Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers !Help! Need Advice and encouragement!

Sandi,
dont mean to Hijack... Sorry startk 648..
If you have a moment, can you please give me your thoughts on my sitch.. Its under Valentines day is coming.. Thank you if you could. I would like you perspective on it..

Thanks so much! I was soooo glad to see this reply this morning!!!!
I have a new bank account, but I left her $180 in the old one for Doctors--she has heart, therapist, psychiatrist, etc. She has only used 25 for one doctor, so I have not closed it. I cut off her credit card, and told her politely afterwards that OM would have to finance her.(I did these things a week or so ago)She is already stressed about the financial end of it, but she still keeps spending money (from her account and OM) on restaurants, etc. for kids and her, etc. I am paying her car insurance--her truck is in my name. Once I get that title changed, she can pay her own. It's really covering me, right now. (Truck is fully paid for.)

I think she is trying to keep her relationship with God, but, of course, that is not working for her---and she won't go to AA meetings or church, etc. Like you say, He may get her to change in the end. There are LOTS of folks praying for her and us.
She vehemently defends her therapist, and I can't bring that back up--but I agree with you. Her mom and the OM are giving her bad advice, also, I'm sure. She is deathly afraid of becoming like her mom, (no real job, etc.), however, her choices mirror her mom's. I pointed that out much earlier, but don't mention it now.
I was thinking of calling OM's wife that has moved out-just to compare notes, what do you think?
I have bought myself some more clothes, cologne, etc.

What do you think about my dating? Would that work to the good or bad? It may help my self-esteem right now. Or, she may feel okay about her relationship if I do. My daughters are okay with it as long as the date doesn't drink and we don't "do stuff" (sexual, ha ha). I have really good relationships with them.
I really value your advice--thank you!!!

I believe you are smart in seeing that you do not need to pursue some lines of conversation like trying to tell her she is getting bad advice, etc., b/c she is not going to listen to you. It is really hard to keep our mouths closed when we see our loved ones hurting themselves but when they won't listen--there is nothing else we can do except pray for them.

The dating issue is really up to the individual. My suggestion is to make sure it is just "friendly" dating and that the lady knows you are S from your W and that you are not looking for any serious R right now. Many people feel that it is not fair to the one you date, but if you tell them up front that you want to keep if friendly and causal and nothing deeper....then if they want to go out, that should be fair enough. It is when you mislead people that is not fair. I used to would not go along with the idea of dating while still legally M, but it has been proven to be affective in more than one area, so do what you feel comfortable with. Don't forget that you, too, will be vulnerable at the attention of another lady, so be careful.

Paying her car insurance (and health insurance, also) is for your benefit, I agree. Never cut your nose off to spite your face.....

Thank you -- I truly appreciate your being here and helping.
What do you think about calling OM's wife---or should I let that be? She is moved out and living in an apartment. We were "friends" as a couple and she was very close to my youngest daughter. My wife was friends with her, but now talks of how "mean" she was to her husband (her new boyfriend).

If you are referring to going out with her, I think that would be a very bad idea. I have seen people end up swapping partners and it is never a good idea and really confuses the kids. Besides, everyone always thinks it is an act of revenge....even if it isn't.

For the kids' sake, I would find somebody else.

Oh no!!! I only wanted to compare notes on the relationship between her husband and my wife... Did she "catch them", or is she considering reconciling at all or does her husband possibly want to reconcile or stuff like that! I only know what my wife tells me and she lies. I would never go out with OM's wife at all!!!

Oh......okay, good.

I don't see any harm in contacting her and she if she would discuss the situation with you. Have you ever talk with her before? The main thing is do see if she would consider a reconciliation with her H or if he has said anything about it.

Sometimes I have talked with her, worked on their computer, or they have both been over or we've been over there. She and I were not really chatty or anything. I'm kind of afraid of what she might tell me about my wife and her husband, to tell the truth.


My wife is now talking about coming over during the week and fixing dinner for the girls. (She never fixed dinner that often when we were together) It's like she wants to keep her "family", but her boyfriend, too. I don't know that she will actually do it. She has not wanted to even be in the house much at all.

Wife "blew up" at daughter yesterday, but before she left the house, daughter had a majorly deep discussion with her. In fact, daughter had run out to truck to make sure wife didn't leave on bad note. My daughter-15 was talking to W as the adult in the conversation. She told her to "just shut up and listen". Daughter said that she loved her mom and would love her no matter what, even if she didn't agree with what she was doing. She also talked to her about Mom's fear of death, relationship w/God, mom going back to school, and told her not to worry about daughter making same mistakes as she did in her youth.(W had been worried about d screwing up with d's boyfriend, running away, drinking, etc.) In the middle of the original argument, W had called me and was irate. I had told her that d was entitled to opinion, but that she was trying to be respectful to mom. W was griping about how I wasn't perfect, and had made mistakes, too. I said yes, but nothing like adultery!(She hung up) Later she was trying to call and apologize. She had to text and leave voicemail b/c I wouldn't answer her. She was crying and saying she "didn't want us to be like this"---
I am trying to do an emotional cut-off of sorts. She can't expect us to be all "ok" and "close friends" like we were before she moved in w/OM. She can't have it both ways! But-I have to have text contact because of kids' activities, etc.

Any advice? does this cut-off sound right? She seems to be pursuing me, now...???

You handled it fine. Her calling you back isn't pursuing. She's just playing the sympathy card. she's not going to even get to pursuing until she is remorseful.

You saw how she was uncomfortable at your D's accusations of her (because they are the truth) and she tried to turn it around and blame you. She made a little life for herself and it's falling down around her ears. Continue to not respond to her.

You're doing well.