Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers what to believe?

So now he tells me that he is completely done, he sent me a text message on Thursday with a number for mediation asking me to call it. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore as far as us fighting, being non affectionate. We have been married for almost 9 years and together for 14, we have 2 boys ages 8 and 4 and I am not ready to throw our marriage down the tubes yet. I know he is serious this time I can tell by his actions and eyes when he told me.
The last couple of days I have been an emotional wreck, crying constantly and flipping out around him. I don’t understand myself to be honest because about a week ago I was doing the whole lights out technique for about 2 weeks and it was then he sends me an email stating how he can’t stand it that I am so happy all the time with all this stuff going on, so it was obviously working in someway or another. He would also come lay down in bed by me when I was watching a show on tv, nothing would happen but he would at least come sit by me. He would go get me medicine if I needed it too.
I just don’t know how to be happy and cheerful around him if I know now that he is serious about getting a divorce.
We are still living together because neither one of us has money to file right now, and our house cannot be put on the market until we get our roof fixed which isn’t going to happen anytime soon, so how to I remain calm, cheerful and act as if I don’t care this is all going on when I know he is dead serious this time, and I have to live in the same house with him for months?

Tell him if he wants to call a mediator to do it himself. His desire, his burden to get the ball rolling.

Go dark, be positive and work on you. If he is upset because you are working on you (being happy) then tough cookies.

Do what works for you!

So he tells me this morning again, do you want me to call the mediation place or did you want too? I have been doing changes for me over the past couple of days and was thinking that this would be put on hold for now. He is sleeping on the couch and has been for about 1 month or so. I told him we would have to live together for about 2 months or so until we can figure all this stuff out, so what do I do in the meantime. I know I am working on myself but how can I stay positive about him asking for mediation?

He asks me again about mediation. I am doing everything right, being upbeat around him etc. He goes from being remorsful for all the things he has done to me over the past as far as arguing etc...then the next day he is short with me. What the heck is going on?

If he is anything like my H was the "being nice" is an attempt to get you on board with mediation and get moving on making the appt. When he doesn't get his way he starts an argument. Do NOT react to his arguments. Have a PMA and go about your business.

If he keeps pestering you, let him know you have no intentions of calling the mediator as it is not your desire to divorce. If he chooses to initiate a divorce you will respond as the law requires you to but otherwise you will not willing participate.

If he gets upset that is his emotion to deal with and own. Do not allow him to take it out on you. The WAS has a grand plan for how the divorce *should* go yet fails to alert the LBS until all the decisions have been made for YOUR life. It's unacceptable and he set the tone for that, not you.

What does the law require when it comes to divorce or mediation? I am all new to this and would like to know what I am up against if it comes to that.

You really do need to educate yourself on the divorce laws of your state. Many attnys offer a free consult for informational purposes only. They will be able to explain to you the laws of your state, what is required of you and help you understand how assets are divided. If you do not like the attny you meet with, find another. You don't need to tell anybody you are seeing an attny as it is simply for informational purposes right now.

I am personally not a fan of mediation as most LBS are not detached enough to go through the process. IMO if divorce was not a joint decision then it is best to retain your own counsel and let them handle as much as possible so you can continue to work on you.

Get yourself educated!

Thank you for the advice! Right now I am just going along with his plans to make him think I don't care and I am going on with my life with or without him,, either way I will be fine.

It's funny how getting on the computer and looking up attorneys and printing out forms for divorce papers make a man curious. My husband asks me what I am doing and I said you told me you wanted me to get started on the process so I am, he says I just asked you if you could call a place that was it.
In our conversation before this we are talking and I tell him that I am not upset that him and I will not be together because I am going to move on with my life whether we are together or not and he says, that is the part that upsets me that you don't care about us splitting up?? What the heck he was the one that wants to seperate in the first place...I didn't say anything though.

That would a textbook example of dropping the rope, methinks.

Once you stopped fighting it, he may start to reconsider his position. Don't fall into the trap of defending your actions. Just keep doing what you are doing.

If he wants to see if things can work, then get yourself a marriage counselor. You might also look into a Retrouvaille weekend (http://helpourmarriage.org/) or some other kind of marriage recovery program.