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Hey sage,

Just stopping by to say hi...you sound great still, that's cool

Could probably use you back on my thread at some point if you get the urge - could use the balance, as the testosterone levels are getting pretty high over there...

Have a great weekend.

Hud

Just a quick update...not sure if I just made a DB error...oh, well, wait and see.

h and I were coming back from the gym. h is having a study group today and instead of going into school they're meeting at the library in the town where ff lives. I started spinning in my head about that...maybe it was just gonna be the 2 of them and it reminded me of WAY back when h drove ow home from some party or something...it was MILES out of his way and far more convenient for someone else to do it...this was before their EA officially started I think. I remembered the humiliation I felt when one of the wives said to me "hmmm..what's up with h driving her home...so far out of his way...".

Anyway, I torqued myself up (you might be impressed with the speed in which I can do this as we live about 1 minute from the gym) and I asked h "is that town convenient for ff#2 also?" -- I was testing him...trying to manipulate him into telling me that ff#2 was or wasn't going to be there.

I realized instantly what I was doing (unfortunately not before). Then, after about 10 minutes of being home I went to h...

s: can I tell you something and you won't get made (lame.)
h: no response
s: when I just asked you that question I think I was trying to see if you would tell me whether ff#2 was going to be there. I was testing you. It was like when I used to be cagey and manipulative with my questions. I'm really sorry about that.
h: it's ok (gives me a hug). ILY.
s: I want you to know this isn't about me having a problem with ff#1 and ff#2 -- it't just sometimes there's this teeny piece of me that gets worried.
h: I know. I'm not at all interested in ff#1 or #2 (this is where I think I have missed communicating)
s: I know that.

So....not sure this was the greatest convo known to man.

I'm trying to let h know that it isn't about ff#1 or #2 -- what it's about is my insecurities around honest conversation with h and probably his too and the stuff that we both have or haven't done to foster it.

IOW, if my goal is "h and I will communicate more honestly" -- did this get me closer or further away? I was more honest about what had happened but does that honesty get fed into his brain as "s. has an issue with ff#1 and ff#2 and I must not talk about them?"

That would be the opposite of my goal.

This area is really a big stumbling block for me. As Michele or JJ would say "what would it LOOK like if your goal were met?" Maybe that's the best place for me to start.

Also...note to self that my manipulative behavior was a byproduct of at least two things:
my runaway thinking and my feelings over the last few days that h was sort of distinterested in me.

Tackling both of those might be better than trying to come at it after the fact.

Postives:
met h for drinks and dinner. we had a lot of philosophical convos.

h bought me a surprise present...a set of delicious smelling candles for "us" (romance!)

h read to me from a book last night.

Sage

just another thought...I'm wondering if this wouldn't have worked better if I had approached it with humor a la ellie and her h -- something like "I just did something that your first w. would have done..."

one more thing...part of me is frustrated because I feel like I'm monitoring myself all the time..I wish that I felt more confident that h will let me know if he's not happy with something I've done or am doing....maybe it's enough that I've improved my listening skills so I'd see it way before the I want a D discussion?

Sage

I'm in high anxiety mode right now and I'm not handling it well. I was out doing errands and when I came home h was already home. I came into the house pepped up and enthusiastic. He was in the computer room with the door shut (to keep out the cats). I knocked, waited for him to say come in. He had his homework up on the screen. I asked what he was doing...he said homework. Then I noticed on the task bar that hotmail was also open in "compose" -- you know, when you're writing an email.

My heart just closed down. I don't know why. Well...I guess I do...

h has barely responded to any of my emails this week and it's been bugging me.

if you're sending an email...not doing homework...why not just say "I'm sending email".

Because for whatever reason, you don't think you can tell your w what you're really doing.

I pulled away and started going downstairs. I could tell that h was confused.

This crap (mine I suppose) isn't helping anything.

I don't want to have some giant r. talk.
I don't want to feel like he's lying to me.
I don't want to talk about it because no matter what I'm gonna end up feeling like a jerk.

Sage

Gee, did we get in the same boat today?

{{{{Sage}}}}

Aw that sucks, Sage!

Yet notice how you're not jumping to the WORST possible conclusion...(at least you didn't post them)

Here's MY sense of it...and of course I could very well be way off.

H IS more aware now of your insecurities about his female school chums. He doesn't know QUITE what to do about it.

So he's e-mailing her about the assignment (that's ASSuming it even WAS one of his ff classmates!!) when you come in.

In a panic he switches to the work...he IS actually working too. He knows this screen will be less likely to provoke worries/questions etc.

Sage...CJ has a real issue with me getting over-involved with certain students who have problems (eating disorders most of the time). I let myself get WAAAY too involved with one young lady and he was very resentful of the time I spent with or e-mailing her. Although he said not a thing at the time.

So THIS year, there's another student who I've kept at more of a "proffessor/student" level, I've NO intention of diving in so deep I endanger my own mental health again, nor my marriage.

Still, this student HAS shared things with me, HAS e-mailed me...and just the other day I was e-mailing her back when CJ walked up to the room. I SWITCHED the screen!!
It was an impulse...I just didn't want to hear again how I needed to "be a professor" and nothing else.

I felt a bit guilty, still do.

Not sure if this helps any, but I think some similar mechanism might have been at play for your H there.

Shiny

Morning Sage

Not sure if this will help you with the ff thing or not but it helped me out a lot.

During H and I's convo about OW this week I inquired if it made him uneasy to talk about OW. H said he hadn't really thought about it one way or the other...it was over with and he wasn't losing any sleep over it. I told him that it was easier for me to talk about it openly and straightforward...that treating it like a big secret or something that needed to be hidden and kept quiet tended to cause my brain to go into hyper-drive and I'd end up dwelling on it too much. H said he had no problem with that as long as I was comfortable with it.

Tonight H told me that he appreciated that I did not throw the A in his face and kept discussion of it as casual as possible. Do you and CJ talk about his EA openly or is it something that ya'all kind of just circle around most of the time for fear of upsetting each other? Would it be easier (as it was for me) for you to set aside the vestiges of fear you still experience if you COULD talk about it openly without worry of recrimination? If you think so then you might ask CJ how he feels about it...the worse that could happen is he would say it makes him uncomfortable, right?

I have the same problem with the comp and H as you do I walk upstairs and he always closes down stuff or pops another screen up. I have to admit that I am guilty of doing the same thing at times . Usually I just point blank ask him WHY? H says it's mostly just habit (xw use to give him hell about comp) but he is trying to do better (which he is!) I have explained to him in the past that since he tells me he has nothing to hide that the action of closing something down when I come up contradicts his statement which in turn leads me to want to snoop. It is an area that we are working on

Try not to beat yourself up to bad about experiencing the sudden anxiety You have been doing everything RIGHT oh Wise One...try looking at it as a learning thing---you just figured out what one of your "triggers" are

Hugz
Zoo

DOH!!

Sorry Sage...I kept seeing Shiny's name since I replied after her post and kept typing CJ when I meant your H When I realized what I had done I tried to edit it but it wouldn't let me


Zoo

SAge,

I just wanted to pop in here and say that I am GUILTY of 'screen hiding'....my H hates this puter. He knows that during our first recon attempt I was visiting an Infidelity BB that kept me so wound up that there was never any 'peace' in this house. I started on him daily in some whiny, accusatory way about everything...needless to say that helped move him back OUT three months later.
So now...if he comes in the room while I'm on OUR BB here, I quickly close the window and he can tell I'm obviously 'hiding' something. AND as innocent as it is, I'm just afraid that if he sees me in HERE he'll think my current 'moods' etc are a result of that.

So your H could be doing something COMPLETELY innocent but feels he needs the 'privacy' to do it.
T2

Good Morning Sage,

Sending you lots of positive thoughts for your start to the work week!

Have a great day!!!!!!!!