Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers flowmom | need to commit to myself

I am not saying anybody is wrong or right or anything in the middle. I simply am trying to understand the advice and information.

I know that CG. You know I respect your opinion. And don't worry, I haven't taken any offense and I GNO non was intended. I think that you guys and gals that have been following Flo and supporting her are in a better place to provide opinions than I am.

EDIT: Therefore my advice and information could be flawed.

Gno,
feel free to disagree all you want with me. I am one of those that learn out of diagreements and I am sick enough to actually enjoy it, I dont get mad.

I understand your point BUT, he is not taking the kids to free flo so that she can "pitch in". The kids are his as well and he should take them even if he was making 1 bilion dollars per year. She doenst owe him anything. Plus, things are tougher because he decided, to change the family status quo. Consequences...

Also, I dont see how not telling him what she does at evenings should make him feel frustrated unless she works at a night job. She can always minimize the risk of being regarded as selfish if she informs him of her job prospectives, NOT her personal/social life.

IMO, flo, this money thing is a serious issue and I know you see it as one as well. But please, dont put yourself in the corner for staying at home to raise YOUR kids. There is a middle ground somewhere, why so much guilt and concern about that? If you think that is somekind of dealbreaker for him, reassure him by your actions that you are looking for ways to be financially independent and you will not be "siiting around enjoying his money" (I disagree anyway but just saying that for teh sake of teh discussion) He needs to understand that will take some time.

And I have this phrase at my FB profile, it says, "I need you because I love you, I dont love you because I need you". That is for me healthy and it does involve needing the other person, the other way around, well..., it wont work for me.
K

Kalni, CG, Gno and all of my thread readers: all of you have good advice for me. Gno was providing me with very specific advice based on a thumbnail sketch of my sitch and I value his opinion because of his insights into what my H's POV might be. He provided LOTS of caveats about his advice because he hasn't been following my thread and he assumes that there is much that he is not aware of. CG: you are the reality check because you warn me that if I don't act in my own best interest I will suffer the consequences. Kalni, you truly understand the calculus involved in my day to day interactions with H...not just as his estranged W but as a coparent. Everyone who posts here brings their own POV that is coloured by their own experience.

I'm not going to follow anyone's advice blindly. It's my style to bring in information and weigh it against my own experience and intuition. And soon that will include legal advice and information.

I don't feel anybody is trying to be "more right" and it is very beneficial to have many points of view.

If you want to know the truth what frightens me for you is the following:

I am very fearful if you help your H get out of debt and you start earning a decent income then he will proceed with the divorce. Not having debt makes a divorce much easier (from a business standpoint) and could really make a difference as far as child support, spousal support and other monetary points.

I know you love your H but honestly, my gut tells me as soon as the debt is rectified and you are earning he will walk for good. IMO, in his mind that will make the D proceedings easier as far as the financial side goes and he will have very little guilt as he will see for himself that you are fine on your own.

I am not suggesting you go balls to the walls or get ugly or nasty but IMO all this coddling and pussy footing needs to stop today. I feel you are so afraid to stand up for yourself because you are fearful it will push your H to pull the D trigger. Honestly, he is in a [censored] position to D right now and he knows it. IMO there is a reason he is harping on the finances so much and I feel he thinks the sooner the money thing can be fixed the sooner he can divorce.

Sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear and I hope I am so far off base I am on Mars but your H is pretty obvious IMO.

My 2 cents.

I like that.

Wants vs needs: that's semantics. Some books on M would call those needs. In fact humans' needs are hierarchical. As you know I never wrote or implied that a single or widowed person is "not complete". But I'm sure that many single or widowed people do have a need for sexual intimacy, for example, that is not met. Just because that need is not as fundamental to human survival as food or water does not mean that it is not a need.

I was speaking about my children, who have no other mother than me. I had no intention of implying that adoptive parents are any less important than biological parents.

True.

I agree. I think that I did fail to meet some of the needs that are my responsibility in my M. I don't think that I depended on H for those however...the needs were simply not met for a long time.

I agree with most of this. Of course delaying the divorce based on finances shouldnt be your decision IMO but USING the time you have to your benefit shoould be your goal.

CG, the debt will have to be dealt with one way or another, and the sooner the better. Having this level if debt is stressful and unhealthy for both H and I. We had debt of this magnitude that followed exactly the same pattern last year -- it hit a peak Dec 2008 (when we started MC) and was paid off around May 2009 (when we stopped MC). He is not acting any differently WRT to the debt than he was last time. You may be right that he's trying to pay off the debt before tackling D. But realistically I don't believe that my earning or contribution to debt repayment is going to affect the final outcome of this, either our chances of reconciliation or the outcome of D negotiations. Anyway, I haven't "caved" or anything. I'm planning to do the work that I want to do, and I am watching my spending so that we can continue paying off the debt.

H does want to D me...there's isn't that much doubt in my mind. His actions are consistent with someone who wants an amicable D, and I can't read anything else into his actions. He is very goal-oriented and he will proceed towards that goal systematically. I'm guessing that if he doesn't have a change of heart by the 6 month point, it will be game over because his desire to wrap things up will overpower him by then, if not sooner. I don't see my sitch following the path of most LBW piecers around here, whose WAHs seem to have been able to live with ambivalence for much longer than I can imagine my H tolerating.

Yes, of course using any time wisely is the smart way to approach just about anything in life.

IMO you have tried with all your might to minimize the consequences your H feels for leaving the family. You are trying to take it all on so he is as comfortable and stress free as possible so perhaps he will take a second look at you as a W/woman. Again, IMO all you are doing is reinforcing you are a GREAT mom and co-parent which I know your H values.

As you said, you lost quite a bit of weight you and you said a fit and attractive woman is what your H wants. I am not saying this to be unkind because I know you look great but right now your H is not in a place to view you as anything more than a mom/co-parent IMO. By minimizing his consequences you stay in that mom role and your new found womanhood is kept hidden.

So what if he gets mad? Big deal! Let him own any anger or frustration he feels and certainly do not try and make it easier on him.

Guess what? Single parents get tired. Divorce causes financial strain. It's all part of what dismantling a marriage and family means and rarely does the WAS get to experience it all due to the fear the LBS has.

I don't disagree that debt is stressful even in the best of circumstances. However the debt is not the ONLY stressful event going on right now. Your son is having medical issues. You and your H are learning to operate as single parents and co-parents. Your children are adapting to staying at 2 homes. You are dealing with anxiety/depression and the overall emotional devastation of being left.

You can't figure all this out in three months. IMO your H is being terrible selfish by harping on this debt when there are so many other things going on. Yes, it needs to be paid and it will get paid over time but you have plenty on your plate and you need to come first.