I wish I could shake this feeling I have now of jealousy. I'm jealous of OM getting to be with my W. It is just not fair man. I'm also jealous of her living comfortably and I'm jealous that she has been going and doing so much with OM. Plus, I'm jealous that she has someone else to lean on during all of this. Why does this all get to be SOOO easy for her?
I need to change my attitude and I guess today I'm just feeling a little low. I just feel like she is out there living lavishly and having a good time without feeling any concern for this sitch. She is just doing a better job of GAL'ing I guess -haha!
She doesn't know I have filed yet/she has not been served. She sent me a text yesterday to ask me if I had decided if I was ready to move forward with the divorce so she could let her L know to begin the process. She is just so matter of fact about it - like its as easy as deciding on what movie to go and see or something.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
She's in self preservation mode, Quart. She has to sweep all her feelings under the rug - and you're right, GALing with OM is definitely an easy way to do that. But her ivory tower will come crashing down the minute OM does something she disapproves of or out of her control. Then the fights start, etc.
I'm flipping out today too. Must be the weather - pretty rainy here. I know that I have SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) and I'm lactose intollerant, so I'm not getting my vitamin D that way either. Sunny days are always better for me.
So today I'm staying in bed, literally. Got the laptop out and I'm journaling some, reading some, advising some here and there. Trying not to make an ass of myself. Have to work tonight, though - really don't want to interact with coworkers at all. Especially one bitter one in particular.
Keep journaling, it's better than letting it get bottled up and taking it out on someone undeserving later. Good luck! (And thanks for stopping by my thread)
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
You maybe right Cautious. She probably is in self preservation mode. I'd be surprised though if OM could do anything wrong as far as she is concerned. Se is so full of the 'love potion' for him. In one her love e-mails to him she professed that he was all she had ever "dremt" (yes that is how she spelled it) of and how she had always believed in fate and now fate had brought them together. *barf*
I heard the same thing from her of course when we first started dating and then in several birthday/christmas cards. She must have had more than one dream.
Thanks for the advice on journaling and my goal for today is to CLEAN UP MY FREAKING ROOM! Holy smokes I think a tornado came through here.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
Haha, good luck with that one. I keep putting clean on my list of goals and STILL have yet to start. I even had S5's hopes up that I might uncover his computer someday soon.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
I always receive some crazy news on Sunday concerning my sitch. Luckily today has been uneventful.
Some info I have tells me W is spending the weekend with OM. Everything in me says I shouldn't care, I need to get over her, and I should no longer allow whatever she and him are doing to bother me.
This damn jealousy is eating me alive though. Thoughts and images of them "being" together just run rampant in my mind. I guess really the only thing that will help me with this will be time and GAL. It's tough.
I spoke with one of my good friends from back home last night. He went to school with my W and is actually the one that introduced she and I (he was also in our wedding). He is getting married in a couple of weeks and I have made arrangements to go back for his wedding. It is odd to think I will be there, around all of our friends, without my wife.
His wedding invitation was sent to our apt. She gave it to me and said nothing about going or sending him a gift. When he and I talked last night he acted pretty hurt about her not even contacting him to acknowledge it. He said, of course, he really wouldn't even want her there now.
All of our friends there know what has happened between she and I. I didn't go around spreading the news. "Back home" is a big city with a small town vibe where talk of this sitch between her and I spread fast - and she had to of known that would happen. I don't imagine she will receive a warm reception from anyone there now when she goes back to visit (except from her family). She seems to not even really give a crap about any of our friends back home though.
Last edited by Quart9; 03/14/1007:04 PM.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
She's got a new life now or at least trying to start one.
"but she spent a lot of her free time out with her friends partying, shopping, and who knows what else."
Be honest here. She tried to get you to do things with her didn't she? But you ignored it. Plain and simple. Sounds like she sacrificed alot for you, moving, not going out, etc.
To a woman it doesn't matter how much you make (look how many times Donald Trump has been M) it's a matter of you satisfying her emotional needs. You might have been thinking you were doing the right thing by providing her with the monetary support, but emotionally you weren't there. You can blame it on school or whatever, but that's what it comes down to.
Learn that lesson and you'll know how your R will or should be.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She's doing a honorable job of starting that new life - let me tell ya. This weekend it includes shacking up with her married boyfriend in a hotel room.
I'll be honest - no she didn't really try to get me to go and do things with her and her buds last term because she knew I couldn't go - I really had too much work to do. When school first started I tried to hang out with her and her friends and I tried to set aside Fri or Sat night as a date night for us, but as I got further into the term I couldn't keep that up. I did make a point to cook and eat dinner with her every night (unless she was out) so that we had some time each day together. I didn't ignore her completely.
Before I started school we had a good time going out. We did a lot together really. I love to have a good time Mr. Bond. I'm not a homebody. I love being rowdy, drinking beer, dining out, etc. I'm pretty sure those are some of the reasons she was attracted to me.
But we didn't move out here for that. And yes she did make a lot of sacrifices to come out here - we both did. But when it came down to the nut cutt'n she wasn't mature enough to dig in and see it through. I don't think she was/is mature enough to be married and I think marriage wasn't turning out to be the fairy tale paradigm she thought it was going to be.
I will agree that I didn't do the best last term to take care of her emotional needs. I could've done better with that and my focus was in the wrong place. But it was not always that way.
And I do think you are wrong about the money - especially as far as she is concerned. I wasn't providing her with monetary support -she was the supporter. She has become very materialistic just like her single friends and 9/10ths of the women (and men) here in LA. LA changes people man.
The bottom line is she thinks she has found a better candidate (for a while) than me. I'm happy for her and I wish she would not have wasted 9 years of my life before she did that. The relationship they have is built on cover ups, lies, and betrayal. What a solid foundation to start fresh on huh?
Last edited by Quart9; 03/15/1012:35 AM.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
This is great! I wish I had read this when I first came to this board. Heck I wish I would have read it about one minute after my W told me she wanted to S. It doesn't matter so much now but it still great advice. Thanks Rob and Ready2change:
Originally Posted By: Robx
You have to be willing to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. Without a crisis/fear of loss, what would make them want you. Here's another newsflash, she has you, you don't have her. You want her, she doesn't want you. She can have you at any time and she knows it. You can't have her at anytime and you know this. Understand this, accept this, and learn to operate from this point of view. Your current way of thinking and approaching this is not doing you any favors: you're taking steps backwards, not forwards.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you by choice?
That is what she is saying to you: "I have the choice to be with you, I know this, I just don't know that I want to be with you."
Read this, understand that this is where your W is right now.
I'll repeat it again, she has you, she knows this, she can have you at any time that she wants you and it's not terribly exciting for her, especially considering the fact that she's pursuing other men. Look at the dynamic that's in place regarding this, she wants what she can't have, she doesn't want what she does have. You are conquered, easily attainable and human nature dictates that we usually don't appreciate what we have, we usually take it for granted and attribute little value to it. Human nature also dictates that we want what we don't have and we also don't want to be controlled. You are trying to convince her that your marriage is worth saving, even if you say you aren't directly communicating this, you are showing this in your body language, the topics you might discuss, the movies that you watch, etc.
You want to change this, you want to turn this around?
Detach. Let go. Drop the rope. Move on with your life. Get a life. Make yourself scarce. Go out regularly, come home late. Limit your conversations with her.
Seriously the next conversation you have with her, if I were you I would say something like: "... I get it, you don't want me anymore, you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, I understand now, I didn't get it before but I get it now and you know what, you're right, I don't want to be here with you either, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't choose to be with me? That's just dumb. You should be with "OM", in fact I think it's a great idea because seriously, I've been lying to myself, this relationship wasn't that great and I wasn't honest with myself, you aren't floating my boat either and maybe it's time I start to find out what it's like to be with other women who want to be with me, in fact I think this is a GREAT IDEA!"
Last edited by Quart9; 03/15/1003:33 AM.
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10
Read this in the "detachment" thread and wanted to add it to mine for reference:
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
One image/thought that helped me was this one. Sorry for the non-religious folks, but I think you can apply it as well.
I realized that it was not God's plan for me to be alone. So, either one of two things was going to happen. One, my W would "come back" and want to work on our M. My old M is dead, so we will work a new M in which we will both be happier than we ever thought possible,
Two, my W does not come back. In that case, it means God has someone out there who needs me more than my W. And, that person is someone with whom (not BECAUSE of whom) I find happiness like I haven't known before.
Either way I win. So, why worry about the outcome?
Me-32 W-29 No kids ILYBNILWY 11.20.09 Separated 01.10.10 Discovered EA 01.13.10 W admitted to PA 02.21.10 I filed for D 03.09.10