PICNIC ANALOGY: Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
- listened to birds singing in the forest - ate a bowl of strawberries - some research on what therapeutic approaches are effective for procrastination
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm sorry that IC thing happened and I hope it did not hurt their marriage, but it is also funny. What in the world could have happened that almost led to blows in MC between BIL and C? To have been a fly on THAT wall...
I'm sorry that IC thing happened and I hope it did not hurt their marriage, but it is also funny. What in the world could have happened that almost led to blows in MC between BIL and C? To have been a fly on THAT wall...
Oh, I got the blow-by-blow, believe me. Basically my sis told the C everything from her POV in the first session, then when BIL went in with her the C just started badgering BIL really aggressively from the get-go without establishing any connection, hearing his side of the story, etc. The C talked about the situation in really black and white terms and acted like BIL was totally in the wrong. My sister and BIL repeatedly asked the C to reduce the intensity and my sister stood up for BIL, but the C persisted. It was really bizarre. The issue was about standard in-law family stuff...not really a black and white issue. The testosterone really got pumping and that's when it the possibility of it getting physical came up. And that's really not BIL's style. Knowing my sister and BIL very well, it was the C who majorly screwed up. Fortunately I think my sister and BIL's M won't be damaged because it was so over-the-top crazy that they can discount him. It's when it's more insidious that it's more dangerous.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
What's effective for procrastination? Accountability partner? Positive reinforcement? Do tell and I'll try it too.
CBT, NLP, The Work are some approaches I read about. But still looking for evidence-based approaches that have been demonstrated to work. Procrastination seems to be multicausal, and I assume that effective strategies would depend on the cause(s). Now that I'm ditching my IC, I'm thinking of working on procrastination specifically in IC, but I've actually tried that before and didn't make any progress. I need a C who has specific tools to help with procrastination, not just talking about the underlying issues and suggesting general strategies.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I think we all have procrastinated at one point or another. I guess since it is not such a life issue for me I can't really understand. I guess I am just wondering why not just do what you need to do instead of spending so much time reading about procrastination? Are there very specific things you procrastinate with (ex. housework) or is it in all areas of your life.
Like depression or anxiety I would imagine there is some underlying issue that triggers your procrastination. I am just wondering if the treatment would be sort of like anxiety. I know when I was at my worse (I had lost about 60% of my hair, lost close to 40 pounds, was feeling cardiac stress and so on) my dr. said at this point the reason doesn't matter RIGHT NOW. What matters is getting this under control in some way so you don't become more ill.
I guess I am wondering if you just tackle it by doing it, sort of like I had to do with meds, it will get the ball rolling for you to change your mindset then you can go deeper.
As I said, I don't claim I can understand I am just wondering if the "jump in then figure it out" approach might work.
