Sage, Reading your last posts I realized that I have been feeling a bit the same ....almost a this is too good to be true sense...waiting for the other shoe to drop or something. It's not a surface feeling, but rather one that lies just below my other feelings...and it is of my own making. I agree that this indicates a need to focus on self love...what do I need to do for myself to feel happy, content, and secure? Bottom line for me, it's an inside job.
It sounds like you are doing wonderful things for your R and your H....do some more wonderful things just for you!
You mentioned being fearful of offering editing comments to H, but he asked for your help! Instead of being fearful of sitch, what else could you do? One way to address this is to compliment something about his paper, then slide in a constructive suggestion or two for change, then compliment something else about paper. It's an old teacher trick called the compliment sandwich!
Hope some of that was useful! If it was, use it...if it wasn't disregard it! That's the great thing about the BB...you just take what you need and leave the rest!
"Jeaninne -- if you're reading..I'm SO happy to see you back!"
Thanks Sage. I never really left, just lurking whenever possible and occasionally posting. I've gotten way behind on most everybody's threads and don't see any chance in catching up, but you're all dear to me and never far from my thoughts.
" maybe it'll help to get it out there in cyberspace?"
I'm working up to it. I think I'm in "gathering in" mode as well as feeling the need to let the waters lie undisturbed.
I'm so very happy to see the wonderful progress you have been making in your situation. You certainly have earned your way there.
Quote: It also came to me that this "undercurrent of sadness" could just be part of the human condition??? Some of us are "wired" to be generally more happy than others...Sorry, but it's true.
Of course what we DO with our lives and our thoughts can make a difference, but why this insane push to be "happy" all the time???
shiny...yah, I think it's clear that my disposition tends towards the pensive, the moderate...not the bouncing off the walls blissful! But, DB'ing (and h) have helped me to lighten my mood load somewhat...a bigger appreciation for the little things, more gratitude, etc. Still, though, there IS residual sadness for lots of things...some of it from still healing, from the complexities of life...some of it external...the sad things that happen to others, etc.
I **think** (ASSumption) that part of h's concern is that HE is responsible for my sadness/unhappiness. OR, that I will BLOW. He's said before that I seem like a time bomb at times. What's a bummer to me is that I feel as though I've really worked that out over the last 6+ months. Maybe it just takes more time.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I agree that this indicates a need to focus on self love...what do I need to do for myself to feel happy, content, and secure? Bottom line for me, it's an inside job.
AG -- yes...it's still so much about healing myself...figuring out how to be peaceful in this wide world!
A work in progress, Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
as much support as you have given me over the last few months, i feel just horrible that i couldn't be here in your time of need to exercise those ghosts with you this weekend
i am so happy that you focused on yourself saturday despite it being a reminder of uglier things
thank you for all your kind help with my sitch over my roughest spot so far
there is a sense of calm i have now that i have truly made a decision to stand for my marriage, i know there will be bumps along the way, but i am ok
Had a great weekend with h. He had the Guard so we couldn't spend the days together but we made the most of our time! Movie and a dinner Sat. night, lots of relaxation last night. It's wonderful to be with him.
My Saturday AM of pampering was FUN Had a massage and a manicure and pedicure. I didn't do the shopping I thought I would do...just seemed more relaxing to come home and nest.
A kind of strange thing happened after my massage. The masseuse came out to talk with me. She asked me if I had any questions. I said "No" (I was too relaxed!). She asked again Finally I said "Is there something that you want to talk with me about?". She hesitated and said "well, I know you said that you carry most of your stress in your neck. Well, I can feel a tightness in your whole body. And, it doesn't really feel like stress to me...it feels like guardedness...as though you are trying to protect something by closing off your body. I don't know...I could just feel a very self-protective tension in you...and it seems as though it might be keeping you from feeling really free."
I asked her what she suggested...she said so much of what I'm doing already...(eat right, exercise, meditation,etc).
My strong sense right now is that I need to let things be, let myself be, just relax. I think that trying to FIX this isn't going to be helpful. I think I need to just continue connecting with h...by doing the things that make us feel good and close...and just see if I can open myself up a bit every day. I'm still feeling afraid of being hurt but I think that's ok for now.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
You know it is strange that is very much the way I would have described you if I had written it down. Like a protective wall, so as not to get hurt. Not that you don't come across as a very caring person. You do come across as very caring! Just protective of your inner self also. I am probably not making any sense.
I think, also a serious minded person. I can't see you bouncing off the ceiling estatic.
I think about my bb friends a lot and the differences in temperament and reactions to things.
Hmm..why can I be more insightful of people I have never met than I can be of David?
Last edited by psluke; 11/03/0301:48 PM.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pretty interesting insight from your massuese, huh?
I carry most of my tension in my shoulders...I THINK!!!
Quote: I think it's clear that my disposition tends towards the pensive, the moderate...not the bouncing off the walls blissful! But, DB'ing (and h) have helped me to lighten my mood load somewhat...a bigger appreciation for the little things, more gratitude, etc. Still, though, there IS residual sadness for lots of things...some of it from still healing, from the complexities of life...some of it external...the sad things that happen to others, etc.
Yep, I hear you on all counts...when I first embarked upon cognitive therapy for my anxiety (self administered) one of the assignments was to choose an issue that worried me and write out all the thoughts associated with it.
I actually sat there and CRIED...there was SO much negativity!!! ...I KNEW I was anxious, but I hadn't realized it had virtually taken me over.
Of course the rest of the assignment is to "reality test" my worst case scenarios (eg. what is the ACTUAL probability that XY or Z will happen?) and turn the proverbial "What if???" question right around into "SO WHAT if??
I'm curious about this residual sadness...Would you describe yourself as an especially sensitive/empathetic person?
I know that for the short time I practised therapy I was VERY drawn into the problems of my clients...to an unhealthy degree for me.
Then in about the last 3 weeks (before I ended up hospitalized for the first of my intestinal surgeries ) I found myself becoming more detached. It's what HAS to happen if people are to survive in such a profession.
You just CAN'T take it all home with you...Sometimes a little denial and guarding your own spirit are in order.
Quote: I **think** (ASSumption) that part of h's concern is that HE is responsible for my sadness/unhappiness. OR, that I will BLOW. He's said before that I seem like a time bomb at times. What's a bummer to me is that I feel as though I've really worked that out over the last 6+ months. Maybe it just takes more time.
I see SO MUCH growth in YOU Sage, we ALL do
Don't even think of doubting these changes.
When was the last time your H mentioned the "time bomb" analogy? Just curious you don't give off that sense here...perhaps it's residual "ASSumptions" on HIS part?
...might it take your H a bit longer for them to really sink in...for old assumptions to fade away? Perhaps...But I have this gut feeling that you two are farther along than you realize!!
Quote: My strong sense right now is that I need to let things be, let myself be, just relax. I think that trying to FIX this isn't going to be helpful. I think I need to just continue connecting with h...by doing the things that make us feel good and close...and just see if I can open myself up a bit every day. I'm still feeling afraid of being hurt but I think that's ok for now.
Sage
Sage,
I think you just gave yourself some of that awesome advice and guidance you've been giving everyone else.
From what I can see, you're doing a great job. I'm kind of sensing that you're feeling a little worn down right now. I'd say take a few days for yourself.
Finally I said "Is there something that you want to talk with me about?". She hesitated and said "well, I know you said that you carry most of your stress in your neck. Well, I can feel a tightness in your whole body. And, it doesn't really feel like stress to me...it feels like guardedness...as though you are trying to protect something by closing off your body. I don't know...I could just feel a very self-protective tension in you...and it seems as though it might be keeping you from feeling really free." 
