Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Are you getting good marital advice?

Thanks pupster, ya got my back again.

I actually believe you were the one to coin the MWD affair-busting approach as the "bo-peep strategy" lol

And at the time, it was a reccomendation for something more aggresive... we later came up with the Ghandi strategy which you gave the five whistles. lol

I find this thread more or less to be a back and forth between these two approaches...

Lotus,

I've been through the Retrouvaille program with my wife, two years ago. It's very good; my parents have facilitated both it and Marriage Encounter weekends. It is NOT, however, intended for marriages where one (or both) of the spouses are having an active affair. They tell you that, in fact, when you register (or at least they're supposed to), and they usually refuse to accept you for a weekend until the affair is ended, and the couple is committed to trying to work on the marriage, unencumbered.

From the program's own website:

Before the couple can start the program, however, it's essential that both spouses be willing to work on saving the marriage. If one partner is unwilling to face the issues or is in denial, then he or she isn't ready to commit to Retrouvaille. Additionally, if there is substance abuse or infidelity, these behaviors must stop before the program is entered.

Retrouvaille.org


It's a wonderful program, but it doesn't really apply to adultery situations.

Puppy

Thanks pup, this more or less follows up on the earlier point you had about divorce-busting being very important, but during an affair a more firmer stance needs to be taken to end the affair first.

I am not dismissing bo-peep approaches, but bo-peep can't deal with a third party actively trying to derail your marriage... she just don't have it in her.

There's two basic problems with Bo-Peep:

1) It's not effective; and

2) It kills the self-esteem, and sometimes even the emotional health, of the betrayed spouse.

Other than that, I'm all for it.

And that doesn't get INTO the longer-term financial, emotional, legal, and even medical risks that the family faces for every month the affair is allowed to continue.

Puppy

ok, so, mystery solved in my view.

We have one person advocating an approach to affair-busting - largely based on Retrouvaille, where according to puppy's thorough research here, the original designers of the approach do not advocate its use during an affair

Mystery solved

That pretty much puts an end to this debate... well done Detective

"a. First, its insulting. I would respectfully ask you to apologize to the members of this forum for suggesting that your experience is worth more than their educated experience and that of the authors they have read. This is just downright silly, but more to the point, its offensive."

She was just offering an opinion. I don't think she needs to apologize for anything.

What we all offer here are opinions. It's up to the individual to decide if it's the gospel truth to them or not. What works in one case may not work in another.

There have also been additional sitches where the posters were strongly advised to do something about their WAS's A, but they didn't listen to popular opinion and it worked out fine.

Other sites such as the survivinginfidelity.com website forum shows many cases where the WAS "snapped out of it" and came out of it on their own without having been threatened with exposure.

But hey like everything else on here, it's just my opinion.

Allen, Are the books and articles you cite available somewhere? or referenced more completely somewhere? I'm interested.
Thanks,

Please let differing opinions continue. Obviously there is more than one way to reconcile; some may take longer than others. But to be honest, I can only count like 5 people who are giving advice that HAVE reconciled (I know others are out there but where?)! It would be helpful if people put info in their signatures.

NOT TO DISCOUNT ADVICE from those (of us) who haven't reconciled yet because we all know about hindsight.

Shirley Glass in my opinion is/was the most knowledgeable author on infidelity.

She unfortunately passed away before writing a second book... she spent so much time researching the first one to make it as good as it is...

Harley has his own website and is a published Author

Penny Tuppy has an eBook on confrontation and protection phases of her appraoch, again online.

My main point, and still is my point, is that the DR book is mostly for rebuilding a marriage, it does not offer effective strategies for combating affairs... particularly the overt kind where the spouse refuses to end the affair.

Even MWD offers advice for CATCHING someone having an affair.. bug their PC with spyware.. but AFTER that confrontation and proof of an affair, she offers very little advice on how to deal with the fallout.. in some cases on this forum the affair goes on for over a year after that... how does a LBS survive that year? how do they fight back?

Penny Tuppy is largely the resource I draw on, but she bases her position on Harley and Glass who are strong advocates of infidelity being handled like any other addiction - intervention, confontation, protection, etc

MWD herself has an endorsement on the cover of Glass' book Not Just Friends.. so you know its DB-Friendly....

There are people that reconcile; but leave the boards after such time. Some stick around to pay forward what they have learned.