Ok..so that adds some perspective; but if you don't find it appropriate, why are you just standing by?
In the ebb and flow of marriage, sometimes one partner has to tend the fire a bit more than the other. A healthy marriage has both partners monitoring the ebb and flow - its not a scoring system but each persons needs have to be met.
In short, we became two people who were not fulfilling each other's needs.
I recognize the person I became - not just as a husband but as a person. I have done things in the past 60 days to correct my path and embrace a more fuller life. As time goes on, she will recognize that these new habits are something I am following through on and it will make it easier for her to "forget the past" but in the meantime, she is living selfishly so that she can experience things which she has wanted to do - or at least, that's how she is rationalizing it.
Next week is a critical time for our relationship as she will be able to demonstrate her commitment to working this through.
When she told me last week that she wanted to slowly work on the R, I answered with, "the relationship must stop because I do not deserve to be in competition for her". She was unable to commit then.
We will see if she is able to commit once she has spent the weekend away from her family doing something selfish.
And at some point, it's gotta suck that another man is inside your wife.
my W had A without my knowledge...killing me inside wondering when and where and what they may have done....you KNOW, WHEN, WHERE and WHAT they ARE going to do, how does that make you feel....i just don't understand how you think letting her go let another man MOUNT her and be INSIDE her is going to help your R.
....selfish or not, if you let her have the cake she will gladly take a double helping all day long and trust me sounds like she plans on it.
if it were me i would not allow the trip and if she goes....her stuff would be packed and waiting for her outside when she returns.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
When she told me last week that she wanted to slowly work on the R, I answered with, "the relationship must stop because I do not deserve to be in competition for her". She was unable to commit then.
that's because your response was unattractive. your wife doesn't want a man who "deserves" something, she wants a man that will fight, work and stand up for what he believes in.
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she is living selfishly so that she can experience things which she has wanted to do
because she is looking out for herself, she needs a strong, wise and commited partner. she doesn't have one so she is looking for one.
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We will see if she is able to commit once she has spent the weekend away from her family doing something selfish.
If you stand by meekly she won't be commiting to you. Put yourself in your wifes shoes, what would you think of your wife if she acted the way you are?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This weekend, my wife will be flying out to have her weekend with the OM.
Mike consider your marriage over at this point if you allow her to do this and then allow her to come back home. I know you think you can reason this all out logically but she doesn't view any of this logically, she's driven by her feelings and you can come up with whatever plans you want to work on the relationship slowly with her but it will not work.
This is her testing you plain and simple and she is determining based on her tests that you no longer have what it takes to be her partner. She is now no longer hiding the affair from you, she has no fear of loss, she is openly flying out to meet the OM and have sex with him and then she tells you when she gets back that maybe you guys can start working on the relationship - she tells you this because even though she doesn't want to be with you, you do come in handy when it comes to other things, ie. a place to live, someone to pay the bills, help take care of the kids, wash dishes, cook meals, clean the house and finance her flying out to meet the OM to have sex, you are the comfortable backup plan if anything in her fantasy life fails and being the "patient" husband is your fantasy, I know you think this is what's going to turn your wife around but it isn't. You giving her a wake up call and a kick in the a$$ will wake her up, she is disrespecting you now to the Nth degree and you are allowing it, you will never have her in your life again after this weekend, I promise you this. A month from now you will be posting on this forum telling us you should have listened.
You have one last chance at this.
Tell her that if she flies out to have sex with the OM that the marriage is over, you will no longer be her friend, let alone "best friend", you won't be the patient husband, you will be civil towards her because you are co-parents but that means you won't talk to her about anything other than the kids going forward and you will make arrangements to get the divorce in place and get joint custody of your children. If she goes through with this weekend, it is OVER and she can't fool you or herself into thinking she can come back and dictate the details of the new relationship.
Mike, this is the one thing you need to do, if you don't do this be prepared that nothing you do after this will ever matter. Being a "patient" husband is the same as being a wussy feminine man at this point, she doesn't respect you at all and this weekend she will disrespect you more than at any other point in your relationship and you are communicating to her that it's ok, you'll still be waiting for her to come back even after she craps on you. How could anyone respect you for acting like this?
I don't usually come out and tell people they're wrong on these forums but I'm going to do it now, you're wrong Mike and this is a big mistake and I'm really feeling bad for you at this point.
While I understand the "man up" approach, it goes against what has worked over the past 30 days.
She has seen me change and has begun talking to me, having good times at family events, seeing that we did have a decent relationship that could have been strengthended.
I disagree with the premise that I have looked bad over the past month.
Ever since I began to focus on my own recovery and stop issuing the emotional edicts, "move out of the house", "split bank accounts", "divorce" things have begun to improve.
Once she has a taste of the OM and wants more, then I will tell her she can continue it outside of my house. I will do so unemotionally and state it very simply. I have earned this simple thing at this point.
She is not looking for another mate - this is all about sex. The OM is married, lives across the country, and has no immediate tie to our family.
She is looking to experience freedom for the first time in a long time.
Coach - I am working and doing good things on this end. I have worked hard at coping with emotions and stress and spend 1-2 hours a day with our son playing afterschool. I have been able to have fun family times again - she sees the work being done.
While right now she cannot focus on anything but her weekend, I am sure it is beginning to creep into her mind that what she is doing is wrong and she needs to begin thinking about her marriage for Monday is around the corner.
Naive yes, but I know my wife, and this, too, shall pass.
So much I want to say, but out of respect I wont. But I will say that if it was me in your shoes. The minute I dropped her off at the airport I would swing by an attorney on the way home.
My wife has done many things to me and I have not been the best husband. But the second someone other then me is inside her or I am iside someone else then its over with.
I looked into the swinger lifestyle years ago and we even had a chance to participate in an "encounter" but did not go through with it. I am sorry, but people that are married and call themselves "swingers" are just putting on blinders to a problem that will never go away. Just my opinion.
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Mike, you are making a serious mistake. You are trying to validate her affair and your acceptance of it. Take the advice from the experts -- isn't that why you are here? It sucks (trust me, I know) but it works.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
While I understand the "man up" approach, it goes against what has worked over the past 30 days.
She has seen me change and has begun talking to me, having good times at family events, seeing that we did have a decent relationship that could have been strengthended.
I disagree with the premise that I have looked bad over the past month.
Ever since I began to focus on my own recovery and stop issuing the emotional edicts, "move out of the house", "split bank accounts", "divorce" things have begun to improve.
Once she has a taste of the OM and wants more, then I will tell her she can continue it outside of my house. I will do so unemotionally and state it very simply. I have earned this simple thing at this point.
She is not looking for another mate - this is all about sex. The OM is married, lives across the country, and has no immediate tie to our family.
She is looking to experience freedom for the first time in a long time.
Coach - I am working and doing good things on this end. I have worked hard at coping with emotions and stress and spend 1-2 hours a day with our son playing afterschool. I have been able to have fun family times again - she sees the work being done.
While right now she cannot focus on anything but her weekend, I am sure it is beginning to creep into her mind that what she is doing is wrong and she needs to begin thinking about her marriage for Monday is around the corner.
Naive yes, but I know my wife, and this, too, shall pass.
You're wrong, she's been pursuing this other man for quite some time, she has the urge to "mate" with him, she is looking for another mate. If this was just about sex Mike, why not just have sex with you? Are you that crappy in bed that she needs to find someone else to have sex with? And let's look at this way, if you're right and this is just about "sex", do you think she will stop at just one weekend? You're a man, how often do you think about sex? Will one weekend of sex satisfy you for the rest of your life? Are you that naive to think that your wife would be the same way? Women are more sexual than men and if you think it stops at one weekend of sex with another man, you're wrong.
Once she has a taste of the OM and wants more, then I will tell her she can continue it outside of my house. I will do so unemotionally and state it very simply. I have earned this simple thing at this point.
ummm...not sure what you have "earned" - so being second choice is okay with you? if you want to save your R an M you need to remove the blinders my friend.
once she gets the "taste" that disrespecting you by flying across country to have SEX with OM doesn't get a rise out of you, you can bet she is going to come running into your arms on Monday....
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
