Thanks for those lines. I guess I needed to "hear" it from someone else..that this is going to take a while, it won't be solved overnight. In th mean time , learn to cope. I think most of my frustration come from the simple area of not understanding my H. I love him so very much, but even though I try to act as if I understand his depression and his lack of libido, I truly don't "feel it" sometimes, you know?
I keep on thinking he should just snap out of it and be a grown up, be strong, be a man and be sexual. I am very ashamed of this, since I know in my head that I am wrong, but there are so many moments that I get angry with him because I can't put myself on his shoes.
I know I am not a horrible person, and I know I am learning something nobody knows how to deal with ahead of time. I mean, who is ready for a real relationship with all these problems when they are only married for 2 years? NOBODY. I am trying very hard to learn and you guys are my guides, since you are not just a couple of steps ahead, but many steps ahead of me on dealing with your own sitch.
Those coping suggestions are already helping. Oh gosh, I feel so herratic! One day I am fine and see the light at the end of the tunnel and the next I am consumed by despair.
I think my H has some issues with low self esteem, which to me is quite incredible, since he really is good, handsome and very very smart. But, then again, who said that low self esteem has to be based on reality right? I know that when we started having sexual problems I reacted very badly, I felt so hurt and took it so very personal. I know now that I made this problem a bigger problem than it should have been.
I am being a better wife now, I think by just accepting him, as he is , which is what I know I need to do, is what is going to help our marriage.
I have made the mistake of having so many preconsived notions about marriage and how relationships "should be" that I got so unhappy for those few things that were not "exactly" as I thought they should be. Man!... was I inmature! In dealing with this sex problem I have realized how many mistakes I was making (and some still are) and how I was making our marriage worse by doing so.
I guess, I will have to learn patience and acceptance, true acceptance, not just made believe acceptance, then I will be free of this misery and I will free my husband too.
Here I go, to learn how to be a better person and hopefully that will help my marriage too.
I don't know if you saw this, but perhaps it will give you some inspiration. It may sound a little hokie, but it does contain truth.
Offering up inspiration, a thought for the day:
In relationships, we somehow conclude that others are the source of love, and that we have to bargain for that love. We learned this at our earliest ages. In order to gain the acceptance of parents, teachers, playmates, and religious leaders, we learned to deny our truth and accept theirs. The first truth we had to deny was the truth that we came into this world through Love, as Love, being Love. We came into this world knowing no fear, no judgement, no conditions, and had no expectations. We simply WERE.
If we believe that love is a commodity that lives outside of ourselves, and that we have to be good or get it right to earn and receive that love from someone, we will suffer. There will always be the undercurrent of fear -- the fear that we will not be good enough or will not do it right enough, and we will never be open to receive the love we are trying to get.
Try out this new agreement: "My nature is Love. I am the source of Love in my life." Know that Love flows through you as Life itself, as that Divine nature that is in and through all of Creation. There is no where that it is not. And it is in and through YOU. It is your nature. It is now, and it always has been what you are. Today, instead of going into your world looking for sources of love, attention, or appreciation, try going out there wondering where you can share YOUR love. How many ways can you say "I love you" to all of Creation today?
This was written by someone else, but as always, finding our HOPE is what I believe sustains us through our most trying days, our most trying times, our most trying adversities.
Only through giving love with absolutely NO expectations for receiving anything in return do we find the peace and unending love we all seek. It does not mean you become a push-over, it does not mean that you do not have personal standards, it simply means that the love you send out on a daily basis is not dependent upon anyone else's thoughts, feelings or actions -- you send out love for the sole purpose of sustaining YOURSELF. It makes YOU feel good. All love begins with self-love. If you do not love yourself first and foremost, you cannot share that love with others. If you only have limited love to give, you can only receive limited love in return.
Quote: Only through giving love with absolutely NO expectations for receiving anything in return do we find the peace and unending love we all seek. It does not mean you become a push-over, it does not mean that you do not have personal standards, it simply means that the love you send out on a daily basis is not dependent upon anyone else's thoughts, feelings or actions -- you send out love for the sole purpose of sustaining YOURSELF. It makes YOU feel good. All love begins with self-love. If you do not love yourself first and foremost, you cannot share that love with others. If you only have limited love to give, you can only receive limited love in return.
ok ok ok, not to rain on the parade or anything but what happens when you do love yourself and you are happy with yourself and you know that you are full of love and want to share your love and happiness with the people around you and a part of sharing that love involves physical touch and those that you love and wish to share touch with coil away from it?? what then??
I too have been trying to understand how to make myself HAPPIER. The books even say, get new friends, develop new hobbies, work out, etc. I do a lot of these things. I am as happy as I ever can be for myself. THe problem I see is that of the 5 love languages, 4 are emotional and one is emotional AND physical. THe 4 emotional languages can be satisfied in many ways. The language we are in, "Physical Touch" is very different. It REQUIRES THE FULL participation of our spouses, there are no substitutes. If my wife needs more converstation, she calls up a friend. If I need more touching, THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.
I guess what I am trying to say is that Corri's qoute is very good, no doubt, and it is something we all need to do more of. It just does not "FILL" me up enough.
I am right there with you guys on this. Whenever the subject of our lacking sex life comes up she tells me that I need to be happy with myself and that I should not make her responsible for my needs and that there must be something wrong with me for wanting to be physical with her so much. What can you say to that? Nothing. It is very distorted thinking on the part of the LDr. Sexual or physical intimacy needs cannot be met by themselves they REQUIRE the active participation of one's spouse.
I too am happy as a clam with myself. I exercise 4 times a week and am looking better than I have since high school. I am in great shape. I love my personality and my intellect. There are only two things I would change about myself. 1. I would like to be rich, and 2. I would like to have a fulfilling sex life with my spouse. That is it! Everything else in my life is excellent.
The fact of the situation is this. If you are a HDr and your spouse is not trying to resolve the situation in a way that is healthy for both of you, you are being abused. You can be happy all day long, singing songs, and frolicking down the lane, but if I come up and kick you in the teeth...you are going to bleed and not be happy. It is the same thing when a spouse does not treat your physical/sexual needs with the respect they deserve...except that you get kicked in the teeth every single day.
My H (LD) and I (HD) are both physical touch, but we are at vastly different levels of the same language. He's more than content with the snuggling and hand-holding level while I need the intimacy as well. We had figured that we were probably both "physical touch" after reading the book, and our counselor agreed with us.
Hm. You all raise valid points and I honestly understand them. I really do. Rephrase, I FINALLY do. CeMar, I understand your points about the 5 love languages, that four of them are emotional and one of them being emotional and physical.
In order for me to 'rise above' my own troubles, I had to 'learn' how to become more physically intimate (and I'm still learning). I don't FEEL desire the same way you all do, so on an emotional level, I must fuel my own desire. In essence, I am learning to speak my H's language, but I wouldn't say I'm fluent, you know?
Conversely, and this is just a question, not an accusation, I'm wondering if ALL of the physical desire you are feeling is really that, or a need to be reassured by your partners on a physical level. If so, do you think it may be possible to learn how to help fill what you are interpreting as a physical need through other emotional channels? If you could, do you think that the pain might be less accute?
I'm not saying I'm right here, just throwing something out there to discuss.
I personally believe to be all 'emotional' or all 'physical' in terms of meeting needs is not a balanced way to approach life. It's easy to say, 'well, that's just the way I am, that's just the way God built me.' I understand that. I think that is what gets us into these sexual messes to begin with.
So let's say we have a sliding scale, on one end write emotional, and on the other write physical. Now in terms of interacting and sharing love with your spouses only, how will you scale yourself and your perceived 'needs' from one end of the spectrum, to somewhere closer to the middle?
I can hear you all screaming right now, "but what about my spouse!! What do THEY have to do?!!" Well, let's leave them out of it for now and just see where we can head with this.
At least for me, in marriage I am a mix of emotional and physical. However, right now the physical is standing around screaming at me because it is not getting any attention. My emotional side is quite content.
Before marriage, I was probably 70% physical and 30% emotional.
So, before marriage ever entered the picture, what was your sex life like? Are you saying you were damn near suicidal as a bachelor (before you met your wife) from the lack of sex you weren't having, or you went from relationship to relationship, never learning how to be on your own, or you learned how to 'relieve' pressure when no significant other was in the picture, and kept a grip on your expectations.
All the best to you and remember to take care of yourself too, for you. Exercise, keep fit, trim and healthy, if you look good you will feel good about yourself, eat well, sleep well and don't fret. Also remember that it might help to have a big dose of empathy for your H. Shift the focus away from yourself ie. "I'm feeling so unhappy in this M because I'm not getting this and that from it" etc and try to step into your Hs shoes instead. I know you've said its hard but give it a shot, its worth it.
I hope you won't feel too discouraged by the many Hders here who have been trying for years and yet see no results. Everyone's sitch is different. There are just too many dynamics involved in a relationship between H and W. Only you know your sitch well enough and whether its worth whatever path you wish to take it.
To those who have been trying for years, are perfectly happy with themselves etc and yet whose spouses continue to be in denial or to ignore the problem, I do wonder whats keeping you from leaving. Why stay in a M when you are feeling so unhappy? Why stay in a M thats abusive? (if you feel that witholding sex from your spouse is a form of abuse then why stay and be abused?
If you are staying because of children, thats a good reason but then you have made a choice so why not try to be as happy as you can be under the circumstances? If you are staying because you fear your leaving might be devastating to your spouse, well, you are not responsible for another's happiness just as they are not responsible for yours.
If you are feeling so unhappy and feel that you cannot go on living in a M where you have to surpress your sexuality and its beggining to make you sick even, then why stay?
I hope I haven't offended anyone but I just don't get it. If you feel that your M is worth it then work at it 101% and if you feel that you have done all you can and yet........ why stay and complain about how miserable you feel. You don't have to stay miserable, you have a choice.
