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Save you time again:

From "Band of Brothers":

You wouldnt believe how many times I have repeated the above quote to myself.

Just back from therapy session. No Contact agreed upon until June 9.

Baby steps.

I'm finding the marriagebuilders.com site really helpful re: infidelity. She says that the OW is her soulmate, that they have a destiny to work out, that she has been yearning for her since their breakup (OW left her) 25 years ago... I feel like sloppy seconds.

Sounds like "in love" poisoning to me.

I'm SOOOOO mad at the OW who I thought was my friend. I'm not the go and punch her out kinda person but the urge is there!

Is there anything productive I can do about the OW?

Thinking of the two of us going to OW house to read the parameters of the NO CONTACT agreement so I can look into her eyes while she says she'll comply.

Wanted to share the books that the therapist recommended. (by the way, he hit the question head on today: (to W) what is missing for you that going to OW might fill?)

1. A general theory of love
2. Should I leave
3. the neuroscience of human relationships

Anyone read them?

Yes, the WAS says all kinds of hurtful things in an effort to rewrite the R history and justify their cheating. Whatever.

I totally understand wanting to punch the OW. I called and confronted her as soon as I found out about the A, not a good thing to do. After that I just let it go. I had many a mean thought about her but decided to leave her punishment up to the universe. She got laid off a couple months into the A and that was a good start for me. Now I just don't want to waste time and energy on trash like that.

The only thing you can do about OW is expose the affair to her partner if she has one.

So W agreed to no contact? Is there a transparency plan in place to ensure no contact? Without a transparency plan I will bet good money (that I don't have) W and OW will be in contact.

If the second book on the list is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," then I have read that one. I'm actually planning to reread it now. I found it helpful but of course BF had to manufacture a reason to justify the cheating. I asked him about it when we started talking about reconciling and he doesn't remember what it was and of course now whatever it was isn't an issue.

My point is that W is so fogged out right now that you have to remember to believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

Are you going to joint counseling again?

YES we are going to MC again.

Tell me more about transparency. I agree that she is so fogged out she will be hard pressed to comply. (part of why I want to see the OW agree to it too.)

The only people I could usefully expose the affair to are the OW parents who are quite elderly and I think it would end ANY possibility of reconciliation with W. Though, there are mutual friends who also stood up and made vows to uphold our marriage at our wedding. W is dead set against them knowing, counsellor agrees because they'd make things more complex, drama-filled, and messy.

Yes, no contact. W even agreed that I needed to be the one to convey the no-contact rules, not her. And when pressed she sounded very clear, and settled that this was the right step for her as well as for me.

Hope?

Speaking of transparency, I looked it up...
I have access to the phone bills for her phone (we have one account)
I have access to all her bank accounts (we have joint banking)
I have access to her e-mail account and electronic calendar (though there is no history of use reading each other's email so that will feel weird to do.)

I have no way to monitor video or text chat on the computer.
I have no way to monitor her leaving the house and visiting while I'm away, I'm away at least 1/2 of every week.

What can I do and what am I missing?

keylogger... works like a charm, I know

Between a keylogger and the other things you do have access to, Amy, my suggestion would be to -- in this order:

1. Gather more intel

2. Expose to CLOSE family/friends -- ones you know will be supportive of your marriage. Tell them that W is likely going to lie to them about this, but that you wouldn't be coming to them if you didn't have iron-clad PROOF.

3. Confront wife. Tell her "I know all about you and ______, and it needs to stop, now. It's incredibly disrespectful to our marriage, and I won't LIVE in an open marriage."

The reason you do these in this sequence is that it strengthens your hand to pre-warn friends and family that wife will lie to them, but that you will NEVER lie to them. Then, when she does lie to them, you gain credibility (hat-tip to Allen A for this one).

You seem afraid to do all of this, and I COMPLETELY understand. But it doesn't change the fact that it's what NEEDS to be done. Will she be livid? Absolutely.

She'll also get over it.

Puppy