Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The EA bomb dropped by misdirected text

Is it possible for you to have a friend come stay with you for a few days or a family member come visit or you go there sometime in the next hard few weeks to make it easier on yourself?

Hi, softheart just read your whole thread im 40 and been tooing and throwing with this since last july when i found about o/w from a text my then 18 yr D found on his phone, he came back 31st decemeber things were ok for a few wks then i felt as though he was lying and hiding things from me again, read my thread to get the ins and outs, i asked him to leave again today as i felt like i was walking on egg shells of course hes not seeing her and im obsessed with her yeah right. My hearts breaking too been together 25 yrs on the 3oth march 2010 so could do with some moral support maybe we can help and support each other along with the other great people on here. GOD i hate this MLC why does it seem to affect us when their the ones having it ???? love xxxxxxx

Thanks all!

I am doing my bets to get through this. As I said, family is all over the country and friends have their own marriages and lives to deal with. I have not had ONE visitor (other than him 3 times) since he left on Feb 5. It's been bad.

The project requires both of our talents in order to accomplish (I thought that it was the beginning of an awesome new phase in our lives together!)...so it has to be on hold - or possibly forgotten...

Miracles...I feel your pain! As you can see, my WAS recently mistakenly revealed an text-affair EA...but that ended abruptly after it was discovered and lasted only 2 weeks (with no contact other than text). But he is truly GONE and completely convinced (in the fog of MLC) that it is over and non-negotiable. I've been reading your posts, but I'll check out your thread to catch up on your full story. You are lucky to have the company of kids around...I have only crying cats, searching through the house and looking out windows for their 'Pop' to come home...
I agree - MLC is a nasty, nasty thing. We would have been celebrating the 13th anniversary of our first date this May...who knows what's next?!

SH

Hi softheart yes i agree i am lucky to have kids S21 and D now 19 but hurt so much for them too, he not only hurt me but hurt the kids too his explaination for them is their not babies anymore and will get over it???? my daughter was a daddys girl she found the text by mistake and boy did he let her have it, hes since appologised but its so hard to comprehend that he can put a stranger before his own flesh and blood i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up and realise all this was a nightmare but unfortunately its not and i know i after detach again in order to regain my sanity. I dont know about you but reading on here seems to help me loads and sort of puts the mlc in to some sort of perspective and that im not alone.
Are you sure hes still not in contact with o/w or another woman for that matter dont want to hurt you anymore but it could explain why hes doing what hes doing and saying what hes saying it justifys things in their head??? love xxxxxx

...I keep waiting for him to 'wake up' and say to himself "what the **** am I doing?! we had a great love and a great life together. she's my best friend." All of his talk about feeling ashamed and guilty, all of his talk about how he loved our life, all of his talk about feeling worse when he left then he did when he was here (he even said that he was asking 'what am I doing?' to himself!), all of his talk about being unsure that it is over and 'not wanting to make the biggest mistake of his life'...and now he is SO SURE that it is over and seeking my reassurance that I believe him.

It's just too unreal!

And I know that I need to detach, GAL and focus on myself (and I am!)...but these thoughts plague me...so I guess that I get an F in detaching.

At least I've got the next 3 weeks of NC ahead to try to let go to the best of my ability and continue to do my part to dismantle the house-that-was-once-a-home (our first home! our little dream house!) in preparation for putting it on the market. These activities, though, only make the hurt stronger - having to let go of the things that surrounded us, things from MY family legacy because I could never cram them into a future tiny apartment. Today it's my books (as a scholar this is painful!), tomorrow it's food from the pantry to a food bank, next week (or as soon as I can find someone to help me load a rented truck!) it's the antiques...and on and on.

This is the most devastating part of acting 'as if' - because it's not an act...it's real!

SH

SH - Is there no way around having to sell your house? If your H is he** bent on a D then let him do the work.

Your H is still trying to outrun the pain and he thinks that a D will do it for him. When you validate him it doesn't mean you agree with what he is doing. Him trying to get your reassurance I think is a sign that he is still confused about it. If he is so sure that a D is the right thing to do why would he even care how you feel about it?

Let him know that the D is HIS decision, but you don't agree with it and that you're sorry he feels that way.

Protect yourself if it goes that far.

(((Hugs)))

Thanks SA!

There is no way that I could qualify for a mortgage alone...so, that's really not an option ...too many memories here anyway... I just hate to let everything we worked so hard for go...

Oh, I have no intention of doing anything regarding a D - it's all on him. I also think he really doesn't know - even though he says he's sure. The reassurance that I believe him is so that he can be sure that I will not to try to 'pull' him or persuade him to reconcile and work together to restore the M.

I have let him know that I am sorry that he feels the way he feels and that I don't agree. But, to protect myself, I asked him to stop contacting me until the end of the month (not sure if he'll be able to do it...). We were in constant contact every day when we were together - to the point where he continued the calls for days after he left, to tell me how HE was feeling (argh!).

At least I loaded the books into the car (lots of boxes) - and didn't need a man's help to do it! Dropping them off this morning...So much more to do! At least have a a massage today afterward

SH

You're doing the right thing. You are two separate people with two separate minds. You can say "I can see how you would feel that way" and hear and validate that his emotions exist, but he can never (and should never try) to force you to agree or believe that divorce was 100 percent necessary and that working on marriage and solving your individual and relationship problems was not also a viable solution. You are two separate individuals and entitled to two separate opinions. You never have to help shore up the notion that there is only one correct path. Not your job, not your belief.

Thanks rr22!

He has a long way to go on the MLC roller coaster ride! Despite the agreement to NC for the duration of the month, he texted me today...I did not respond.

And, clearly (after last weekends texting debacle!), H is seeking to find someone to attach to ASAP, instead of working on his childhood abuse issues and/or restoring our union...Still, I inexplicably (almost irrationally at this point!) feel the strong conviction that he is coming back (don’t know why?!?) and I feel strongly committed to the vows that we took. So the work is up to him (particularly the D work...since I simply do not agree!). There’s also just too much to be done to get the house ready and pack-up, sell off, and all of that for me to do it alone!

It’s incredibly overwhelming! At least I got the books out...and tomorrow the fridge cleaning & food purge; Saturday, the closet purge (and maybe even the attic too).

SH

Oh! And I got the DR book today (finally! had a hard time finding it), along with another 'Getting Back Together' by Youngs & Goetz...

Not sure if they're futile at this point, given his surety and conviction, but at least it will give me something to do during the endless hours of alone-time in my under-employed state...

SH