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Can anyone give me some expectations on mediation. I mean I'm right away going to say I will not willingly agree to anything other than joint physical custody and W I'm guessing is going to say she won't agree to anything other than sole custody.

So exactly what can a mediator do then?

We tried a mediator do to the whole thing, but W was still unsure of whether to return to the marriage so we did not follow through with financial homework that the mediator needed. After she stalled long enough trying to figure things out, I just let my L follow through. And I probably came out better with going the L route as the mediator was having us come up with our budgets so as to determine how much spousal support my W was to get. My L had us buy her out on spousal support determined through negotiation (I get child deductions) as part of the division of assets and I was able to refinance the house to pay it all off.

There is no set method on the financials and it should be looked at like a business deal with some offers back and forth.

The mediator is a good first try to explain to both of you what could realistically happen if 2 L's haggling back and forth dont agree to parenting time and/or financial.

Your W is totally wrong to base custody on money. It is a selfish way and uses the kids as pawns. An ethical lawyer will not try for more parenting time with just the idea of getting more support money. My L said he had turned clients away that tried to get more time out of greed. Custody should be decided first before the financials are dealt with. And the decision should be on what is best for the kids. Joint physical custody is the best as they still get equal time with a mom and a dad which have different ways of parenting.

She sent me an email at 10:20 in response to my email. It was well thought out. She worked hard on it.

But I responded that joint physical custody isn't about money, it's about the fact we've always had a 50/50 relationship when it comes to their upbringing and I will not settle for less.

I also will not agree to giving up Sunday nights with them.

It was harsh at some points -- not name calling or blaming harsh but basically I am not going to give in harsh.

I don't know if it will make this worse or better.

I ended it by saying that things are likely to get worse between us while this gets hashed so I wanted to tell her I was proud to be her husband and will always treasure our years together.

Hmm....this is tough. My ex and I were pretty much in agreement on kid time and how it was divided...I would say do what you feel is in the best interest of your kids and your relationship with them...

And if it does get ugly between you and W try to shield them from that as much as possible, of course...

Up at 5 a.m. to go to work at the Shamrock Shuffle in Chicago. How do I keep my mind from racing? I keep going over every argument that she's likely to put forward with a counter argument.

I'm trying to remember the Stockdale paradox -- to trust in the end of the story and to trust that I'm going to come out of this OK. But the bitterness is rising. She can reject me. I've handled that mostly, but to take the girls from me. Her return email asked if I really enjoyed my time with the girls after school or if I was just posturing to prove I have them 50 percent of the time.

She doesn't get it at all. I live for the times I have my kids -- like I lived for the times we were together as a family.

I know I'm supposed to stay calm through all of this, but it's amazing to me how important all this is to me.

I'm fearing the process now. I'm fearing the worst.

CTH,

You seem to do worse PMA-wise when you start playing the "what-if, what-if, what-if ..." game.

I have a feeling custody is often about the money. My idea is that they should, in the ideal world, look at the years before the D. I know in my state that is one of the factors in the statutes that the judge is supposed to look at; what the custody arrangement was like before the divorce process.

In my case, my X was a barely-there dad for 16 years before the D. He started taking them 50% of the time, against my will, 2 months before the final divorce hearing. It makes me sick that a parent would do that kind of thing. Same thing in your case.

In my state they usually seem to do 50/50 or one night and every other weekend to parents that aren't that involved. That seems fair to me.

I think you should fight as much as you can for 50% and I think from what you say that shouldn't be a problem. What does your L say?

I do think you might want to save any emails you have where your W stated that she needed full custody for financial reasons. Makes it pretty obvious what's going on I would think to any judge.

I also think you shouldn't email or discuss any of the custody arrangements with your W. Just leave it to the Ls. That kind of discussion is pointless.

Yes, Drew. I'm trying to remind myself that custody won't be decided today so try not to worry about it.

I'm in Chicago. Horrible weather, but luckily there wasn't much to do today. Tomorrow is the big day. We have to break all of the tents down and load up the trucks.

I called a friend -- we went to HS together and she used to be on a dance team with W so she knows both of us -- and she is picking me up for dinner.

So I'm filling in my time fairly well, but still feel down. I guess the Friday exchange with W has me wondering how much damage is going to be done in the next few months.

I see what FIBs went through. I've read others say it's a relief when it's over because everything is decided and you can just live. But all of this is so important. I want to be proud of how I handle this time, and I'm worried I'm not up to it.

CTH, how easy-breezy they talk and yammer and open up to you!
And how great is this:

Not good. Has she that right?

I'll bet L will have something to say about this.

Hopefully, L will present it as a necessary modification under the circumstances and not as the opening salvo of a fight.

Hang in there.,