Saint (hope you don't mind my nickname)thanks for the reassurance and validation to keep doing what works.
Again, my goal is not to end the A because I personally have no power to do that.
HE is the only one who can do that. Just like we have no power to make someone pass a driver's test even though we can sign them up for the test or "enjoy their job" even though we can give them a job.
From my experience giving him ultimatums 2x and both times failing (first time he lied, second time he chose her) I see that you can't make someone do soemthing they don't want to.
My goal is to pull him toward me but I do need to repost those DB goals I had earlier!
S was born in July so we separated when I was about 7 months pregnant I think.
As for not giving an ultimatum in May, what about going NC in May? Or should I just keep on keep on-- you see I can totally see myself keeping on but getting more and more busy, especially since I get to move back into my classroom in July.
Something that does concern me is the longer we are not married, the more disconnected we will be, right? Part of me feels we will be able to get back into our groove (chemistry wise- we are pretty darn compatible, the idiot!) but of course have colossal damage to repair from this whole mess!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks Blownaway, chime in any time! My concern about WH NOT living in our house is that if he is away, I will have a harder time checking up on him to see if he is being transparent. Also, I am 99.9% sure that OW will pop back up and pursue him, or follow him or do other stuff (stalker...) so if he is with me, then that will help to reduce the "access" to him. Does that make sense?
We have a spare bedroom. I posted a looong list of things to work through if we R. So I completely see being able to do that while he is living here.
To me, completing that list and being committed to it is "earning it!" Do you see my view point?
Oh and I am not naive about the fact that just because he says it's over means it's over, since he told me that back in Jan 09 and they were still communicating.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I am proud of myself because WH just sent me some long texts about S and checking in on him. I DID ASK WH if he was feeling better (it is my style). But he replied and then I SAID "Sounds like you are healing quickly! OK see you tomorrow!" meaning I ended our text conversation first! He replied and said "you guys have a good night!"
You need to understand that because he has been pretty verbose with his texts, it's like someone waving a freshly baked chocolate chunk brownie under your nose...so it is very challenging for me to resist replying with a bunch of details and encouraging the exchange of communication! So saying goodbye first was a big deal for me!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
thank you flowmom! so how do I make one for my previous thread?
url=http://tinyurl.com/yzegw2g]previous[/url]
add "[" at the beginning
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Saint (hope you don't mind my nickname)it's funi you say that...I forgot that st stands for saint! but it was an abreviation for Still Trying which used to be my name. thanks though for the compliment. thanks for the reassurance and validation to keep doing what works.
HE is the only one who can do that. Just like we have no power to make someone pass a driver's test even though we can sign them up for the test or "enjoy their job" even though we can give them a job. perhaps no power, but a whole lot of influence
From my experience giving him ultimatums 2x and both times failing (first time he lied, second time he chose her) I see that you can't make someone do soemthing they don't want to. glad you have learned this. It is better to allow someone the ability to CHOOSE the right decision than to force the right decision on them where they can end up feeling regret or feel curious about if they should have "disobeyed" this is why I mention my H still had contact with OW even after he came back (he stopped for 2 months but she started it again) but I asked him-in a very non threatening and open way-what he felt was appropriate and guess what he said? NO CONTACT! and when your dealing with men, you CANNOT tell them what to do. you have to creatively get them to think it themselves. and that's what I did, and it didn't happen right away, it took a few months but we have a GREAT M now and I don't regret anything I did.
My goal is to pull him toward me but I do need to repost those DB goals I had earlier! awesome!
S was born in July so we separated when I was about 7 months pregnant I think. I ask because many times I see M's failwhen children become present. not that it is their fault, but as women, we are so compelled to take care of everyone except ourselves that we end up losing our identity, thus allowing the H to believe they don't love us anymore. Now, obviously you did not have kids yet, but I'm wondering, what do you think is different about the times where things were good in your R, and the times it started shifting in the wrong direction. Can you remember when your H started to shut down, or change his behavior in the M? I'm sure you've already talked about this, so I apologize. As for not giving an ultimatum in May, what about going NC in May? Or should I just keep on keep on-- you see I can totally see myself keeping on but getting more and more busy, especially since I get to move back into my classroom in July. if NC meaning no contact...it's been so long since I've looked at the list for abbrev. I probably wouldn't be for that. I do think though that you should definitely make a goal, a date, and May is fine, to step back and look at your progress and then go from there. don't be just set on doing a certain thing. Just let things flow from here and when the time comes, evaluate your progress then.
Something that does concern me is the longer we are not married, the more disconnected we will be, right? Part of me feels we will be able to get back into our groove (chemistry wise- we are pretty darn compatible, the idiot!) but of course have colossal damage to repair from this whole mess!
this can be a factor, but also look at it this way, it will be as though you'll be dating again for the first time. the emotions and passions that can arise are tremendous. I remember when we ML the first time again and it was crazy, probably the best time ever, but before we got to that point, it was truly like we were dating all over again, it was really weird, but not a bad weird. don't worry about all those things, you just worry about taking care of yourself, becoming the best newmama that you can be, and start living life and having joy! You want to be a light to him shining out so that he will be drawn to it. you are like a magnet, and the OW is going to become a negative force in his life and you will be the positive one, and he will be drawn to you more and more. It CAN happen, and I believe in your hope, no matter how small it may seem to be.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thank you Saint! I will tell you that the only problems that I can pinpoint that I was responsible for were that I was a workaholic UNTIL the summer(08) when we started spending time with OW and others from WH's work. The very next fall(08), I was working reasonable hours (I am a teacher) and for the rest of my career I will have it under control (except for conferences and report card time).
I did take him for granted by talking too much to my friends on the phone when we were just hanging out after work. He would complain about it from time to time then say "well it is up to you. If you want to, then do it." BUt he was not preventing me from doing it- I really just got caught up in my friend's problems. I learned from my DB friends that it may have bothered WH because just spending time in the same room together makes him happy. I sometimes talked on the phone because he was surfing the net.
The frequency of sex slowed down but it was gradual and then our slowest point was temporary-I think about 6-7 months of 07. Turned out I had an ovarian cyst that was wreaking havoc on my hormones. It was removed Jan 08 and voila! Libido was back!
WH had a work trip with OW and others following my surgery (it was only about 3-4 weeks before we could ML again). It was during this work trip that he got to know OW better. I will always wonder what happened...the minimum that I know is he went to dinner and a movie with her (no one else) due to a delay in their flight! Oh and didn't think to tell me until after he got back!
So March 2009 WH told me that I did nothing wrong, he was confused, he never expected to meet someone like OW, he was more attracted to her than anyone ever, seemed to have forgotten our first couple of years together I guess, ESPECIALLY the first year! lol.
But he said I was great at giving him enough admiration and we got along great. He said he wished I was able to wrestle around more (WTF? I am not into rough housing on the living room floor!) and that I was attractive, he just was not attracted to me anymore and he didn't know why. (I had lost 35 pounds after my surgery, but then got pregnant. But when I was overweight we still had a healthy sex life. I think he lost his attraction because he had started seeing OW-- THAT is why he was not attracted to me!)
I definitely was not the most domestic so I have been working on that over the last 11 months pretty much. I still don't like to clean but I don't like it now when the house is not clean. BETTER YET I LOVE TO COOK NOW! And always will.
Neither of us were good at telling the other when we were unhappy or upset...I think I had the issue of worrying about being rejected by him if I expressed a need (this had nothing to do with HIM- it is my insecurity) and I don't know why he didn't tell me what he needed.
We really are 2 peas in a pod though...I think even if we were to openly disagree, it seriously would be like 1-2x month!He is a listener, I'm a talker, he is introverted, I'm extroverted, so I would start the conversations with new people and would ease him in- I brought him out of his shell he said! He made me feel like I could be myself and taught me how to make a house a home.He felt like "home!" We both like to spend our time the same way, have same political and financial beliefs, same opinions about parenting, similar family backgrounds, same work ethic, we WERE compatible in the bedroom before OW!
And the crazy thing is that even when we were drawing up the divorce papers last March, we both agreed on everything! ARRRGGHH! I really hope he is seeing the difference between his relationship with OW and me by now.
By the way. I am comforted to hear that if we R, it will be like dating again! But haven't you had a tough time dealing with anger and grief during your reconciliation?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
the second part has happened a lot in the last month actually.
WH asks me about my activities/whereabouts (I want him to be curious....)
Yesterday he has asked if I had plans for my birthday, then later asked why I would need a babysitter (during a separate conversation). A couple weeks ago he asked if I had set plans on Thursdays. He asks what S and I did during the day or will remember and follow up with questions. He hasn't asked me what I have done...ever? during our separation! So these few occasions that I listed are pretty good I guess.
WH suggests we cook something together Not yet; he has given unsolicited input on suggestions for ways to prepare something
but I have been excited about these actions that I see and want to make them goals! Can I? :
WH spending longer time at our house (arriving earlier or staying later than before): This has happened a couple of times in the last week, but he has randomly stayed later in the past. Last night was an exceptional amount of time to stay late (30 minutes!)
WH texting me with more details, MORE info than just "How did S sleep?" "Sounds good- you might want to put some Vicks rub on his chest!" "You guys have a good night!"
He has texted a lot more in the last 4 days
WH making efforts to engage me in conversation
Yes, I have seen this in the last couple of weeks
WH increasing acts of service(his love language)
Yes I have seen this in the last couple of weeks
Last edited by newmama; 03/10/1008:34 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
