Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

Hi Flowmom,
putting my life on hold while home with my new baby is why this is ok with me...why I am not in a rush. I think what would I be doing differently if I were divorced? Nothing. So why not stay married and do the DB techniques?

I know I will be okay either way. I am choosing this path.

I will not be in an unhappy marriage just because I have a child-not fair to me or the child. I will see if we can work through this if we R but if we can't work through this I will divorce him.

My inner core is fine. I don't need to go to IC right now, but did for about 3 months in the beginning. My inner core knows that I have the right to stop hoping, to file for divorce at any time. To declare NC.

I listened to my inner core when I decided to talk to WH about my feelings. I have zero regrets and am glad I did it.

When I was referring to the multiple marriages in my family, the point is EVERY ONE said "looking back, I know we could have worked through those struggles." Yeah no one cheated on them.

Hey on one hand it is a relief to see proof that there is life after divorce.

And started being the better option but now I don't need to- my self improvements are here to stay, I am the better option, now I am just doing old fashioned stall tactics while GAL.

I think I will be my BITCH self which means you have your career, your own interests, your own set of friends, and are not hanging on his every word. So I have all of the above now.
I am set.

Last night- headed down to my girlfriend's place and we drank some beer, talked and I stayed the night. This morning we played Super Mario--she showed me some tricks that I will be able to use to move through the levels quicker! It was sooo fun! What is funny is that her 4 year old son loves to watch her play so he will beg her to do it which "motivates" her to play! haha. I am eager to get on it soon- maybe take a break from my thread,lol!

And then today WH dropped off S, told me to wait to go to Costco until he gives me a gift card, and left. I was in a hurry to feed S and take him to my G-ma's for her birthday.

Just got back from G-ma's and am getting ready to lay low for the night with S...

probably will crash early since I stayed up late last night!
Oh and my gf showed me how to straighten my hair a little better with the flatiron.

Thanks Mila- I think I better stop being defensive now though!

NM--
The reason I don't post on my own thread is that I'm doing quite a bit of DB phone coaching these days and she advised me not to solicit external advice right now since I'm in such a tenuous spot with my hubby - and I think her advice is a good thing. (YAY, JODY!) BUT - I totally hear ya on learning from family tradition that divorce (you know, the legal stuff) doesn't solve anything! AND - I think you've observed some truly positive changes in your interactions with your DH/WH lately.

I know this is speculation, but maybe DH is stressed b/c he's anticipating changes to a situation he now likes and so he's acting in such a way as to come out ahead of the curve, so to speak. I mean, if you were really done with each other then it would be your problem (and yours alone) to figure out how to change the schedule once you went back to work. Like, he wouldn't have to be the one to bring it up...

I'm not suggesting anything. Just saying that when someone is showing concern about the future, let them do that (as you have!). And when you're ok in your own situation, don't talk yourself - or let anyone talk you!!!!!! - out of it.

I'm still pulling for you guys and I think you have a much better chance to see this through than most of us (because of YOUR unwavering resolve and constancy to purpose!). You go girl!

Sincerely,
Mrs. A :-)

P.S. Another reason I'm not posting my own sitch is that I'm surely not making any friends on here - hahaha!

P.P.S. DH must be something really special. Mine is too!!!!!

My sister made me start using a flatiron . I've always been naive about how much work gorgeous women put into being gorgeous. I'll never be gorgeous, but goshdarnit my hair is flat today .

I appreciate your replies. I want you to know that I don't feel sorry for you...you have more PMA and zest for life than most "happily" married people who I know.

NM, you are a smart lady.

you are absolutely right to make your choice to fight or flee.

I do NOT believe your H is evil. if your H had been awful from the day you met, then, yes, you are being naive, but I do not believe this to be the case.



imho, this is wrong. yes, he is not being a good husband, he has left her and has been very selfish, but he has been a good father outside of that.

he has been going to see him everyday almost, something I have never seen on these boards or even people I know. Now, I am not saying he is being a good person or making good choices, because he is not, but people have A's because they were hurt and needs were not being met, and they were tempted and deceived. This is only a symptom, and NM, you get to decide how much patience to give of yourself, and I hope that you give a lot.

You are not being walked on IMHO. If this scenario continues and there is no progress, then things need to change, but as far as I knew, you started some different things and noticed more activity with him in regards to his texting and staying later. These are the things you want. You can't just let it happen for a few weeks and quit. Things take time, and because you are not in the same house and do not have a lot of contact things will take longer.

Has this new improvement been going on for 2 months? if not, then I think you should continue on the path you are on. Changes take time, not just one day or a week or even 2.

Cake eating? perhaps, but most the time it is fear and confusion. fear of losing both people (selfish? yes) and confusion on what do they really want, which then feeds even more into the fear.

This is not about giving people what they deserve. This is about going thru the worst experience of your life and being humbled in a way you never imagined.

BUT, what I can tell you, is that if you humble yourself, if you go thru this fire, and if you learn as I learned, you have a great chance in saving a M that will last a lifetime and a M that is GOOD! an M that is better than it ever was before.

I know, I have that. I also have been the betrayer as well as the betrayed.

and as a christian...God hates divorce. and I fully believe that God can save your M, if you trust him to do so. I don't know your religion, but it was very important in my sitch.

Now that you have released that pressure and had that convo (which IMHO, I wouldn't normally agree to do, but in this case I feel it was ok, no pleading, but just honest sharing of your feelings) you need to start having fun and showing it to H. Be excited about going to places and look hot when you go! Be at home sometimes to have fun so he can taste what his life SHOULD be, but most the time go out and do fun things, not just grocery shop. Let him think you are getting a life and enjoying it, and be elusive, not sneaky, but mysterious and slightly flirty.

just MHO.

this is your sitch and your choices. if something doesn't work...quit doing it.

Newmama, I am still here. The bitterness of some of the people going through divorce does not make me forget that the subject here is love. This is the Divorce Busting board, and I will still try to help people rekindle love, if that is what they want. They say that love is a state of temporary insanity. And I think that is true. So if "sane" people who are not in love can't understand the actions of someone who is in love, that is not surprising.

Hey NM!!

LoL on the flat-ironing!!! You are so cute.

Hope all is well.

Great post ST.

Okey dokey-am chillin w/ S! Well today I had a burst of energy to run my errands and take care of the house.
I did think of Saint's suggestion to show my fun side so when WH arrived, S was sleeping so first we made chit chat in the kitchen and then I told him that I wanted to show him the Mario game.

I played a little and reiterated that my friend had almost beat every level and who would have thought she would ever play video games but we have had a lot of fun playing together.

Well WH read the paper and then S woke up. I got going and went grocery shopping etc.
(for your information, Saint, grocery shopping CAN be GAL when you want to do something w/out your baby, LOL! just teasing! But it is my Sunday tradition and is a necessary thing)

When I came back I asked for help unloading the car. Not only did he unload the car but he organized the garage fridge with pop and beer that I had in the fridge but still in the packaging!

I decided to be myself (imagine that!) and shared a couple of things that happened when I was out. He laughed.

I also asked him to let me know where to find the special lightbulbs in "my" bathroom so I could replace them. Well I went to work out and watched "500 Days of Summer" while I burned 500 calories in 48 minutes!

When I was done, I headed up to take a shower and WH informed me that he ordered the lightbulbs online and was holding one of them, following me upstairs. He said he would just put it back so moisture from the shower doesn't get into the socket (he's so anal retentive!) I said "oh- yikes it's messy in there!" (not the bathroom- just my bedroom w/ laundry to be put away and make-up/hair stuff all on the counter. I felt a little like he invaded my privacy even though he was doing me a favor!

So I managed to be authentically busy and myself at the same time. No D talk came up and I wouldn't expect R talk to come up!