You don't know what my H knows and what he doesn't know. You are not an expert on my life just because you read a one page story on this board. I can't help but wonder what your personal hang-ups are that my youthful escapades in any way affect you. This is a good example of a person bringing his own anger at his situation to another person's thread. My H and I have moved past the past. What is your problem?
The cornerstones of marriage are love, trust, commitment, and forgiveness. Without all four of those attributes, marriages fail. You cannot rebuild your marriage on distrust, grudge holding, and silence.
And there is no anger at all Lotus. I am at peace with what has happened in my life. I followed the path of tough love. The affair did not end. I lost a marraige. Found myself. And I even busted an affair in the progress. All healthy.
But I like to bring context to a persons opinion. Helps me understand what they are writing.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Chatterbug, you seem to be inferring Lotus' M is rebuilt on rocky footings. You can't possibly know that.
BTW, just exactly how did you 'bust' the A in your sitch if it didn't finish? Do you mean you just proved the existence of the A? Just didn't understand what you meant{scratch head icon needed}.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
A friend of mine was having an affair. So I showed him exactly what he was doing. And I took him in under my roof. And it was the hardest thing I ever did. Watching him conduct his affair. But I kept showing him how it affected me and what it was doing to his wife and child. It took 3 months. And it was worth every second and every pain. My friend and his wife thanked me in person. In 2 weeks I will be going to their house to stay a few days to check up and offer my advice as they piece their marriage back together. I have read lots on my time here. I never became bitter or resentful. I never hated. For if I did I would be throwing away 15 years of my life.
Puppy never apologize to me. You are my friend and did not say anything disrespectful.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I can say that outshining the OW has worked for me. But this is because the OW in my sitch showed her true colors and shattered the fantasy into a million pieces. She became angry and ugly, and I stayed calm and cool. H saw her true colors. I believe that it definitely comes down to each individual situation AND the personalities of those involved -- as well as the "type" of affair.
However, due to extenuating circumstances in my sitch, which I won't get into here, OW is still in the picture. I wanted a chance to save my M, so I've held on for dear life. Admittedly, that has taken its toll on me (it's been nearly 3 years). But I can live with that because even if I end up throwing in the towel, I will know that I did everything possible to save my M. And, I'll come out in the end as a stronger, better person. I will have no regrets. I did it my way (cue Frank here).
I read through the advice on DB when I first joined, and cried on a few shoulders, too. I have also read a ton of books but in the end took the road that was the best for ME. Confrontation was not for me. Exposing the A would not have helped (everyone found out anyway). But those approaches have helped others ... again, back to varying situations and personalities ...
I agree with Saffie that newbies should not act on advice without thinking it through. I believe the 48 hr rule -- or probably longer -- certainly applies.
The subject on what approach to take can be argued till the cows come home. Lotus is correct in saying that anyone seeking advice on the DB forums needs to consider carefully. What one person deems right for them may not be right for you. I again say it comes down to each individual and their situation.
Overall, it doesn't make getting though infidelity any easier. There are no easy roads to take, there are no magical answers or crystal balls. God, don't we wish there were...
It's great to hear from someone who succeeded using the another method. I won't say "the other method" because I think they are many ways to succeed and many ways to fail. I think it is harder to be patient and kind when you want to scream and lash out. But there are benefits to self-control. At least, that's what I've tried to teach my kids!
In 2 weeks I will be going to their house to stay a few days to check up and offer my advice as they piece their marriage back together.
If you are going to give advice in piecing, I hope you will be more forgiving of his wife's affair than you have been of mine. I think bitter comments like the ones you've been giving me could be destructive to a couple working on reconciling. Luckily, my H and I are secure in our marriage and are not shaken by destructive comments from outsiders.
