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YEs yes and yes!!!! I totally love those ideas! My H isn't giving me anything emotionally either so I've been doing similar. I took myself out to a play the other night - didn't tell H, didn't ask him to watch S, just hired a bbsitter and went. It felt wonderful! I love the idea of writing yourself a card too - do it! I think I"ll join you~ internal validation is what we need right now when we're trying to let go of H's process, not "fix" them, and focus on taking care of our own emotional needs. I want a check in on what you've done for yourself this week!

Fantastic get back to GAL perhaps it will also show H it's time to get on and do not sit down and mope!

Totally understand how you feel with financially feeling the pinch you can't got too mad but it's little things, H jumped up early monday and said come on let's start the week of well we will go out and have mc'd breakie, well that was only about £8 but it was cheery nice and fun! Maybe think of a few things you could do like that with H! You are still being sensible but a little spontaneos, one of the things my H complained about manoteny (sp)! (())

I just read your idea of getting your self something like flowers, great idea. I know guys don't always do those little things. When ex and I were married sometimes I would send him a goody bag that had his favorite snacks in it and had the store deliver it. Just something to let him know that you are thinkinga bout him too. just a thought.

kat

I've always bought myself flowers, even pre-BF. I love how they cheer me up. It's nice when BF does it but I certainly can't count on it. I would do what you're doing, stew about how he's not making any effort. Then I would remind myself that if I want something done I'd just better do it myself.

Never give up your own GAL activities! Yes, in piecing you have to make room for the other person and work on a shared life. But that doesn't mean you should give up yourself completely. That's what got us here in the first place! Always find time for yourself.

Thanks for the encouragement my friends.

Haven't done any of those things for myself yet... kinda too broke at the moment but I will. Have been going for walks pretty regularly with CB's encouragement.

Today I am working very hard at not getting taken down to the bottom of the roller coaster ...yet AGAIN... by H's moods. But, because I have made a decision not to let this happen, I seem to be doing better with it. H was very down last night, talking about how he hates his life, blah blah blah. I am trying to keep validating and listening but sheesh.... I am losing patience. There is a lot of good in our life. How long do I need to keep listening and validating all this negativity! This was AFTER his IC appt, which he didn't want to talk about. She has made a referral for him to do EMDR too with another therapist. I hope that will help.

In the meantime, I keep wondering if H can't find a way to get emotionally well whether it will be healthy for me in the long term to stay in this M. It is so exhausting and draining.

Then, I visited a couple of friends in the "surviving the big D" forum and read the pain there... and think "I should be grateful I am in piecing. I don't want my kids to go through this."

So, back to my daily routine of trying to focus on positives, trying to be "mindful", trying to be grateful... but, in the end feeling stuck and sad and ripped off.

*sigh* then... feeling guilty that I should be more grateful.

I'm tired of the roller coaster.

I hear ya sister. And drop the guilt. Or feel it a while and move on. You're human and learning new things. It must be hell watching him wallow when you feel you've waited so long for some postives. I remember "Passionate Marriage" - the book Kalni was talking about for a while - has a huge list of self soothing ideas and another on how to stand detached so that you don't get enmeshed with your partner. I highly recommend them - I copied them and keep them with me when I get emotional (like last night!). He calls it "holding onto yourself".

One "self soothing technique" that really hit me - because it's so simple and obvious, but true - is: "Don't expect your partner to 'be there' for you." Well we are all masters of that after what we've been through, but it still applies in R! SEems counter intuitive, but hey, that's what we're working on, right?

(())

PM should have a different tittle, I think people think it is about having sex or something similar, the truth is, this book, IMO, is very realistic and harsh and tells you how to get rid off many perceptions that dont serve any good but only set you up for many disapointments. I think it is what keeps me sane through this pieRRRRcing phase...

Thanks Hope and Kalni,
Can't afford any more new books at this point, but that one has now moved to the top of my "when I can afford it" list. I looked at it in the bookstore and it seems really good.

Self soothing. Yes. That is what I need to do today. Not doing so well today. I will try that.

WEll I got mine at the local library!

Check out the site. I checked out councelling with him. It was thousands of $ for 12 hours, and I mean Thousands!!