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I was up at 4:40 because I couldn't sleep...I have a kicking S in bed with me, plus too much to think about.

I hope W will support the grandparent thing because it will be good for D11 and for the person she is with. My sister-in-law works at a nursing home, and they love when she brings in her S because they don't get many visitors. I am sure her grandparent won't be in a nursing home, but they enjoy having young children around either way. If W doesn't help, still do it, yeah it means less you two time, but it won't be much and think of how much it is going to enrich D11's life.

Have a good week!

Finally got the girls to school -- 90 minutes late. Today I'm going to be inundated with calls for an afterschool babysitter. I have an ad in the paper for the next three days. At the start of the year, when we placed an ad, we got 200 responses for a $75 a week job. Times are tough.

Sent W a text saying girls were late to school. She won't see it until later anyway.

Have a lot of time to catch up the week, but I don't have much motivation or maybe I'm just sick.

It's a blah day outside and I feel blah as well. I really should do some work.

Me too. Blah.

Funny, got a weird longing for W today. Could be that I'm starting to think of next weekend -- St. Patty's Day weekend.

I don't remember any good ones with W. I remember a great one with the GF right before W.

I had to come back to the computer and download a sermon to flush it from my brain.

That's the kind of thing that should go away once I find someone new.

Quick call from W asking what we are doing about the afterschool sitter. I told her I had an ad in the paper today and had already gotten a dozen calls.

She said she was so wrapped up in D11's play that she woke up today remembering we have to get a new afterschool sitter.

I told her I'd email the names and numbers to her.

This is, as usual, me fixing things. But in this case it directly involves me. I see the girls get off the bus and if we don't replace our current sitter I'd likely have to stay home with them until we find someone.

She let me know she arranged D7 a special picture with the Narnia lion. Last night D7 missed a chance to get the picture because she was preoccupied with some beanie babies another child had. When she found out she'd missed the photo, she cried and cried.

Side note, I've posted this before, but now that the play is over I'm guessing I'll be seeing some D activity. Each day nothing happens is each day down in the depths of my sould where I can't give up where I think ... maybe.

Must stop that.

This spring cold is kicking my *ss. Weird thought yesterday. I'm back to wondering if "this is the day" I receive W's "wish list" for the divorce.

Which is really stupid, because after the "wish list" it'll be something else, then something else.

It's like I'm the reverse W. She's always searching for the ONE THING that will make her happy. Now I'm searching for the ONE THING that will bring my day down.

I have to remind myself to stay in the moment.

Another strange thought as I was driving home last night. What if W called and said she wanted to work on things? I realized I have no idea how I'd respond. Would I be the old Clinging and immediately start pushing, pushing, pushing? Would I let my bitterness surface and make her grovel?

Of course, that's a conversation I'm unlikely to ever have. Luckily, as sick as I am, I felt good enough to go play basketball. I had no legs but I managed.

I'm paying for it today. I feel worse.

Hello Conscious of Hope..

That sounds more like where you're going. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Yet what are you hoping for.. your wife's wish list? I found that lawyers quoted the traditional breakouts. And if she filed, don't you have to be the one to propose the initial settlement?

Instead of worrying about her wish list, make up your own. Know ahead of time what your legal rights and expectations should be. And what strategies work to make what's lacking happen. Your wife is setting her foundation by having her mom help out. Make sure you cover yourself, too.

It's great that you have such great communication with your kids. Being aware of TMI boundaries is better. Look into books that coach you on what to share. It's not your job to validate their mother's actions or give a percentage on how likely a divorce is to happen. I know one father who told his young children that he loved their mother, and that he wanted her to be happy. Simple, straightforward.

What does work is telling your daughters that you are not going anywhere. That you love them. Reassure them. Let the kids be kids.

Remember, they are not your confidant, they are your daughters. Let them be children, you be the dad.

Who knows what your wife's plan is. But you can make your own instead of waiting her to tell you how high to jump.

*hugs*

I have no idea. I haven't heard anything in two weeks since getting a letter from my L that this "wish list" was supposedly coming.

The last time I met with my L he asked me if I wanted to put a proposal out there and I told him I wasn't emotionally ready. Then he asked if he should propose the four of us in a room together to hammer out an agreement. I told him I wasn't ready for that either.

Well, he said, we could just sit back and wait and let the process play itself out.

That felt better to me. If W wants a divorce it's up to her to push it, at least for now. Maybe I'll wake up this summer and say, I'm done, let's go, and start pushing.

I'm still not there yet.

As far as talking to the girls, yes, I think I have to improve. I've made it clear to them that I don't want to be away from them and this isn't my choice.

Now I have to let that go and make the most of my time with them.

Do a search on the 10 common mistakes a lawyer makes in divorce. Have those covered. Ask him what the most likely outcome is. Being prepared is not pushing the divorce process forward. It's knowing your options.

And a word of advice. I did what you're doing. I simply could not imagine the divorce going through, even though I eventually discovered when he left he immediately moved in with his secret paramour. When he felt I was delaying, he changed lawyers, went for an expensive one and destroyed our financial stability.

For a different perspective, go to the marriage builders site and a site that supports individuals making the choice for divorce. Now what the score is rather than waiting in limbo.

*hugs*

Notice a pattern?