Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Section in the SSM that is freaking me out

There is a passage in the SSM decribing a woman who starved her husband to the point that her higher-need spouse lost all interest in *her* and filed for divorce. My husband now says he knows it's over because he has lost his 15-year attraction for me and wants out. Please someone tell me this doesn't mean it's too late! I actually had to tear that page out of the book because it was causing me so much distress.

I don't think you are going to like what you will hear in this forum.

I have been in a marriage for over 38 years to a woman I love dearly. It is an SSM. There are many others within this forum who are even more sex starved than I was/am. Most are struggling to feel loved and retain their marriages.

I came to the conclusion last August that I was decieving myself, because each day, each year, for the past 30 years I have told myself that once my wife get more free time, she will invest some of it in the sexual part of our relationship. She has promised this to me over the past 30 years. She was too busy, too tired, in too much pain, etc. I finally realized that it would never happen on its own. I "toughed it out" and "hung in there" through two children growing up, through her parents needing care and ultimately dying, through her mourning the loss of her partents, through her mourning out two children leaving home and starting their own lives as adults, through her getting a graduate degree. There was never any time from her perspective to build and focus on our marriage. I started to say to myself, that if I can just wait until she retires, that she will do the things she has promised me for the last 40+years and spend the time with me that I need. I realized that I would die, before that would happen. That was not a pretty moment. The sexual rejection by my wife got too frequent and too personal. Marriage just hurt. I needed to stop the pain and hurt.

Even though I was sex started, I stopped having sex with my wife. That lasted for over five months until she realized that we were headed for divorce very soon. During that time, I learned a lot and worked hard at changing myself and figuring out how to make my wife "feel loved" even is she wasn't making me "feel loved." I felt that I owed her at least that much and that I should try to save our marriage. In the process I learned that I was a big part of the problem in the way that I had been treating her. That she had felt that I had not given her what she needed and had withdrawn from me as a way of protecting her emotions. I also learned to forgive her and put aside the years of pain and suffering on my part.

We have been with a sex therapist who has gotten us back to having sex again, but I am still unsure if I will divorce my wife or not. She is making huge progress in her ability to understand my needs, but she still is unable to provide me with what I need freely.

I will never decieve myself again into falsely thinking that our relationship will provide for my basic needs. She now has to make our marriage (all aspects of it) a priority, or I will divorce her and find someone who can provide me with what I need. I have told her this and she now believes it and is scared. She doesn't know if she can change or not. I have told her that I will support her if she wants to change, but I will not try to change her, that is totally up to her; as is if our marriage will continue past this year. I have also shared with her my deadline for changing my life, which includes gaining sexual happiness. I am working as fast as I can to change those things in my life that I have control over to become truly happy as a complete man.

I will always love my wife, who is the mother our two wonderful children. But if she can not find the time in her busy life to love me in a way that makes me feel loved, I will no longer decieve myself into thinking that such an arrangement is a healthy marriage.

I understand you pain and fear.......but I also feel your husbands pain and suffering more. The book SSM has much good advice in it for both the LD and HD partner. You are lucky he has shared his feelings with you as you still have a chance to salvage your marriage. I wish you and your husband good luck in saving your marriage, but it will take a husband/wife team to make it better.

I am 100% open to change. I have made (and broken) promises before, but I never had a real understanding of how important it was, and now I do. I'm just terrified it's too late if he no longer even has any desire.

It may be too late or it may not be too late. That is totally something that will be figured out in the mind of your husband.

Since you say that you are open to change, what you can do is figure out how to educate yourself and change yourself so that you will be attractive to your husband or the next man in your life, if it really is too late.

You need to get a life and be the best person and possible mate you can be. If you want to try to save your marriage, there are lots of books, forums on this website. Rather than tearing out pages of SSM, read it carefully and see if you can't do some of the things that she advise the LD partner to do in an SSM. Maybe post a few psges on your refrigerator. If you feel that your husband is about to move out of the house or file for divorse there are other fourms on this website devoted to those issues.

The point is, if you want the marriage, you need to change, convince him that you have changed and that you will be a fun person for him to live the rest of his life with.

So, what is it that you have done to change yourself now that you understand how imporant sex was/is to your husband? Getting up the courage to post on this website is a great first step!

What are your next steps?

Have you discussed the book SSM (which you obviously have) with your husband yet? Have you told him that you love him and want to make the marriage survive and flourish again?

Have you researched any sex counselors and suggested that you and your husband go to one? Have you investigated any marriage enounter type weekend events that the two of you could go to and suggested any to your husband? Have you recently tried to seduce your husband or done something dramatically sexual to change his image of you?

Your posts indicate anger and fear but don't provide any clues as to action. I suggest you transform your fear into positive actions. Don't be a victim. Even if it might be too late, don't you want to at least take some action to try to save your marriage?

I wish you and your husband luck.

Yes, we have signed up for counseling. I have read and given him a copy of this book. He has rejected any physical advances from me, though, saying it is too painful for him.

Is your counselor a general marriage counselor or a sex therapist? What advice has your conselor given you and your husband in how to interact with each other? I would expect that they would have you do some joint exercises to bring you closer together and gain shared experiences and do something to change your lifestyles.

Since you used the word "we" when you talked about counseling, you and your husband are probably still talking to each other. That is very positive compared to some in other forums on this website. There are people who would love to be in your situation, as they have spouses who have abandoned them for other women or filed for divorce and moved out. You might explore some of those other forums as well, so you can see just how lucky you really are compared to others.

If you don't have a sex therapist, you might ask your counselor which sex therapist they would recommend that "you" see and if your husband should join you. Sometimes sexual problems are just sexual problems and sometimes they are the symptoms of serious relationship problems. You might want to find out the route-causes of your husbands dissatisfaction and your lower libido-not providing him the love that he needs.

Keep in mind that both of you need to save the marriage and that your husband also bears some of the blame for your relationship getting to where it is. Only you should never tell him that.

Based on what you have said I don't think it is too late, but I can really relate to what your husband is telling you about physical interactions being just too painful and just carrying too much historic baggage. It takes a lot of trust to make yourself vulnerable to the sexual rejection of another person after you have been hurt by them. I would advise you to make saving your marriage your number 2 priority in life, and getting a life as your number one priority (which will help in saving your marriage). You want to be the hottest, most interesting woman that your husband has ever known, someone he wants to be with and wants to bed, which is why you want to get in shape, loose weight, gain muscle, and take up fun hobbies.

Another couple of books you might want to read (after you re-read SSM) are Chapman's the 5 Lanaguages of Love and Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight.

Good luck. It's probably not too late if you have a good counselor and you focus on things.

1st counseling session on Thursday. He has no hope but he hasn't left yet. I am making my way to Thursday with the helpof better living through Chemistry. Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses. I have ven told him that I understand how difficult it would be for him to make himself vulnerable again. I get it. I know we have shared responsibility, but I'm in a place where I would do anything and he's not there. It hurts. Thanks also for the book recs.

It's not necessarily too late. I'm the high-libido husband in an long-term SSM, and I am no longer "attracted" to my wife specifically, even though I can clearly see that she is physically attractive. As I see it in my case, it's largely a simple matter of conditioning, or trained response. If you like ice cream and someone gives you an electric shock every time you taste it, you will eventually dislike it. At first, you will avoid it because you know you're going to get the electric shock. But eventually, after enough negative reinforcement, you actually lose your interest in that particular kind of ice cream. Whenever you see that particular ice cream in that particular setting, your mouth no longer waters. And eventually, you learn that ice cream elsewhere could still taste good, it's just that particular ice cream associated with the electric shock that you don't like.

How could my wife and I turn this situation around? It's clear in my mind that she would have to be sexually positive and encouraging, for a long time, and do so CONSISTENTLY, so that I could develop positive sexual feelings toward her again. It's emotional retraining, not intellectual knowledge. If she magically and suddenly became sexually positive, I know I'd feel negative and suspicious about what is going on, and I would be expecting sexual rejection to resume any time again. It would take weeks, or maybe months, of consistent positive physical intimacy with virtually no rejection before I'd emotionally "believe" it was real.

Of course, there are all kinds of higher-level issues involved here about love, honesty, etc. I'm only addressing a few gut-level, but very important, mechanisms here -- basic negative feelings of fear of rejection vs. positive feelings of sexual acceptance, etc.

I think consistency is very important in retraining at this level. Even after some positive experiences, even a single rejection can cause backsliding and bring back all the old feelings. You're fighting baggage you didn't have when you first met, at which point you could probably say "no" and take a raincheck once in a while without any consequences.

Anyway, that's my view of it, and your mileage may vary.

I appreciate that. I'm trying rght now to show affection without being smothering or needy. That's the balance I'm struggling with. He's sleeping with guest room, so I've asked if I could just lay with him there for a few minutes in the morning before we get up. he says yes but doesn't seem to like it. Any hugs or other affection also feel forced on him. I'm hoping our counselor can help us identify some baby steps that over time will start to rebuild that trust. And that I have that time.

Yes, you have to not make him feel "broken" or "wrong" or "inadequate" for not showing you affection, love, or sexual interest back. Which is why it is important for you to be confident and self-grounded and independent to some degree, and I would think some of the therapy is to help you with that.

A sense of humor, consistently positive reinforcement, and letting go of past injustices are all important. Not always easy to do.