Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy setting boundaries when not clear if A is over

blownaway, heck no should dads get sole custody of newborns! (no offense dads) the law in my state has gradual increased amounts of visitation. At newborn stage, baby is with mom 24/7. Dad can visit or see the baby I think for 2 hours at a time, 2-3 days per week. I should dig up my plan but I did send it to Flowmom on her old thread.

I think the terms "co-parent" and "parenting plan" are fancy new ways to say "shared custody." You can still have 50-50 or 40-60 etc. split of kids...but there is an agreement and there is a court appointed class on how to deal with your kids and ex after a divorce.

Now, if she wants her H to be bonded to the baby to be his/her father, then H should be a part of the baby's life. Looking back, just visiting a few times a week would have been sufficient.The baby was totally all about mom until around month 3 and then definitely by month 5 he responded to dad.

You are right, blownaway, that it is pretty much impossible to detach when the H is around the baby all the time!

And like I have said, it would have been eaiser if WH was not into S so I could cut him out of my life completely and move on!

NM and BA,

Blownaway, you are right: my H is deluding himself if he thinks flying in for a few days a month is meaningful parenting.

And NM, thanks for clearly outlining the issues around a newborn, as opposed to older children. A newborn can't leave it's mum's side, so there is no way I will be 'handing over' the child for any length of time for many months to come.

Also, what you said about your child not necessarily bonding with Dad until after the first 3 months BUT that your H bonded to the baby at the birth, was interesting....

I woke up this morning thinking about the A. I think my H is still in the "A fog", or post-affair Fog - whichever it is, I don't know.

It's not often I think of H and the OW together, but my imagination took off & I started to think that my H's evasive behaviour and the absolute refusal to reconcile is either a result of the A continuing, or the worst MLC ever.

Or maybe it's as he said.. he doesn't love me, has been unhappy for years, thinks now is the best time to exit the M.

Have spent much less time crying this week.. feel stronger, but also more numb.

I am worried I don't want to save the M anymore.

Piano don't make any decisions about divorce now...trust me. DO see your L and Do call that divorcebusting coach! Then do your best to sit back and wait for the baby. Personally, I feel my WH robbed me of my pregnancy experience and this last year with my baby due to this crap! But I know it won't be forever.

You're right. Buying time is better for now. I did spend today however getting all my docs ready for the L's appointment next week. I realise how much my H took care of this administrative side of our lives. It is doing me good to get a hold on our shared financial/administrative history. Demystifies it a bit, actually.

I plan to do as you say NM, and sit back, enjoy the last 2 months of this pregnancy as much as I can. The 2nd trimester has been a shambles, to say the least.

Ok, so big news. I had my first DB coaching session.

Confirmed some fairly ugly truths about me:
--I am needy emotionally and socially.
--In our 2yrs overseas, I was a financial burden on H
--I was often sullen, grumpy and nagging with H
--I made H feel undesireable sexually.

We also discovered that my H probably sees me a bit like his mother.. someone who devours him with her high-voltage 'emotionality'.

Decided on the following course of action:
1. Let H know that I "get it" that he is done with the M. Also acknowledge it to myself. And acknowldege that the future we now have is the joint investment in our child.
If I continue to tell him what he is doing is wrong, he will just go further to show me that he's right.

2. Acknowldege to H that all this emotionality is too much for him, but it's also too much for me & the baby. Let him know that space is good for me right now, and that I 'own' this seperation too (it's not something he's done to me, but that WE are taking time apart).

3. Work on improving myself and what kind of mother I am going to be. If it's a single-mother, then think about how I am going to do it.

So that's generally what advice was given. I think it's good advice.

As I am not initiating contact, not sure when I will get the chance to communicate the above to H.

Oh, and I forgot to add, that if WH contacts me sometime soon to tell me he has found a job interstate, the Coach today said I'm to simply reply, "I kinda thought you would" - without blaming or being bland (I thought that was an interesting word to use.. I guess don't sound numb or dazed), but confident and friendly.

Also, got an email a few mins ago from WH's younger brother, who has had his visa accepted to come to the Southern Hempishere on a 1yr working holdiay. It seems he's going to be staying with me and my family!! Which I'm delighted by. It's what we always planned. And I look like the one who'll be picking him up from the airport. He's giving me his unconditional support so I am not going to turn it down to spite my WH. WH's whole family thinks what he is going is very wrong, and call me regularly to see how I am doing.

I do wonder what my WH will think when we are having big family dinners without him? Makes me sad to think of it. But have to remember: this is his choice, his choice, his choice!

Questions still unresolved are:
What I do about our joint finances? Do I need to set up my own bank acc into which my salary goes..the salary that dries up a few months into maternity leave, btw! (L should help with this)

What do I do about our apartment - rent it out to save myself some money, or go back and live in it? (L might set me straight on some issues around this also). Couch seemed to think it would be more attractive to WH if I was not bunking in at my folks.

What do I do about WH stuff filling up my parent's garage (has been the case since we moved o/seas 3 yrs ago)

In summary:
Will separating finances push us closer to a divorce?
Will moving his stuff out push us closer to divorce?
Will living with my folks push us closer to divorce?

Question,
I kinda said this to WH last time we spoke (after he said he hopes we can be 'best friends' for life), but probably in a garbled manner, and wondering if I should repeat it in an email if WH contacts me again sometime soon. It's word for word what Puppy Dog Tails told his wife (just came across it in another thread & thought it was perfect):
"If our marriage ends this way, by you having an affair, cutting and running, and refusing marriage counseling, then I have no intention of being your friend, less your best friend".
I think it applies to my sitch.
I could wait till he emails me next time.
Or I could reply to an email he sent one week ago which I never replied to at the time (it was a simple email about a friend's father dying and how he was sorry one of my colleagues was giving me a hard time at work, with him wishing me a good weekend at the end).
Thinking that might be a bit lame though... unsure of my motivations.

Thoughts?

NO!!! It makes sense why you are living with your folks! Even if he was overseas on business you would do it, right?

_________________________

I think you could wait until he emails you again- it is more authentic and you could add the bit about needing space from him right now due to the pain and emotionality this is causing you. It is better for the baby.

Thanks newmama,

Looking over my notes, I see clearly now that the DB Coach meant for me to keep the "WE own the separation" bit to myself. Lucky you picked up on it otherwise I may have run with it in a conversation or email with WH!

You've also made me calmer about the bank accounts, the apartment, and his boxes in my folks' garage (no pressure from them - just wondered if it was symbolically important like the bank accounts to say "I'm getting on with my life and your crap is in my way.." kinda thing - which will be kinda true if I move back in with my folks for the next 6months or so). When i mentioned getting his stuff out of there a few weeks ago, he said "why would you want me to do that? It will only cost US money if I have to pay for storage".

Off the L in a few hrs. Will report back!

Back from the lawyers.. boy, information overload. Need to digest. Can share though that in terms of visitation rights with a newborn, as the mum and primary caregiver of the child, WH will have to fit in with my needs and that of the baby. There are no minimum or maximin visitation hours prescribed by law.

Got home and found WH had sent an email to tell me he had no luck finding work interstate that he's really going to go all out to try here. He says he's really starting to feel the pressure of being jobless now.

I think he's reaching out. He aslo said "I'm thinking of you and the baby and I hope you are ok". I do feel sorry for him, being quite lonesome in this country now.

Hoping "fantasy" fog is lifting...

I wish my next DB coaching session was tomorrow.. I know I meant to reply all upbeat and friendly and how I get it that we're over and I'm so glad to be moving on, but I really want to tell him 'look at what you got yourself into you silly fool - maybe this'll help you wake up'.

But that wouldn't be the line of loving detachment would it?

I wonder what Puppy Dog Tails would do in this situation.He'd take a more hardline tough love approach?

Newmama, what do you reckon? You're a wise one!!