Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband got a big promotion and wants to separate!

The first time he asks me to move cross-country with him it was with the promise of marriage. Now he wants me to move across the country AGAIN, and on far less. It's just absurd! But I can't talk to him about it. It's impossible. He loves me, he doesn't love me. He want's to separate, then claims he never said the word. He wants to work on the relationship, he doesn't want to work on the relationship. He's obviously a mess right now and I'm not sure he knows what he wants but I am not moving across the country without some sense of security! If he wants me to go with him he needs to get it together. But he's told me multiple times he only wants me to go so he can be near DS. THAT is not enough security for me. Plus, he can stay and be near DS. He can move near my family and be near DS. His job (current or the new one) doesn't require him to be in WA.

Another thing, he recently (like in the last month) started taking 3 different kinds of medication (for anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety) and is drinking on them even though all 3 meds have warnings that advise not to. I've been wondering if the meds and/or drinking combo have something to do with this situation.

yikes about the meds! get him to the Dr if you can do it without being pushy.

LadyJane,

Get an atty, and do NOT tell him. You are not being "sneaky," you are being WISE. It sends no "message" to him if he doesn't know.

There's a reason they put that little "v" between the names of the parties. Sadly, it's adversarial, but that's the way it works.

All you are doing is BETTER UNDERSTANDING YOUR RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES -- no more.

Puppy

And I think one of those rights would be that if he moved to WA needlessly, it could be considered abandonment in TX.

So, stay where you are.

And you have perfect grounds for D. He is on drugs and alcohol, cheating, mentally abusing you, etc. This is no kind of life for your child.

Well I messed up and got emotional in front of him again today. It obviously pushes him away and makes him like me less. But he is confusing me. One moment he is talking about our future as if nothing is changing and we're going to go to WA and buy a house. The next moment he is talking about how little he hopes to have to pay me in alimony. I'm starting to wonder if he is putting me through the ringer because it gives him some sense of complete control or power over the direction our relationship is going when I am an emotional mess and talking like I don't want to lose him. I mean, he goes from feeling I don't give him enough affection to seeing me boo-hoo over his leaving me, I'm sure it's giving him some sense of satisfaction judging from his behavior (he pretty much walks away from me whistling after this happens). I honestly think he likes it.

One thing I haven't noticed is any further communication (via phone or text) to the OW since the day after I confronted him about it (there were some that night, presumably him telling her I was upset). There's still email and IM but the OW knows now that I am upset about their communications (H told her this, actually) so hopefully SHE is backing off, since she claims there is nothing between them. Otherwise, they have switched to more secretive forms of communication, in which case I regret confronting him about it.

I KNOW that it will improve relations between us if I can just chill out about this and stop getting emotional in front of him. But it is REALLY HARD. He says some of the most callous things about us that just bring tears to my eyes. I really don't clearly understand what he wants or expects from our relationship moving forward. He keeps bringing up these strange ideas about us being together, living together, but being asexual (I can't get a clear meaning from him if this means we'll be having sex with other people or neither of us will never having sex at all or what?!).

I do know his working from home while my being a SAHM and us being around each other 24/7 has caused major friction in our relationship. He shows no sign of getting out of the house more so I've been trying to do that myself. I think we both need space from eachother to be able to tolerate to each other better. I tried to get him to go back into the office a couple times a week just to give us both space from each other but he likes to stay at home and work in his pajamas, nap when he wants, watch tv when he wants, eat when he wants, etc... I still have hope for us working things out as long as I can stay chill (he always has hated it when I get emotional) and give him some space, as long as he doesn't find some OW in the meantime.

LJ, maybe find several activities to do with your little one during the day. No need for you to be home all day! More space sounds like a good idea. H did work at home a lot and it got into a really bad vibe. The disadvantages of togetherness without the advantages.

I have the DB and DR books on the way in the mail too, can't wait to get a chance to read through them. I guess despite my setback this morning I am feeling positive about things right now. I spent the afternoon out with DS, it was a beautiful day so we went to the park and had a great time. Looking into going to the Botanical Gardens and possibly the Nature and Science Center tomorrow, if this great weather holds. Maybe if I find enough fun outings for DS and I then H might become interested in joining us. It's always been hard to get him to do things outside the house with us.

Questions about sex:

After H first said he wanted to separate (the morning after he got home from WA and we spent a long night of lovemaking) he still would try to grab me (my breasts, my butt) and after it happened a few times I finally responded that if he wants to separate from me he can't use me sexually at the same time. I guess I was still smarting from him basically making sure to get laid first before dumping me. So in the two weeks since there's been no sex, or boob grabbing, etc. Well, yesterday he tried to initiate sex and I just asked him "What are you doing?" like it wasn't obvious! But I just felt uncomfortable and didn't know what to do, what was the right thing to do. I don't want to be used, but one of his complaints about me and our relationship is the lack of intimacy. So should I be having sex with him or not? I do have my own sexual needs and I like sex, I just don't know if I should be having sex with him while all this is going on.


ETA: And more confusing is that he keeps saying he wants a platonic, non-romantic relationship with me (where we live together and parent DS but that's it) yet tries to initiate sex. I really am getting confused by the mixed-messages. I just can't understand what it is he wants. Not sure he even knows!

Well, there's still late night phone calls and texting going on. Should I confront him on this again or just start quietly keeping records?

Yesterday before I went to bed he was talking like everything is normal and all the stuff that we'll do once we get to WA. Then as soon as I go to sleep the texting starts up with the OW. I really hate him right now...

This is abusive!

He's gas-lighting you. And he seems to really enjoy inflicting pain.

Sick f*ck!