It is possible to bust the affair and at the same time destroy any hope of reconciliation. How is that a success?
Agreed!
Quote:
That is why I feel it is necessary to remind people that this is a bulletin board, not a therapist's office. There are real Divorce Busting counselors, but you don't find them on the bulletin board, they do phone counseling at the number above.
And my DB coach's advice was in total conflict with what so many posters advised me to do. My point is that the posters are using real life experience and not MWD at times. But we just need to point that out every now and then and be aware of what we follow and what we don't.
Last edited by newmama; 03/17/1003:21 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
About the case for those who have reconciled offering advice- I want to clarify. To me it is important to know if someone advising has reconciled or not because I can understand that poster's state of mind a little better.
Ex: I expect that if someone is posting and is divorced or permanently separated, they will have a jaded view at times of what one should do. It is not to say that their advice is invalid, it is to say that their advice is going to be negatively-emotionally charged. I hope that makes sense.
If someone has reconciled, I am curious to see their story and how they acheived that outcome because there are different paths to R.
If someone is in limbo, I am curious to see why they are not divorced yet...what practices are they putting into place to stall the D?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I believe I actually said it was good to discuss different views. What I didn't like was YOUR tone and attitude. Funnily enough, I would think that my general approach is similar to yours and Pup's. What I don't think is necessary is your phrasing at times and what seemed like a personal attack on another poster.
Puppy knows my history and my views and I think he would also agree that I pretty much take a 'hard ball' approach when offering advice to posters whose S are having A's, however, I try very much to temper the way I post to try and meet the needs of tthe individual poster.
Recently I have been quiet and not posting, but I am afraid my general feeling of distaste at the tone of your posts brought me out of the woodwork.
Although you seem to think you and Puppy are singing from the same song sheet, there is a difference in the style with which you two deliver your information/advice. I would suggest you read Puppy's posts more closely and adopt his slightly more diplomatic style.
People post all sorts of rubbish on here. I can remember early on in my posting days pouring my heart out about the fact that although the OW was out of the picture and my H was working hard on the M, I still couldn't get my head round things. The thoughts in my head were in danger of still bringing my M to an end. Someone posted to me that I should just be grateful because I had 'won' as my H was with me. To me it's not about winning or losing, or about being better or worse than someone else. It's about finding one's inner self esteem and feeling complete again - S or no S. To be told I should be grateful I had won was just plain stupid. I was part way through a painful journey and floundering - that comment did nothing to help.
I like the way Puppy talked about the change from infidelity to piecing. He is right. Maybe part of the problem is that sometimes the posting from those of us in piecing is a stage too far forward for the infidelity forum at times?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
If someone is in limbo, I am curious to see why they are not divorced yet...what practices are they putting into place to stall the D?
newmama - i know you have offered thoughts on my most recent finding of my W affair.
right now i would call us in limbo - no talk of divorce...any more - i have laid down boundries that we are using right now, the biggest thing is she cut off all contact from him about a month ago when i really started digging.
she read DR and is able to see how i was the way i was and she the way she was. she made her choice and now we are dealing with it.
bottom line is this stupid thing has really shown us that we lost something we cannot change the past but are willing to try to make the future better.
now we have 3 kids so i may be a different case than one without.
Last edited by gman; 03/17/1003:41 PM.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Yes, many times people assume that all situations are like. If the situation is one of infidelity, then they might project their situation onto the one seeking advice. But all situations are not alike. And the people involved come to it with different histories, and different ways of interacting. Human relationships are very complex. There is no one size fits all solution. I do think that some posters are so angry in their own lives that they bring that anger to every situation that they see.
I also worry that when some of the newbies arrive in the infidelity forum, they are in such a bad way, they may act on advice without thinking through exactly how it might affect their own situation.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Maybe part of the problem is that sometimes the posting from those of us in piecing is a stage too far forward for the infidelity forum at times?
As long we are doing our balancing act, I think it is both possible that those in piecing or reconciled may want to move things forward at too fast a clip, it is also possible that those still in infidelity are not willing to believe the end of the affair.
Talking of love being an addiction, you might find the following interesting
The work of these scientists is not a new idea. Particularly Tuppy, Harley, and Glass have discussed these ideas at length.
The greeks have seven different words to describe love, but some of these scientists are just using the english version and merging these concepts all into the same word... Its frustrating and confusing.
If people were trained to use a different word for both
Short Term attachment Long Term attachment
I think there would be a lot less confusion about what an affair is. Right now we use "love" to describe the feeling in both cases... this results in people experiencing both the attachmetn of an affair and the attachment of a marrige to put them on the same level. This is as Phil McGraw says "a ridiculous comparison".. apples and oranges so to speak.
This further results in some straying spouses to think they have "fallen out of love" or to claim "I love you but I am not In Love with you"... and to dismiss the long term attachment as old, tired, and not worth keeping around.
There is finally a recognition near the end of the article for three kinds of love :
Lust Short Term attachment (my term) Long Term attachment (my term)
These concepts are covered in Tuppy, Glass, and Harley's work already... this is not new.
These scientists, particularly Fisher in this article is helping to imperically validate on a genetic level what Family Therapists such as Glass, Tuppy, and Harley have been saying for quite some time now...
Short Term Attachment can be dangerous and is not the same thing as Long Term Attachment...
Tuppy in particular has said outright the biggest problem with the human brain is in fact that it CAN hold a short term attachment (an affair) and a long term attachment( a marriage) at the same time. Once this is setup in the brain by the straying partner a dilemna ensues between the choise of the long term or the short term attachment.
Quote:
However, she does think that administering serotonin can help someone get over a bad love affair faster. She also suggests it is possible to trick the brain into feeling romantic love in a long-term relationship by doing novel things with your partner. Any arousing activity drives up the level of dopamine and can therefore trigger feelings of romance as a side effect. This is why holidays can rekindle passion. Romantics, of course, have always known that love is a special sort of chemistry. Scientists are now beginning to show how true this is.
Harley himself has advocated using medication to reduce the effects of withdrawal from an affair that is ending. Note I don't consider an affair OVER or ENDED until the withdrawal period is complete. If I had a dime for every post I have seen here titled "He's back" or "She's back" I would be a rich man.
The genetics research on these voles does help hard core scientists who dismiss psychology and imperical observation of human behavior as valid evidence. I am confident in the many years infidelity experts have put into researching this subject. These genetic results help confirm something Family Therapists have been saying for decades.
