me, we upgraded to a large home and was virtually debt free. in fact, things were rosy and people were envious of our success.
this is what i brought to the table. and h wants to drop the d-bomb on me?! i helped build our net worth to what it is today. i took him from being in debt for the last 12 yrs, to debt-free in a matter of 3 yrs. all due to my money management skills.
my mil won't be dying any time soon unfortunately. and until then, he will not realize that the only person who has ever done anything good in his life, was me.
mommy is useless, daddy is useless. even h often gets tired of them so it should only be a matter of time before he realizes what he has lost.
wow. it sure sounds like i've touched a nerve here. i'm glad i'm not alone in this. however, how do you get them to cut the apron strings? who's job is it to cut the apron strings?
i've heard so much about responsibility. i've blamed my ILs for being horrible parents and raising their children to be dependent on them for life. but the children are also adults now shouldn't they be responsible for their own actions and decisions? so who is to blame here? the parents or the children (who eventually become our h or w)?
it's a different kind of a but nonetheless, still an a. they are looking to someone else to fill a void that we as spouses should fill. but we aren't (or weren't ever) given the opportunity to do so.
