Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband got a big promotion and wants to separate!

TALK TO AN ATTORNEY ABOUT THIS.

As for the intel, don't do anything illegal or anything you don't feel comfortable with. If the cellphone is in your name, that's good.

Does he chat on his computer much? Who does his car belong to? You have the right to keep track of your own, or your own joint, marital property.

Puppy

I don't know if he chats a lot, but he is on his computer ALL THE TIME. Now, he's a tech guy and needs to be on the computer for his job, but not all hours of the day and night. Whether he's doing a lot of chatting, I don't know. I don't want to mess with his work computer but the home desktop I could look at...if he's ever more than a few feet away from it, that is...but it's up for debate whether that computer is joint marital property. We bought it at christmas time as a family computer, or so I thought when I agreed to spend the $3,000 dollars on it. Since then he has said multiple times that the computer is actually his and bought as a late birthday-present, which his b-day is a month before christmas. Can you see how impossible it can be to deal with this guy on any issues? He can easily change reality to suit him.

We each are titled on our individual cars, but he spends so much time at home I doubt he has a woman here on the side. Can't get him out of the house enough to suit me, really. He came home from his business trip claiming he was the new, improved H who is going to grab life by the horns rather than watch it pass him by. He claimed he's going to have more fun, go out more, do more besides work. So far, the only actual change in his behavior despite his claims has been that he started drinking liquor and wine every day (he rarely used to drink before) and then eventually passing out on his study floor in the middle of the night before dragging himself to bed when DS wakes up for the day. He hasn't gone out more, he hasn't been more fun, he hasn't worked less, and he hasn't spent any more time with DS. But he still thinks he's new and improved.

Yeah, Texas has it all over WA as far as divorce goes. It's a "fault state" right?

LJ, follow PDT's advice. He is one of the forum experts on this stuff. You and I don't understand the WAH mindset and what they're capable of.

Please do see a L ASAP. Do it secretly and don't tell anyone. Make sure YOU control the info, not him or any well-meaning friends or family. If you think that your H will put your child in the middle of this, you must take action to protect both of you.

Planning for the worst is really hard when you haven't given up on your marriage, but unfortunately there is no marriage when one partner checks out. All you can hope for is that the opportunity for reconciliation will come in the future.

LJ, I agree with Puppy on the attorney. There are probably some with free initial visits.

As for the custody issues, an attorney will tell you best. However, I will also say that without any issues on th emothers part it is almost impossible to move a child out of state.

I am going to reinforce something here, start looking for work. NOW... Find a source of income and eliminate your dependance on him. The way he vocalizes I can only imagine at some point he will use his being the sole provider as a weapon.

You may need to start socking away some money as a just in case fund.

He is not taking ownership for his issues if he is excusing them with behaviors of yours. The old two wrongs make a right philosophy is the best friend of men. We justify our behaviors by pointing out uur enemies poor behaviors that led to them.

Do not tolerate him threatening you. If he threatens, walk to a pad of paper and pen and write it down. In front of him. Make sure he knows you are not tolerating the behaviors and are documenting them. Some will say that you should be deceptive in this behavior, but I am a believer that you do not need to do these things. Be up front and honest and maintain your integrity throughout.

And, yes this includes taking money and socking it away. Draw it from your bank account and if he asks why tell him to protect you and your child. Do not hide the truth from him.


Ian

Uh...I don't think I would telegraph any moves you make to h.

Sock away the F-You money quietly.

What makes anyone think he wouldn't shut off the tap? Good God, y'all!!

Think strategically!

You are not at a point of breaking off your marriage by hiding your actions just yet LadyJane. At least not what you have said.

I imagine you came here to try and save the marriage and I can promise you one thing, deception and lies will end your marriage not save it.

Thinking strategically is for those who have decided to fight Kimmie. Lady Jane has not said anything about not having other resources as of yet has she?


I can promise you that the surest way to end your marriage is to begin the fight to save it by being deceptive and less then forthcoming. It's not a game, it's your partner who has lost his way and you trying to keep the road straight and bright for him. Fuckkk playing games just be honest and tru to yourself and your marriage.


Ian

I definitely don't want to be deceptive (I am not good at it anyway) but I don't think I'll just volunteer up information either. I will start putting away money, and if he asks I'll explain why. He has made comments like wanting to put me through school and getting me more independent before splitting up, but with this OW in the picture, even if it is not exactly yet an affair (emotional or physical) it makes me worry that once we move to WA it won't be long before he throws me over for her or someone else. So do we stay together (but separate) while I go to school, relying on him to keep his word, or do I get a lawyer and make everything legit?

Getting a lawyer would be like announcing to him "I am ready to fight." He won't see it as my being smart or protecting myself, he'll see it as me trying to screw him over. Then it'll be a whole new ball game and I fear all these things he's saying right now he'll supply (education, alimony, child support) will be taken away because I chose to do this the difficult way.

Like I said before, I am seeing a counselor on Thursday and will bring this all up with her. I guess I can consult with a lawyer and not let H know, but it isn't easy for a SAHM to get out of the house and do something like that without H noticing (and wondering why I can't watch DS). I had a hard enough grilling about seeing the C (he is convinced I am going to see a lawyer and just lying about it).

I want this marriage to work out, I always have felt marriage is forever and you stick through it good times and bad. I thought we'd be old and sitting together watching the grandkids play one day. I want to go to WA and work through all this with him, but i DO NOT want to go to WA just to get ditched. I already moved across the country once for him, away from my entire family (to TX where we are now) and I do not want to do it again, where there is no family on either of our sides, just to be left by him (especially for another woman!). I don't think I can take that heartbreak. I'd rather work out a legitimate separation/divorce and take DS back near my family where I won't be alone. Or stay here and find work. Thing is, my H does not have to move. He didn't even have to take this job. Yet he is now trying to act like I am splitting the family up because I am wary of his plan. This is just so frustrating and confusing. I want to make the right choices here, without getting thrown under the bus in the process.

Ugh...I am having a really hard time not being snarky to H about the OW. I find myself wanting to make comments ("so what are you gonna chat about w/R tonight?") and things like that. Not attractive, I know.

I've been reading through many of the posts here and I just have to know, is there always an OW/OM? It just seems like in so many cases everyone eventually finds out their spouse is interested in someone else.

I know that H could easily get the affection he's looking for from another woman because he won't have been calling that person names for years. But is he willing to throw over his family for a clean slate he'll eventually muddy anyways? Or does he actually think someone else will be so perfect they'll never anger him enough to spout a nasty name again?

Anyway, just venting because I gotta get it out somewhere before I make an a$$ of myself w/H =/

You cannot rely on him to keep his word right now. He wants to separate from you, and drag you to another state to be his nanny/housekeeper. But that doesn't mean you should take legal action.

Don't tell him or anyone (people can't keep secrets). Get information. Find out how to protect yourself.

Don't count on his good will either way.

You'll find a way. This is important. Don't waste your IC time asking her for legal advice - you need support in dealing with you. Get the right info from the source. Your H is almost certainly lying to you...don't feel that you have to disclose everything you do to him.

LJ, it sounds like you know what's right for you if there is a D -- stay there and look for a job or move back to where your family is. Do what's right for you. If your H cares enough about you to work on the M, then he will care enough about you to stop bullying you into moving or agreeing to an unreasonable arrangement that leaves you incredibly demeaned and vulnerable.

Don't make any reference to OW. Keep your cards close to your chest!!