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greek - you are like Mr. Miagi aren't you? Wise with what you say not spoon feeding answers for others, but giving tools of thought....i appriciate the fact that you challange me to think on my own and chose for myself.

one of the reasons i write "questions" on here is to help me put them in black and white before my own eyes not jsut in my head, many times i find i know the answer by reading what i wrote.

right now - to answer rough spots that i am sure will rear their ugly heads from time to time, i will be like Greek and ask - is it best for Gman's goals?

my goals - Kids, Family and R with W (in that order - which i think is fair at this point)

I had to look that one up! I thought you might have misspelled Mr. Magoo...

Anyway - I'm not nearly as wise as I am well-taught by Coach, who gives the 'goals' speech quite regularly around here. It's great advice.

Cheers ~
Greek

gman, I would think that you can contact whoever you would like to. You are not the one who betrayed the marriage.

And since when is your w in any position to be demanding anything of you??

Who the f does she think she is? Did she listen to any of YOUR concerns while she was banging the married om? Un-f'ing believable!!

I may have missed it, but did you get any STD tests?

kimmie you are right, she never listened to my concerns and acted like a teenager in heat(right Allan!) - guess i am the more mature one in the wake of this nightmare.

I may have forgotten to mention earlier when i gave some boundries i also told her that she is to go have STD tests done (she asked why...lol really, i wonder) but has agreed to it.

I forwarded the article Allan A gave me about the house and the marraige - that and here reading DR has her talking.

however i am not going to spoon fed her anymore - told her that the library has the book "not just friends" and she needs to go get it....i will not bring anymore to you, time for you to work.

OK, I will tell her she is both right and wrong.

Every expert on infidelity I have read makes this point :

The infidelity must be addressed to both heal and bring closure to a painful event in your marital history.

To sidestep or sweep the affair under the rug hasn't proven constructive according to case studies.

It's painful but it must be talked about to get PAST it.

That's YOUR argument.

Hers is fair too.. she does NOT want to be beaten over the head with this for the rest of her life. She wants to know she will be forgiven and given trust and respect in her marriage.

THAT is fair in the long term.

The GRADUAL lessening of inquiry and exploration into the affair will happen, MWD points this out as well.. the questions will get less as time goes on.. but in the wake of discovery and for the short term afterwards, there will be a LOT of sensitive areas and being CLOSE and OPEN about talking is how you get through that and both reconnect and heal.

I realise your wife is embarassed and hurt, but again, this was her choice.

If your child was caught stealing something and you wanted to discuss it afterwards during their grounding week would you entertain them suggesting just bypassing it entirely because it is upsetting to THEM?

Sorry, but your wife is in the dog house right now and she will be for a while. that's part of the rite of passage here and the gauntlet she has to run.

If she is objecting to the affair being talked about by the two of you or the OMW who is hurting - forgive me - a LOT more than you are gman - this is a multiple offence for her to deal with and she IS having to divorce - then your wife need to get in line.

Between OMW, you, and your wife, your wife is dealing with the least.

just a short while ago she wasn't even sure if she wanted you, but now she wants you to just not discuss her escaping that and the damage that was done?

I would assure her that it will be a thing of the past, but right now its a large part of your present. If she doens't like this she's gonna GROAN over every page turn of Not Just Friends.. Ic an't wait for that to happen.

I would make sure your wife understands the topic is open not to torment her, but to heal and provide closure.

I certailny wouldn't begrudge OMW from calling YOU.. it was your WIFE that slept with her HUSBAND.. think about that.. your WIFE helped violate OMW's marriage and now your WIFE doens't want you talkign to this poor woman?

SOrry, but I am not sympathetic. I would keep that channel open as long as OMW needs it open... and your WIFE should be suporting that as a gracious act of apology, not campaigning to sweep it under the rug.

This woman's marriage is ending partly becuase of your wife.. I don't think its fair for your wife to insist that OMW not be allowed to call... its downright rude to be honest.

I would reassure your wife that this will be the past, but right now its your present and you will not IGNORE it.

You could ask your wife what in particular about the contact you have with OMW is distressing so you can address that in particular. Is your wife worried you may end up cheating on HER now?

My guess is its just your wife's guilt surfacing and each call is a reminder of that..

Well, sorry, but she will jsut have to suck it up. This is what we call growing up.

If you hurt someone, you OWN that, you don't tell them "don't call, I don't want to hear from you"

Your wife in my opinion should be calling OMW and apologizing in whatever way she can... not trying to block OMW's calls.

excellent observation....sometimes it is hard for me to connect my feelings with the right words...this is what i am feeling and need to tell her

yeah i think she isn't going to be buring through those pages too quickly, eh?



yeah i see that happening in my lifetime, although i might suggest it.

I just want to add that be sure to be cautious with OMW...I mean have a plan to stop being in touch with her at some point...it's just that I could see her being so angry with your W (understandably so!) that she could do some weird stuff.


I don't have clear examples. Just trying to advise OMW doesn't get too dependent on you or clingy or stalkerish. Do you get what I am saying at all? Again, it is just a gut feeling that I can't express into words exactly. Proceed with caution.

Wow. I don't believe this.

The other victim is being demonized?

NO Kimmie Lee! I did not mean it that way! I am just saying that once Gman decides to reconcile with his W, there needs to be an end AT SOME POINT to the relationship with OMW! And this is just my opinion not based on anything she has done! Of course she deserves some kind of support and help. BUt don't you see a possibility for some kind of weirdness after awhile? Just based on a couple of sitches where I read the OP's spouse befriended the betrayed spouse and some strange things happened!I will not bring it up again.

Oh, ok. I do see what you mean.