Needed to take a break from the BB for a few days. Found myself doing the EXACT thing I have advised others to try not to do...EMPATHIZE too much!!
This led to an argument between H and I SAT...an argument that should never have happened The convo should have been a short one and dropped...of course I didn't drop it but kept running in circles with it to the point that H finally exploded.
It all stemmed from the fact that I felt like I had let myself down horribly. I had promised myself that I would get a handle on my infernal question asking once and for all. This is the worse of my "same old" behaviours and the hardest one for me to deal with. I have TWO questions that I pursue relentlessly...the sitch occured that always brings one of them up and as soon as I felt it in my mind I was mortified and became so intensely angry and self-resentful that my hands were shaking!
Now, H had come home in a really good mood but immediately noticed the abrupt change in me. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't answer, I was grinding my teeth so hard. I fled up to the comp in hopes I could unload it on the BB but all I could do was stare at the darn screen...couldn't form a single co-herent thought I went back downstairs and sat on the couch...H once again askes me what was wrong. After several minutes I finally told him that I was caught up in a WHOLE lot of resentment. H asked WHY...that was the wrong thing to ask because I proceeded to TRY to tell him. H didn't get it...couldn't understand that much self- anger I guess. When I tried an analogy I chose the wrong one...H got it then, or so he thought. I realized he was ASSuming the wrong thing and still not understanding me.
I let it drop...for a little bit. Since I felt that H was under the wrong impression (actually felt like he was calling me a liar), I tried to explain things again. It didn't work and we ended up yelling at each other Not a good thing because we ended up barely speaking the rest of the night.
I did try to aplogize in the form of finishing up some sewing that needed done on his uniforms. I think that helped some because we didn't go to bed mad but still...I wished that I could have just undone the whole evening and started back over again.
The whole episode led to the realiziation that I was trying to do too many different methods of DB'ing at once...most likely due to my reading and over-empathizing with other threads. I needed a break and I needed to get back to "keeping it simple" and working on ONE thing at a time.
So I have only ONE goal at the moment: Get my incessant need to ask the same questions over and over again under control. I will know that I am succeeding as that need wanes...the questions will no longer pop into my head and then out of my mouth involuntarily. I have managed NOT to ask either of my 2 big questions for 3 days now.
I do have positives from the last few days but will post them later
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Fri. H came home for supper. He comes up behind me and kisses me on the neck and starts telling me that he knows I've wanted something for a while and have talked about it a lot...he has his hands behind his back and a big smile on his face! He brings his hands around in front and......hands me a picture frame I'm confused at this point but I turn the frame over and OMG! It is a picture of a beautiful 4-5 yo Sorrel Gelding!!!
Yes, I am a horse lover I have never pushed the issue toward getting one (even though we have the land and a barn etc) because I knew they were expensive and a big responsibility and that H had some concerns about my riding alone (because of E). I knew that H would have to take on a lion's share of the work in the beginning as well since he is the one with all of the horse and livestock experience...I didn't want to place that much burden on him in regards to any animals since it is agreed that the animals are "my domain".
H, it now seems, would like to have a horse or two himself since he has decided to get involved in a particular type of shooting competition. The opportunity we have here doesn't come along very often either. We would be getting the gelding and a stable companion (mare or shetland), all tack and care equipment for both animals, delivery of the animals to our place in return for our taking care of them for the current owner (boarding more or less ) We can keep the animals for as long as we like with the probable option to purchase at least the gelding.
I am stoked to say the least I am trying not to get my hopes up too much though until we get to see the animals next week...I think I am losing in the trying area though
To me, this is a major example of PATIENCE paying off I knew that I could have pushed the issue of getting a horse and gotten one at ANY point since we purchased our place. That would have built up a tremendous amount of rensentment in our R/M though. If there was anything that I learned from my 2nd M it was that accumulating animals to fill a "void" within myself was not the way to go. Yes, I do have a menagerie in the house but they aren't all here through my insistence...they are all here because H and I talked about each one extensively before bringing them home...HA(!) now that I think about it, most of them were his idea first
PAtience
PAtience
Patience!!
More positives:
1. H did not stay angry because of Sat. arguement.
2. H is coming home at supper time and instead of going straight upstairs is coming into the kitchen and kissing and hugging me hello!
3. I am still keeping my question problem under control...4 days and counting!
4. H has been playful and silly the last couple of days. This is making for a much easier going atmosphere around the house.
5. H is actually spending LESS time on the comp adn more time with me this week.
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Well, last night H and I talked about OW some. His company decided to have the Supervisors' X-mas party early this year. H said it was the same weekend that he had "drill" (Army Reserves). He said he already told everyone that we weren't going to it, that he didn't feel like coming home and jumping through hoops to get ready...and he felt it was probably best to avoid putting me and OW in the same room together. He didn't want to hear me get all pissy about OW making "goo-goo" eyes at him etc and causing a scene
I didn't like the way he said that. I told him that I felt he was being awfully defensive of HER when it should be ME that he should be defending H said he just wanted to avoid any problems. I told him that any problems that would've arose would not have been on my part...I went last year and played nice even though I knew what was going on. I said if he wanted to go that I had no difficulties in us going and would just act "as if" I also said that the problem would be OW getting drunk and obnoxious and getting in MY face, not the other way around. I'm a much better person then that.
H still said he didn't want to go...he knew that OW could get loopy and stupid and since it is a drill weekend he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself anyway.
For me it is a matter of pride I guess. I don't want OW or anyone to think they got the best of me and thus that is why H and I didn't show at the party. For H it is fear I suppose. H has seen me lose my temper and go NUCLEAR. He doesn't want a "scene" to happen. We tried to talk it through...I'm still not sure if we did or not. It didn't devolve into an argument which is good.
H did say amidst all of this that he still avoids OW completely and that he doesn't see himself ever cheating on me again.
H has been fairly preoccupied this week...excitement over being in the Reserves finally, making sure uniforms and paperwork are in order, working without a day off for the past 2 weeks. I have been doing my best to deal with it...tried to snatch a bit of cuddle time this morning but that didn't happen I ended up putting H right back to sleep again! H accused me of "being up his @$$" again I didn't let it get to me too bad though. I waited until he was wide awake for about an hour or so and then apologized for it seeming that way...then I told him that I was just trying to sneak in a little bit of quality time since he has been so busy lately. That seemed to smoothe things over
A big positive earlier this week. I had an appointment with my E doctor and H went in with me! This is the first he has gone in with me in almost 2 years. I didn't ask him to either. H ASKED if I minded if he came in and then he asked if it was ok for him to come with me when I actually spoke to the doctor ( I figured he'd just sit in the waiting room) This was a big help for me because the doc always asks how long my seizures are and what are they like...I don't have a clue myself, I just pick myself up off the ground afterwards, but H was able to tell the doc about them. Since H could the doc decided to increase my meds again and order some tests done that were apparently over-due. I tend to down-play my E as much as possible...I guess I was doing so with the doc too H might have picked up on that?? I was just happy that he went in with me I thanked him for it too
We had a really good night last night I gave H a lot of time to himself while I went digging through boxes we have never unpacked looking for stuff. H played on his X-box and ironed his uniform (I DON"T iron his uniforms...lol) and ended up being in really good spirits by the time I finally gave up and sat down. He then snuggled up to me and told me how much he appreciated me, that my clam chowder was excellent and I did a fantastic job cutting his hair this afternoon. He said it felt good to cuddle up with me...especially since I was so warm
Too bad he didn't get any sleep though H will be REALLY grumpy by the time he gets home tonight...oh well, I'll just hold on to the good from last night and it will see me through
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I went back downstairs and sat on the couch...H once again askes me what was wrong. After several minutes I finally told him that I was caught up in a WHOLE lot of resentment. H asked WHY...that was the wrong thing to ask because I proceeded to TRY to tell him. H didn't get it...couldn't understand that much self- anger I guess. When I tried an analogy I chose the wrong one...H got it then, or so he thought. I realized he was ASSuming the wrong thing and still not understanding me.
This was a big help for me because the doc always asks how long my seizures are and what are they like...I don't have a clue myself, I just pick myself up off the ground afterwards, but H was able to tell the doc about them. Since H could the doc decided to increase my meds again and order some tests done that were apparently over-due. I tend to down-play my E as much as possible...I guess I was doing so with the doc too 
