I am on IM at work all day, I need to be for communication with coworkers. So she gets on there everyday and we end up talking. So I should NOT send her things first? Won't that make her feel like I am ignoring her? We ususally are just talking about what happened today or with our son or whatever, not relationship things.
One of the absolutely best things you can do with a WAW is to become less available. If she can have you any time of the day she decides to use her computer.....then there is no unavailablity and there is no challenge or mystery.
You simply have other things to do rather than talk back & forth with her throughout the day. If she asks what's wrong or why you aren't talking, then you answer her with the fact you've been busy. My H and I have been M for many years and we've never used TM,IM's or emails to each other at work.
If you do nothing but sit in front of the computer all day.....then you may have to make your responses very short. Let her pursue you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I do not follow her around, but if I come in and she is there I will give her a hug. Same as bed. She has on a few occasions come in and hugged me before bed. I am not sure what to do with this one. I told her that I missed that the first day and that I was going to give her a hug everyday from now on. So if I stop doing it now, aren't I shouwing that I am stopping the changes I made? So if I stop this little thing, aren't I saying that the other changes are going to revert to what our relationship was before and she is not going to want to stay for that, right?
Usually a WAW does not want the affection from her H. If your W acts as if she doesn't want it, then just stop it and it doesn't matter what she thinks about what was said. She doesn't want it....period, and that is what "matters".
If she hugs you before bedtime, it may just be her way of saying goodnight. (Is it short and then she turns around to do something else?) As long as this is in a walk-away stitch, you wait for her to make the first move. Do not pursue her with any physical affection.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
One of the absolutely best things you can do with a WAW is to become less available.
Why does this work like this? Reading the book and so many of the posts here the same theme comes up. Why does being unavailable work? I gotta say it is very difficult to do. The hardest of the suggestions is not telling her I love you, but this is not much easier. Do not get me wrong, I am willing to do it for our relationship if that is what it takes, but why does it work so I can have a reason in my head?
Usually a WAW does not want the affection from her H. If your W acts as if she doesn't want it, then just stop it and it doesn't matter what she thinks about what was said. She doesn't want it....period, and that is what "matters".
How can I tell if she does not want it? She hugs me back and a lot of time she gives me a kiss on the cheek or on the lips, but just a quick peck.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If she hugs you before bedtime, it may just be her way of saying goodnight. (Is it short and then she turns around to do something else?) As long as this is in a walk-away stitch, you wait for her to make the first move. Do not pursue her with any physical affection.
She hugs me back and it is like a 10 second hug right before we go to bed or first thing in the morning if she is up. Sometimes after I get home. Sometimes she even initiates it. The other day I went to bed while she was in taking a bath. When she got out she came in and woke me up to give me a hug and a kiss. I tried not to be overly excited but I was quite thrown when she did it.
It just feels to me like we are on the edge of things getting better and I am just trying to be very cautious. She has mentioned the changes in me as well as family and friends. She is so much happier, but she did confide in me that she is still confused about who she is. I feel that is still a sticking point. I give her as much space as possible so that she can try to resolve that. I took my son out to do some stuff with my family this last weekend and so she was home by herself doing whatever she wanted basically for the whole weekend. She told me that that was nice. I did not even ask what she did or who she was with. That is HUGE for me. I am always asking what is going on and when and with who. She felt it was controlling, I thought it was caring what was gonig on.
Like I said, I am confused as to what to do next. I am trying not to smother the embers like was stated previously, especially since there are some real signs that things are getting better. So I am trying to control my excitement and just keep being happy and hope that the goals I set come to fruition in the comming months.
I just feel lost in that I am not sure what to say or how much to say. I do not know how to be happy and easy going without sharing things with her and waiting for her to come to me. I have never been that way.
The less available you are the more valuable you become- you become "unattainable" or less "attainable". You become a challenge again- perhaps.
In my sitch I was on auto-pilot for 2 yrs. W and I took eachother for granted...the day she dropped the bomb and backed it up w/ actions- she became my world-
It's just the way it is...w/ waywards it's like dealing w/ a teenager- tell them not to do something and they do it, tell them go ahead and they probably wont do it.
It does suck that responsible and committed R/M's end up at this stage, but we are humans and we have frailties.
You are in a great position- I know it doesn't feel that way though. I was there for several months, now W is out of the house and in a full blown A.
You are very fortunate right now- read as many threads as you can and you will understand- EVERYTHING IS ON HER TERMS....YOU HAVE TO BE OK W/ THAT.
Be patient, detach so you're not emotionally fragile if and when she rejects you are tests you. Always be civil and understanding, do not be smug or mention how UNFAIR things seem.
You need to be a rock, and very consistant- always work your 180's NO R TALK, and if you're away for work- only reply to her texts- do not pursue from work or while she's out.
Why does this work like this? Reading the book and so many of the posts here the same theme comes up. Why does being unavailable work? I gotta say it is very difficult to do. The hardest of the suggestions is not telling her I love you, but this is not much easier. Do not get me wrong, I am willing to do it for our relationship if that is what it takes, but why does it work so I can have a reason in my head?
B/c humans want what they can't have. Men chase the women who are a challenge for them to catch. Women dream of those men who are out of their league. Read the thread here on the board from the LBH's and tell me if they don't all have the same reaction. The minute they get the bomb from the W, they immediately want her more than life itself. Ever wonder why? B/c he's losing her! He's been told that he can't have her anymore, so ofcourse, he is desparate. It is the law of nature.
Quote:
How can I tell if she does not want it? She hugs me back and a lot of time she gives me a kiss on the cheek or on the lips, but just a quick peck.
You can't read her body language? You will have to be the one to decide if she's faking it, enduring it....or if she means what she's showing.Same about bedtime.
Quote:
I do not know how to be happy and easy going without sharing things with her and waiting for her to come to me. I have never been that way.
It's not like you have to go the rest of your life like that, but if she is a WAW, then you have to back off and you need to have something in your life that does not include her. If not, then it make you co-dependent on her,and that's not attractive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are in a great position- I know it doesn't feel that way though. I was there for several months, now W is out of the house and in a full blown A.
Stop the train!!!! I am in a good position like you but your wife moved out and is now having an A????? Please explain that sentence and how that makes it a good position!
I also have some other question. What works best. We seem to be getting along very well and I go not want to jepordize that but at the same time not seem as though I am just waiting around for her. Right now I go to dinner with our Son 2 nights a week without her. I am back to school 1 night , and on the weekends it is a toss up. Like last weekend we were in the same room maybe a total of 4 hours. Is that enough, or do I need to do more? Other nights I do call and ask what we are doing for dinner or what is gonig on that night. Should I stop calling at all and see if she calls me? Or do I even mess with what is goign on right now? We do not talk about the relationship much if at all.
I feel like I failed a test in school and I know that it will take at least 2 A's on the next couple tests to get up to a B. Unfair how easy it is to fall out of favor and how difficult it is to recover what you once had. But that's life I guess.
You are in a great position b/c she is still there!!!
I blew my opportunity by not being patient and not detaching enough- you have to be OK w/ everything- but DO NOT BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
EVERYTHING will be on WAW's terms, do not pursue, work your 180's, and don't be at her beck and call.
She will throw curve balls where maybe she texts you alot...then you do and she wont text back...see what I mean- it's VERY STRESSFUL to be where you are, BUT you are in a great position b/c she is there.
If you don't make the mistakes I did and really work on yourself AND not pressure her or keep things stressful- you have a great opportunity.
My sitch is diff in that there were EA/PA's, so I was WAY too stressed to make home an inviting place.
