Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy setting boundaries when not clear if A is over

I think Pup would say "there's nothing to reply to"- no question that needs a response.

I wouldnt reply until tonight if at all.

PUP- dont mean to put words in your mouth...lol

Piano- I feel for you, you're doing a great job. I too gave WAW the no friend if it ends this way...just like you, I MEAN EVERY WORD.

Glad to see you went to L...good idea on the separate accounts as well.

Keep being the best mom you can be and as for the stuff in your parents garage...I like the storage idea and billing WH...or having it moved to one of his friends place...

(HUGS)

Piano, are you relieved to hear about the custody rights from the L?

I agree with Maynard- nothing to respond to. Especially if you are doing N.C.

Oh wait- Did you ever email him what you posted here about how it is too hard to see him while he is doing this?
This could be a way to say that now. However youcould also wait and then send it separately. BUt I wouldn't be sympathetic to his sitch.

When the baby is born, you will see what he is willing to do for your baby and you. I hope he ends the A when the baby is born/ wants to come back like I have read happen to many others in your sitch (it is possible)but you are so smart to prepare for the worst!

Yeah, it's tough being jobless. But don't you think it's toughER to be abandoned when you are pregnant? I may defend my WH in regard to his attentiveness to our S and he has been financially responsible but he still left me when I was pregnant-there is no defending that action. I am sure he justifies it by saying I forced him to leave! (LOL)

Now, if you don't feel like responding or saying anything at all to his email, then Let me put it this way- if you don't respond, it is not going to push him to D.

Piano, a lot of people here, including me, will say that WAH HAS to hit rock bottom before the fog will start to lift and he'll start to see what poor choices he has made.

It sounds as if that might be starting to happen, but now's not the time to be feeling all sorry for him.

He needs to earn it.

jasper67, you're right. no reponse required as there was no question. just wondering whether or not to use the opportunity to communicate a few things, then do NC again.

jasper67, you're right. no reponse required as there was no question. just wondering whether or not to use the opportunity to communicate a few things I've been wanting to communicate...and to put some of my DB coachs' recommdendations to work...



Agree 100%.

Yes, I am happy to have the clarificaiton. Of course he has 50-50 rights, but a court would first look at my needs which are essentially intertwined with bub in first few years. in my country the emphasis is very much on parents coming up with a plan themselves, and leaving the law out of it (unless one party has a greievance of course)

I agree with Maynard- nothing to respond to. Especially if you are doing N.C.


No I haven't, which is why this might be the time...





For sure. Must always remember that! Not hard !!


[/quote] ha ha! you know me well...

Piano, I bet you a nickel that your H will be contacting you again in the next few days! So what are you going to tell him on email?

I mean I get that you have to communicate a few things and then say "leave me alone" (in a tactful way of course).

YOU have a job, right?

Starting to feel a bit low... And I haven't cried in a week... why does that feel like a worry?

I think my mounting angst is due to not replying to the email. Ignoring him is sending a very strong message.

IF, however, I chose to respond, I see 2 routes..

1.Little Bo Peep- attractive, upbeat, friendly (a 180 for me).
2.Ghandi-like – confident, detached, boundary setting (more justified, in my opinion, but might be seen as persuing).

Here’s the email I would LOVE to send. I’ve totally plagiarised a letter from Puppy posted elsewhere on the DB site, and made it fit my own story. I perhaps should just save this for journaling, but I'm risking going public with my feelings...

Dear -
I am sorry your trip didn't turn out as you hoped, but how you earn a quid is your business.

You wanted a formal separation, and now you have it. What you decide to do, is up to you. I get that you are done with our marriage. You‘ve made it clear we have no future. The only future we now have is our joint investment in this child.

I think you know that in 4 weeks time, I will be on half-pay maternity leave & won't be able to make the mortgage repayments on our apartment on my salary alone.

I would like you to let me how you are going to help cover the mortgage and meet the baby costs. I have decided that eating into our family savings is not the right way - it's neither wise nor sustainable.

You say it's not important to go into the process of how our marriage came to this, but I know you have legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction in our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you should know I am working on my issues, and I hope that in time you will learn to trust that I am making changes that are for real. But I am doing them for me, not for you.

I have requested we have marriage counselling to try to save our marriage. I think we will both regret it someday if we don't do everything we can to try. But I'm not a fool, and I need to be clear with you. I cannot respect your decision to cut-and-run like this, and I damned sure can't respect your decision to have involved, and keep involving, a 3rd person in our marriage. If our marriage ends this way, by you having committed adultery, cutting and running, and refusing marriage counselling, and leaving me to deal with this pregnancy and the raising of our child alone, then I have no intention of being your friend, much less best friends.

You need to know that I will not share you with another person, nor continue to finance us with my salary under the current circumstances.

Whatever is going on with the OW, it needs to stop, but I realize that I cannot control you and I have no desire to. Just know that I will not open to any amicable future until such time that you've REALLY worked on our marriage with me, and to be clear - without the involvement of a third person. If you refuse to end that, then I will have no choice but to continuing protecting myself as much as I possibly can. I do love you, but I won't be made a fool.

The baby and I are need to be removed from the emotional turmoil we are placed in today. Therefore I have decided that if you need to contact me in an emergency, do so via ...., otherwise I wish our contact about finances to be via email, until such time that baby is born.
Take care
-"

GEE THAT FEELS GOOD TO GET OFF MY CHEST!!!!

But I feel kinda 'blurk' too.... It’s very hard to ask a WAS (who tells you it’s none of your business if he’s with the OW!!) for anything.....

Tell me NOT to send it.

Don't Send It.

not sending.... :-)