Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW and me in 11th hour!!!!

Did you expect something different from her? Se is not trying to "go dark" like she's DBing you. She just wants to be away from you....and that is different. Don't get confused about the techniques you are suppose to do with what is the "pattern" of the WAW, okay?

Just posted this on another thread but thought that it might be helpful here to give more insight into my W.

For what it's worth:

"Hi Guys,

My WAW is now 45 and she is also a victim of teenage sexual abuse and had a lot of counseling 8 years ago when she decided to WA. It started as M counseling but I say it was "hijacked" to eal with her past sexual abuse and she says it was because I wouldn't participate in the M counseling. We are probably both right in some ways.

Anyway, I would recommend the book "The Wounded Heart" if you want to read more about it. My W read it 8 years ago and wanted me to read it then. I got about half way through and then stopped. Last year when I was talking to my W about how i was there for her 8 years ago when she went back and confronted several members of her family she countered with "Yea, but you didn't read the book". I have since reread the whole book an really enjoyed the last section that I never got to the first time. Things really became clear and I realized that I had been keeping the abuse cycle going in our marriage for the past 24 years and was an "abuser surrogate". I would recommend the book to anyone who was abused or knows someone who was abused.

Take care,

Ken"

Thanks sandi2! I do know the difference and I appreciate you keeping me on the straight and narrow. I just wish I knew more about the "patterns" of a WAW. Does she want to be "away" from me because she can't stand me or because she needs to "find herself" or what?

Any clues?

Ken

If you have not read Michele's article on the Symptoms of the WAW, you could find out a lot. You can find it here on DB's home page.

If your W had two EA's in a three-month span, she really has something going on that a professional needs to help her with....and I hope her IC is very good. I don't tell you to move on to discourage you, but this might run into a very long and serious journey. DBing may not be enough to turn her around. I hope she gets the help she truly needs.

Does she have other addictions?

sandi,

When you've got a chance, I'd like to see what your thoughts are on my sitch.

Thanks.

Sorry for the hijack.

Hi Sandi2,

I have read Michele's article on the DB website and I have read the page in DR. My W basically ended the first EA because I had "changed" and she felt it was only fair to give us another chance. She has since realized that the first EA would never have worked but she moved on to the next one because she is convinced that there is someone out there for her and it is NOT me and she belives that there is also someone out there for me too. Unfortunately she is NOT doing any IC and I wish she would. She does have a history of teenage sexual abuse and dealt with that in IC 8 years ago when she decided to WA. I don't believe that she has other addictions. I am moving on with my life as part of DBing and I know that it may never bring her back. She does seem pretty far gone and VERY determined to get this D and the annulment so I don't have a lot of hope but I'm not going to stop trying.

Thanks again,

Ken

HI sandi2,

I guess I also wanted to know what some of the "patterns" are after they have left. Michele's article talks about things leading up to WA but I thought with your knowledge taht you could give me examples of "patterns" to look for now that she is on her own.

Like I said, I believe that both of the EAs have run their course and she has said that she is NOT ready to date anyone yet so I'm just not sure of her mental state. Is she just enjoying her alone time? Is she questioning her decision? I know every situation is different and that you can't read her mind but these are the things that I think about.

I will be seeing her Friday AM when we sign the final papers before they are submitted to the courts. I know to act the 4Cs but I also want her off the joint credit cards and on her own with the settlement check that she can have. I have sent on e-mail to the mediator but have heard nothing back.

What do you tell a WAW who asks you to do favors for her and what do you tell them when they say things like "I thought we were going to be friends"? I think that I need to be prepared for both of these possibilities if and when they come up.

Thanks,

Ken

I don't believe in being friends with a WAS...would you be friends with someone who walks away from you?

I did not physically walk out of my M, so I can't tell you from experience what the pattern would be. I was almost a WAW in an EA. I can tell you what I think your W may be doing by what you posted. I can give my opinion based on how I felt and what I have studied.



If she's in & out of A's that quickly, then this last one may have run its course, but I doubt she is not either involved in another one or at the least...looking. I think she is giving you a big pile of bs about not ready to date anyone yet! And, here's the thing....you "want" to believe your W. That's normal. But, as Puppy would say....."all cheaters lie". Even if she never told you a verbal lie, her actions lie. That is what I did as a WAW. I never told my H a verbal lie, but I was a cheater...so that made me dishonest....that made me a liar. (That still hurts me today to say that.)

Her mental state.....I would not know how to advise you about that. As I said before, she really needs a professional. I don't mean for this to sound cold hearted, but you need to think of yourself and decide if you are ready to go the long haul, b/c she may or may not get better.....b/c she may not get professional help. It "could" be mental....but it may not be, either.



Yes!



Not yet.

I agree that you need to take her off your credit cards and banking accounts. Don't give her financial support other than what the courts may say.



Tell her you did not S from her so you could be her handy man You are fresh out of favors. Hand her the phone book, give her a quarter.....I can think of several things.



Tell her you didn't get M to have a friend. You already had friends! You got M b/c you wanted a W! You still don't want her for a friend b/c she does not have the character that you want in a friend!

Regarding doing favors. I believe the more you do to "help" her live outside of your M, the less likely she is going to go back home. JMHO.