Going to dinner tonight. FIL is 75 today and it looks like it will be FIL, GF, W and me. I have no problem with going since FIL is the one who invited me. Even though I'm Dark I don't think that it is wrong to go but let me know if I'm wrong. I was also planning on paying and I bought him a card (something the W would have done and would have had me sign in the past). Possibly have to leave early for rehearsal so tht will prevent a potential awkard goodbye with the W (Just "Goodbye!" and no physical contact).
Let me know if I'm making any mistakes,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Had a nice dinner. I arrived first followed by W and we talked a little while we waited for FIL and GF to arrive. She said that their always wanting to go out for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner is breaking her (glad I got my credit cards back right before they got here! ). They are also driving her crazy so I think having me at dinner was a welcome change because she had a buffer. We decided what we wanted and I ordered for the whole table (not what I would usually do so maybe it was a 180 for me). I told W that I would pay for dinner and I think that was a relief to her. After I paid she reached over and squeezed my arm and thanked me. I felt like a knight who rescued his damsel in distress. I hope she felt that way too. I had given FIL his birthday card and he passed it around for everyone to read. I had to leave before everyone else so I got up and went and gave FIL a hug and said "GoodBye" to everyone and left. No physical contact with W.
Home now after rehearsal and W's car is out front because they all went to a movie together. Not sure if W will come in when they get home. Probably not but that is ok.
That's all for now,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
I'm not sure if you are going to be able to give me any insight on this but I have to ask.
When we had the BD dinner with FIL, GF, W and me my W was dressed somewhat provocatively in boots (which she knows are my favorites) and a short skirt. Was she trying to test me/torment me? Is she dressing this way so she can feel better about herself and possibly attrack other men? Is she acting like a teenager? I know that you can't read her mind but it just struck me as odd and made me have all of these questions.
In the past I would usually make a comment about the boots or about how good/sexy she looked but last night I did a 180 and said nothing. Do you think that this would have a positive affect or not? Would she be hurt that I didn't even acknowledge the trouble she went to to look good? It certainly wasn't an outfit I had seen her wear before although there were not any new pieces of clothing that made up the outfit.
Later that night she commented on the shirt I was wearing. She mentioned that it was our son's and that I could now wear it and said that it looked good and what did I weigh now. I told her that I was about 174 (30 pounds lower than 6 months ago) but I again I didn't say anything back about how she looked. I thanked her for the complement and later said goodbye at the door with no physical contact. She thanked me again for paying for dinner and then left.
Any thoughts on my questions above?
Thanks,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
... my W was dressed somewhat provocatively in boots (which she knows are my favorites) and a short skirt. Was she trying to test me/torment me? Is she dressing this way so she can feel better about herself and possibly attrack other men? Is she acting like a teenager? I know that you can't read her mind but it just struck me as odd and made me have all of these questions.
- Was she trying to test me/torment me? Maybe - Is she dressing this way so she can feel better about herself? Yeah, probably - and possibly attract other men? Maybe, yeah probably
Yes you can't read her mind, I can't either. We can only offer opinions.
When you dress nicely, you probably dress for yourself, you might get some attention and feedback because of it but in the end you want to look good not just for yourself but also it makes you feel good around other people when you look good.
If your wife is dressing nicely or "provocatively" as you put it, there may be a ton of reasons for it. She wants to look good, she feels good when she looks good, maybe she enjoys the attention that she gets when she looks good, we all feel good about ourselves when other people notice that we look good and acknowledge. If you wife has had affairs (PA's or EA's or both) then it's possible she really enjoys the attention of other men, it boosts her self-esteem, if she has self-esteem problems to begin with, she may be addicted to this type of attention, external validation, etc.
Either way, you can't do anything about it and trying to consider each possible scenario will make you go crazy, I'm 100% sure of that. Your brain is working over time, I can tell, you must be exhausted on some days. Give yourself a break bro, you've earned it, you're allowed.
She thanked me again for paying for dinner and then left.Any thoughts on my questions above?
Didn't you guys reach a financial settlement, doesn't she have a fair chunk of change in her bank account because of you (or is that someone else's thread?), if so, why are you paying for her meal? She's an adult, you can let her pay for your meal, I know it feels uncomfortable to do that but look what it's saying about you, you are still trying to pay for her, prove your value to her - is she doing that with you? When you are always constantly trying to prove your value & worth to someone it always accomplishes the opposite, it's counter-intuitive, it actually says I'm not worth, I have no value. She's a big girl, I'm sure she can handle it.
No contact with W since Tuesday night after FIL BD dinner. Will see her tonight for youngest D BD dinner. Mediator sent the papers off to the court today.
Had a good talk with FIL and his GF about W since they have been spending a lot of time with her. They say that she definitely doesn't have a PMA and I believe she is always expecting other people to make her happy instead of her being in charge of her own happiness. They said that she doesn't say much. She just listens and if the subject matter gets uncomfortable she wants to change the subject or she expresses her opinion and then wants to change the subject. She doesn't talk about our sitch though which doesn't surprise me because she doesn't talk about it with anyone.
I really wish she would go to IC. That is what I pray for.
That's all for now,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
BD dinner over with. 7 people total including me, W, FIL, GF, D19, D20 and friend. Overall a nice time. I just don't understand how W can seem like her same old self but not be. It's like I want to see signs that she is Alien W or in a fog but it must be just in her mind. She seems like the same person I've been with for the past 24 years.
Walking back to cars in the parking structure she realized she needed to go to the second floor so I just started walking away and she had me stop so that she could give me a hug and then we both headed to our respective homes. I know that she thinks everything is fine between us and she wants to be friends but I'm going back to being dark and I don't even think she notices or cares at this point. I think she loves the peace and quiet (or that is what she wants me to believe but who knows).
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
I just don't understand how W can seem like her same old self but not be. It's like I want to see signs that she is Alien W or in a fog but it must be just in her mind. She seems like the same person I've been with for the past 24 years.
I assume you are refering to this particular evening. She will appear to be "herself" occassionally and for short periods of time, but she is still messed up. The way she dressed.....that's a good indication. Her wanting to hug you before you left.....that's her way of saying, "It's going to be okay, now you run along and let me have my life and you just survive, but now I want you to be on the sideline being my friend in case I need anything".
I'm glad you come here to express your feelings of frustration. I want to remind you once in a while that you are robbing yourself from "peace" by trying to figure her out. You have to put it down in the book of Crazy WAW Syndrome and don't try to analyze it or it will drive you nuts.
As far as her having peace & quite, I doubt her mind is anything but that. If you are refering to you being dark, it hasn't been enough time and besides, she is still seeing you, so you can't really call that"dark".
Press forward with making yourself happy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
). They are also driving her crazy so I think having me at dinner was a welcome change because she had a buffer. We decided what we wanted and I ordered for the whole table (not what I would usually do so maybe it was a 180 for me). I told W that I would pay for dinner and I think that was a relief to her. After I paid she reached over and squeezed my arm and thanked me. I felt like a knight who rescued his damsel in distress. I hope she felt that way too. I had given FIL his birthday card and he passed it around for everyone to read. I had to leave before everyone else so I got up and went and gave FIL a hug and said "GoodBye" to everyone and left. No physical contact with W.