It's great to hear your update and to hear a schedule of how to handle all of the recommendations. It makes a lot of sense. Particularly when it is backed up with a successful experience!
Thanks Lotus. I don't think anyone would argue that we all want the same thing when we come here. And personally, I think it's great that people get into heated discussions about which method works or the validity of advise given. To me, it just means that we all want the best result for the people involved.
And yes, sometimes that can mean advising someone to cut their losses and get out of the marriage.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Surely you don't disagree that it hurts more when someone you LOVE (and who supposedly loves YOU) inflicts damage to you, rather than a stranger, acquaintance or extended family member?
I don't disagree with that at all. But we're comparing apples and oranges, and this is not an appropriate venue for a discussion about rape.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
The question I am most frequently asked by visitors to this web site is "how can I survive my spouse's affair?" After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.
OK, this was the quote. Now where is he placing infidelity and what weight is he putting on it in regard to the other deeds?
Quote:
No, you aren't getting it, your comments make it clear you are thinking without listening first.
I completely get it and what he is saying and trying to emphasise - I am just expressing my surprise.....as is my right.
Quote:
He is GROUPING offensive crimes.. he is NOT putting them in any specific ORDER OF OFFENCE...
No, but he is weighting infidelity.....surely YOU CAN SEE THAT.
Quote:
.....and I do not have time for this.
So why did you bother replying?
I'm not stupid......although I guess you possibly think I am. I was just commenting on my amazement at the way he had phrased his comments.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Harley is known for being quite passionate about this subject... he's known for daring statemetns that will shock people.. He has put infidelity and rape in similar cateogiries in public lecture.. this sort of thing is daring for most Family Therapists.. he is probably one of the most outspoken voices on how much emotional violence this sort of thing brings to a home.
Yes, he's abbraisive, but ya, maybe that's why I like his work...
No, I don't think anyone is stupid, I think some people are lazy and don't listen or read when they shoul be is all.
If you read more of Harley's work you will find a lot of daring comments on this subject from him. I am not going to argue each case. If you don't agree with him, send him an email.
THere is a LOT of good material in his work, I don't take all of it myself either. But I do try to find the diamonds in the rough and share them when I can.
Like any writer, MWD included, there are things that you won't like this is no reason to toss the baby out with the bathwater...
You can toss up any comment of his that you disagree wtih, this does not dismiss the entire body of his work or his credentials.. it merely means you disagree with the point posted...
But I am noticing here a lean to dismiss Harley in particular based on a specific point he has made, which is downright silly.
Again I don't think anyone is stupid, but I do think care should be taken when reading anyting, and sometimes the time, the patience, or the situation does not make this possible.
I have replied to many posts in haste myself, due to excitemetn about what was read, or due to a time constraint of my end...
I wholeheartedly agree, in particular when that subthread was based on a misreading of a post. lol
Allen, I am quite tired of your accusation that I misread. I have not been misreading your posts. In fact, it is part of language theory that the reader brings as much to any written passage as the writer does. In terms of understanding, the writer brings only 50% of the information. It is for this reason that writing must be as precise as the writer can make it.
You need to stop accusing people of not being as smart as you are. First of all, I have no doubt that it is not true. And secondly, it is insulting.
Those I've counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
No, you aren't getting it, your comments make it clear you are thinking without listening first.
He is GROUPING offensive crimes.. he is NOT putting them in any specific ORDER OF OFFENCE...
Actually, by using the term "very worst", he IS putting them in order of offense.
So perhaps everyone, myself included, should read things more carefully.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
And yes, I believe there's a gender difference too. I read somewhere, and I know Puppy likes to say it, for a woman to love a man, there has to be respect and most women won't respect a man who's letting her treat him like chit (my W included).
I have to say that, based upon my experience, this is very true. And my experience was, in other ways, very atypical, so I just want to throw that disclaimer out there. But I exposed really quickly to xH's brother and to 2 trusted friends, because I thought we could essentially do an "intervention" and bring him back to his senses. Big miscalculation on my part, because none of them was willing to confront him, and in fact seemed appalled that I would violate his privacy by reading his email. Somehow that was worse than violating our marriage vows. When xH found out I had exposed, he exploded, and that was when any viable communication between us ended. permanently. complete personality change--and he threatened me with all kinds of awful things if I exposed to his "professional colleagues" (he was a hospital chaplain having an affair with a nurse on his unit--a major ethical breach). It pushed him further into entitlement, it alienated friends.
Again, I don't think my sitch is typical. And I think it's much different when women cheat. Whatever humiliates men, I'm afraid, is counterproductive. But I've seen it work very well when wives' affairs are exposed.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
