wrong attitude, that's emotionally charged, you don't want to make anyone suffer deeply for anything, that's really bad karma, smarten up!
Making her work for it isn't making her suffer and if that's your intention, it's a bad one.
Making her work for it accomplishes a few things: - you get to find out if the reconciliation is real or fake because there are a ton of fake one's that take place, the WAW comes back, it was too easy for her, gives her the feelings that coming back wasn't the right thing to do, doesn't feel right, she didn't have to work for it, she pursued the other man, she enjoyed those feelings but coming back to an easy/conquered husband... not as fulfilling. - trust isn't just given easily, it's worked for through consistent effort and actions, she hasn't done any of this, don't deprive her of the process, gives you a chance to build trust with her as well by showing her that you aren't some evil prick bastard who's going to make her pay for her indiscretions for the rest of her life, that wouldn't be fun - maybe a time for you guys to date again without the label of a "relationship" over your heads, have fun without pressure - gives you some time to figure out if you really want her back, right now it just might be a reflex
you are correct - i should edit that suffer part - the part that wants that is a part of me i found over the past few months while trying to better myself, a part of my past ways that i want nothing to do with.
Originally Posted By: robx
trust isn't just given easily, it's worked for through consistent effort and actions, she hasn't done any of this, don't deprive her of the process, gives you a chance to build trust with her as well by showing her that you aren't some evil prick bastard who's going to make her pay for her indiscretions for the rest of her life, that wouldn't be fun
lol - i don't want to be an evil prick bastard either
any real suggestions on how one begins to trust that partner that cheated?
she is asking me "what do you want me to do"? giving me comments of "just divorce me so you can find someone better than the whore home wrecker i am" - which i see as an atempt to take the "victim" title and put over her.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
You should know what you want. You don't want someone who is going to be flaky, you want someone who is honest and trustworthy, someone who knows that they need to do the right thing. Be honest but don't get all wishy washy with feelings, etc.
Tell her that for you to trust her, she needs to show consistent trustworthy actions and it isn't an overnight process, this is something that could take weeks/months... years. It's up to you, your internal bs meter should know what she's like, when she's lying, when she's honest, etc.
Also tell her this, you don't want to be a punching bag, you won't be taken advantage of by her anymore but at the same time, you don't want a punching bag for a wife, someone who you have to beat up and teach a lesson to. That's not fun.
Also tell her that you don't want someone who is going to play the victim with that rehearsed bull$hit line she fed you above. She can be sorry for what she did but when she says it like that, she almosts wants sympathy for what she did.
You don't want to crucify her or judge her for the rest of your life and if she thinks that's what you'll do to her then educate her and tell her that's why you can't take her back right now, she doesn't have the right mental image of you: you're not the bad guy and you don't feel the need to beat up people and make them pay for the rest of their lives for what they've done. You can tell her she's not a bad person, she just made some bad decisions and you won't hate her because of it - you're a better man that that (I'm assuming you are, you should be), a real man doesn't hold grudges forever - that would like living a limited life and that would suck.
This affair is too recent and too painful for you to consider divorce. I would also tell your wife that you ahve THREE CHILDREN to think about.. that YOU are desipte your pain putting THEM FIRST UNLIKE what SHEs been donig for hte last what.. four months?
OK Gman. My advice is simple :
1. You will never know what you can do until you TRY. 2. The answer to whether you CAN reconcile, is at the end of the reconcilliation process. 3. How long do you try for? Well, I would say at LEAST six months fo work before you decide to take any alternative action such as separation or divorce.
I WILL POINT OUT... separation does NOT HELP, it just creates emotional distance. Unless there is physical violence or someone is in danger in their home, you keep together.
Your emotions aer a mess right now, so don't commit to anything.
You DO need to hold off on taking her back. you are right to hesitate.
Gman, I was in a very similar situation with teh OM finally exposing hiimself as an a$$ which pretty much but an end to the whole affair. His being an a$$ in my case was by my fighting the affair for as long as I did..he lost patience and gave himself away.
So, ya, I hear ya. You still feel like second choice I know, I know that feeling well. It sucks.
Your wife as well is in a mess, she feels betrayed as well... by a loser and a cheat I know, but the sting of betrayal hurts at any level.
So, you are both quite hurt right now, I don't expect either of you to take much action save for the STD tests... there's no way of knowing if this guy was active elsewhere.
GMan I suggest you AVOID drinking and your WIFE as well... you two are quite vulnerable right now and you both need a clear head... drinking is NOT going to help you.
Yes, your wife is playing victim... right now she's a deer in the headlights... she's lost OM and may have lost you. A couple months ago she was cake eating with two men wanting her and now she has woken up and realizes she may soon have no one...
She brought it on herself. I am sure you gave her ample warnings.
THis is way too early.. I am on month 5 now... NC with OM since last Oct for my home.. it does get easier.
The images fade. They get less frequent. Your wife needs to buy a copy... YES.. SHE will go out and BUY NOT JUST FRIENDS and AFTER THE AFFAIR...
she will read them cover to cover.
Tell your wife to start reading that and give you space to process...
If she wants to know what she has to do, those books are a good start.
You may want to look for a FT, but you are quite hurt right now so it may be overmuch... my advice is to get HER educated nd YOU keep busy... once she's educated and starts doing the work in thsoe books you can begin to trust her gradually...
I would give her 3 - 6 months using those books... and you can decide THEN if you are happy with her efforts and if you have confidence in your marriage again... again SHE does her own education and her OWN WORK.
Do NOT tell her what to do, tell her to READ and leaev you ALONE.
She is hurt, but she's just been betrayed by a cheating, wife-bandoning creep of an excuse for a human being, she'll get over it.
And you are right, just because she's been hurt does not mean she's learned a damn thing.
She needs to start reading... YOU having to explain all of the healing process is downright insulting... YOU have fought for your marriage, now its HER turn to fight for it... give her at least three months to absorb the material and to start making some changes.
TEll her to buy those and do what they tell her to do.... and to give you some space... she has work to do.. a LOT of it.
Let HER EFFORTS convince you... don't do ANYTHING until you see what she's learned with 3 - 6 months of education on infidelity.
Oh, and tell her to stop trying to feel sorry for herself. She's an adult. After four months of acting like an unruly teenager she'd damn well better start acting like one.
Sulking and feeling sorry for herself is almsot as jeuvenline as the affair.
Tell her the FIRST thing she needs to do is start acting like an adult and set an example for her kids... Tell her that moping is NOT going to get her ANY sympathy.
You give her six months to learn how to be an adult and you decide THEN if she passes the program or if you bump her back a grade and you move on.
Tell her to educate herself on what it means to be a wife and a mother, because right now you have NO CONFIDENCE that she is capable of performign etiher role and there ARE others out there than CAN do it.
TEll her the answers are in those two books i noted above.
At the end of six months, I don't expect her to be an adult... but at that time the two of you can sit d ownand decide if there's been enough progress by her and by you to continue the process... its just a checkpoint... The healing process could take over a year. But you have three children here, you really have to try... children get seriously damaged by divorce, there's a mountain of data to prove that...
Ya I know its a shame your wife didn't read any of that data before this happened but... this is the slice of pie life is serving you right now...
guys....i cannont begin to thank you for all your helpful comments.
i used to be afraid that if i confronted her about things it would just cause fights....too funny now how she is being honest and trying to tell me little things that helped her fall out of love with me, made me realize that i was also at a point where i didn't really love her either.
unfortunately i chose to deal with my problems by GAL and bettering myself, she the easy gratification of what she thought was love.
i am sending her a text to go buy those books....nothing more.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Give yourself a few months and then you get yoru own copies, both of you work through them... eventually you can both discuss the content of specific passages together as adults.
There is NO WAY she has suddenly grown up into the adult she needs to be to parent three children full time and to be a loving wife... so you give her the time she needs to give it the college try...
You two decide in six months time or so if you are both happy with the progress... I am repeating myself.. I will shut up now lol
Oh, the confronting thing. That's why I suggest the books, she can't argue with a book. lol
Oh, the confronting thing. That's why I suggest the books, she can't argue with a book. lol
you can repeat advice to me as much as you want...lol i am listing and heeding what sounds like the best action course for me right now.
oh we will see on the book thing - just sent text telling her to get them and read them...but her phone was off as she just called me about one of our sons, so i told her to turn it on and read my message - she wants to know what i want her to do... i said my text is step one.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
