SH, I'd like to remind you that if he were a rational sort of indivdual, I would tend to agree w/your lawyer. However, he's not rational, but extremely emotional right now and is bouncing off the walls, etc. The only thing that he will zero in on is the money.....money to them is like a drug. I don't care if it is your money, he will see it as his and he will look at what you've done as controlling and manipulating.
I had a good lawyer, but the advice he gave me concerning something very similiar to this caused me a ton of grief and the anger that spewed forth and the retaliation that I received from my little head case wasn't worth it all. I learned the hard way to listen to what the lawyer said, but weigh everything out, and follow my gut instincts. They do not have a good handle on this type of situation and you are the only way that knows just what your h will do or not do. Go w/your instincts.
I will say this...sometimes the best thing to do is not say anything at all. The more you tell them, the worse they can be at times.
You are a wonderful person, but no matter what you do, there very well may be some fallout. All I ask is that you prepare yourself for that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes...I do need to prepare for the potential financial spew-fest ahead, which is why I was on the fence in either direction...
...with the cultivated, validating, peaceful and calm demeanor that is beginning to come naturally these days.
Today, I actually listened to my SIL (bro's wife) spew essentially the very same things that he has been saying to me and say: "no wonder he left you!", without contradicting her...just let her speak her truth (now I know!) and validated her. It was refreshing to practice the skill - but I won't be calling her again any time soon!
SH
Me 42 H39 M 10 years, T 12.75 years MLC began spring 2009 ILYBNILWY 1/18/10 WAS 2/5/10 EA revealed 3/6/10 EA ended (by her) 3/7/10 M - DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
I've practiced validating statements to use during times of confrontations. Ones that signal that I no longer "go there" even if my H wants to. You will have to do this with H about five or ten times in tense situations if you have been confrontational in past for him to "get" that you are seriuosly never going there again. YOU CAN DO IT! The SIL was good practice. Just get your three sentences ready and practice them until they come naturally.
What will happen is when you take the high road, H will insult your tone and call it condescending or something. So come up with a validating statement for that bit of baiting to which WILL come. They don't believe a person can choose to change and get it done, and they want to stay mad themselves at you or they are upset so they try to drag you in. IT IS VERY HARD NOT TO GO THERE. Start practicing!
Me 42 H39 M 10 years, T 12.75 years MLC began spring 2009 ILYBNILWY 1/18/10 WAS 2/5/10 EA revealed 3/6/10 EA ended (by her) 3/7/10 M - DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
I hear you. I can understand how you feel that way.
I agree that it's important for us to look at our contributions to this.
I'm not sure to say to that right now, and I can see that it's troubling you a lot/ or very important to you.
During a spew with some valid points you need to take responsibility for:
I agree there's a number of things I've done that have made this situation harder...
less harsh start-ups to things you need to discuss in the future:
I wanted to explain something I was thinking about, and I was hoping you would also share your perspective on the situation. Maybe together we can figure it out.
I'm anxious about bringing this up, but at the same time, it's important to me that we talk about it...
making requests: I wonder if it would make sense to .... ? I wonder how you see it?
If H says he doesn't like my tone or words now, I apologize for it sounding that way and say that's the last way I want to sound. I'm just finding new and better ways to communicate for ME and they make me sound weird sometimes now. It's not condescending, it's not angry, it's just new to how I deal with stuff so it makes me sound weird. I hope you can understand.
I do that above to try to defuse it and it does work. I think he sincerely thought I was "talking down."
If the above does not work, say:
That's definitely not my intention, and I'm sorry if I've done something to make you feel that way. I want to get along.
JUST NEVER GO THERE. Sometimes: Maybe we should take a few days and revisit this conversation when it's less heated or I'm less tired. I think we can resolve this calmly but just not this second. Would you be okay with that?
I also read some communication and listening books and try to implement more from them. They have some good ideas that aren't so difficult to try that were not modeled to me in my family.
