Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The EA bomb dropped by misdirected text

It is beginning to sink in that I won't be hearing from him again for a few weeks, per today's NC agreement...and I certainly won't be contacting him (which I have refrained from doing over the past month of his WAS status, for the most part, except for occasional moments of idiocy!).

The feelings are: relief (not waiting to hear from him and/or getting excited over 'crumbs' of contact), sadness (knowing that he truly believes it's over and is totally disinterested in - even repulsed by - the idea of working on the M in any way), and sheer, utter loneliness (for the best friend with whom I shared so many years and memories)...

I guess that I should focus on the relief part and get moving on doing the things that I need to do to be prepared for selling the house. My goal has been to do 'one thing a day' in this regard. Today, I cleaned out the car in order that we may switch cars at the end of the month (my decision - the car he has was a gift from my Ps & came from their hearts to us...but now, really, ME - so I need to honor that. My first instinct was that he should have it, since he always seemed to opt for the older, used things in our lives..but that does not make sense anymore, since this is about ME now!). Tomorrow I will get a couple more boxes to pack up the last of the books and bring them to the used book store. The next day, I will clean out the fridge and clear food from the pantry that I have no intention of consuming. The next day, I will begin the arduous process of clearing my closet (I've lost 30 pounds on the infamous MLC diet so far, so there's many, many things to be discarded).
...and this list goes on & on...including:
• clean out life
• clean out heart & mind
• clean out negative thoughts and 'magical thinking' about loooove
• clean out the hope & let go of the belief that restoration is possible!

...I'm a mess!

SH

SH - Were you able to pick up a copy of DR yet? You've got a great list started for GALing activities.

I know you feel like you're a mess right now, but I promise it does get better. As you get stabilized you'll find it's easier to step back from the drama the MLCer is famous for.

I just wanted to stop in and wish you a good night.

(((Hugs)))

Hi SA,

I'm deeply appreciative of your checking in! I think it's the 'losing my best friend' that I spent so many years sharing life with and the isolation from regular human contact that weighs on me the most...

I went to the bookstore yesterday and the book wasn't there...so I wandered around the self-help section, picking up a few books (surviving abandonment, radical forgiveness, etc.), when my phone rang and it was one of my IC's (I have two for varying reasons). I broke down during our conversation and had to put the books down and leave the store so I could cry in the car while we were on the phone... TOUGH times!

I'll try to find the book again today after I drop off the many boxes of books that I have packed up for the charity used bookstore.

In addition to losing an enormous amount of weight (who can eat when their whole life and illusions have been shattered?!), my sleep pattern is completely wrecked. Since I started grad school in 2006, I became an early riser in order to get a jump on schoolwork before heading to paid work...but this is ridiculous! I have been waking up at 3 am on most days - long before anyone else is up (not that there are many people who have the patience to talk to me about this he** I am in!). So, I spend time writing in the journal, reading, and meditating...but it's HARD!

I really feel that (though I will miss communicating with him and the irrational hope that it gave me) this time of NC will be very useful and maybe my sleep patter will normalize somehow.

But like I said - it's the loneliness that is getting to me the most - it just gives me too much time for mulling, self-blaming, shame, and sadness.

SH

SH - All those things you mentioned, I'm going through them too.

I've lost about 60 lbs. A good side affect for me! I've always been an early riser, but I agree that my 3:30 to 4:30 rising time is ridiculous. I've been using it as my me time though.

How does your H look through all of this? Mine looks terrible. He looks gray and drawn. He's only 56, but he looks so old. A lot of times there's a vacant look in his eyes that's hard for me to see. His memory is just gone. The depression is so evident in him. I'm sure he thought the ow would take care of that, but gee, she's not doing a very good job. I just wish that he would look inside and deal with what is going on from within,but he hasn't figured out where the pain is coming from yet. I've stepped back from their R. I'm letting them really get to know each other w/o interference from me. Since they're living together I'm giving them nothing to unite them against me. It hurts like he**, but since I have no control over it, let him find out that he didn't have it so bad with me. I can at least hope that it is the conclusion he comes to.

I miss my H so much, but I miss the way he was. I don't know this H. The man that is throwing everything we've worked for away because he's not happy. Well he still isn't. At some point he may realize that he's not fast enough to outrun the pain and he'll deal with it. I know he has to take this journey for himself and deal with his issues. I will stand for my M without standing still. I'm moving forward, but the door is ajar and my heart is open to all possibilities. I hope H will someday realize how not many people have another person that loves them unconditionally. I never thought I had it in me to have someone do this to me and still want things to work out between us and be together. It's one of those lessons I've learned through this.

I'm just trying very hard to let go and let God. It's been a process and learning experience for me. You'll find out things about yourself that just amaze you.

SH, read all you can about MCL. The knowledge is your power. I've come to the understanding that for as much pain as I've been in, my H is in so much more. The worst thing about it for me is that I can not fix this for him. I can only fix me and help my kids through it.

(((SH))) Take care!

Hi SA,

While he was still at home he stopped eating and lost a huge amount of weight. He also neglected his hygiene and continued to do so for the first couple of weeks after he left. The first time he came to visit he was terribly smelly! The last time, though, when he came to do his laundry, he had cleaned up, gotten a haircut, and detailed the car...so he seems to be on the track from belligerent teenaged runaway to confused young man... The vacant look has been with him off and on since this all started last spring. But now that he is 'sure' that it is over, he seems to have lost that look and instead has a more clear, composed demeanor.

I would not say that his memory is gone - he has just twisted it fiercely and rewritten it - denying all of the great, loving, happy times in our years together and painting them over with nothing but negative remembrances. I am relieved that contact has ceased between he and the EA text-love, so that he can concentrate on his own healing and dealing with the pains of the past that he carried forward into our lives together.

Despite my family's frustrations with all of this, I too hope to find the endurance and strength to continue to stand for my M (even if I can't talk to them about it anymore), as he works his way (back and forth!) through the tunnel. Every single one of our friends and family members (at least on my side) are incredulous, having witnessed our M as exemplary, solid, loving, and clearly healthy. NOT anymore!

Letting go and detaching is so hard after so many years of togetherness. But this is what he wants and this is what I NEED right now. Even though NC will be a great challenge, I have not really been calling/texting unless practical reasons dictated since he left (except for the stupid, stupid recent text!).

Since the 'speech' in mid-Jan, I have been doing a ton of reading and researching MLC, WAS, and recovery from betrayal. If there's one thing I can do it's research! I agree that, as the LBS our pain is horrible - but it's NOTHING compared to the emotional and psychological turmoil that the MLC/WAS is going through. That's why whenever friends or family get angry, I ask them to pray and cultivate compassion for him instead, because he is in so much pain.

He knows that I am not angry and he knows that I still want to save the M. In fact, he said that he suspects that I am 'working a program' to manipulate him back and that the changes I am making are not real and are unsustainable - which is why he is adamant that it is over!

I am grateful that we didn't have kids...though we did want them, it just didn't happen for us. Our cats' agony without him is tough enough and hard for me to watch.

Thanks for your support and interaction with lonely and lost me!
SH

((SA)) back at ya!

SH - Do not continue to beat yourself up for the text you sent. We all do things like that. It came from your heart, not your brain. If it made your H think a bit about you and him, I don't think that's a bad thing!

The detaching thing is hard, but if you can get to that place it sure helps.

Put your PMA on girl and go out and shine!

SH said: He knows that I am not angry and he knows that I still want to save the M. In fact, he said that he suspects that I am 'working a program' to manipulate him back and that the changes I am making are not real and are unsustainable - which is why he is adamant that it is over!


Hope4Luv's thread is in piecing. Her H said this same thing at one point. Now they are back in MC and he still occasionally throws in her face that he thinks her changes aren't real or are unsustainable in some way. It's either a fear/trust thing or an excuse thing on the part of the WAS spouse.

My H calls it "smoke and mirrors".. says I'll change back as soon as he steps through the door.... Then he says OW is is soulmate and he never loved me.. MLC script..

Thanks for your input SA, rr22 & DG,

Every little bit of feedback helps to keep me on the DBing path to wholeness. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to hear that this is a common issue. I think that maybe it's because they don't really trust themselves to come through the rigors of MLC and change and they're projecting onto us. In my case, I let him know that I accept his certainty and I am not interested in pushing him in any direction - that he is a grown man capable of making his own decisions. Why would I want to when he seems to so clearly feel he way he feels?

I'm making it through Day 1 of the agreed-upon NC...but feeling sad, nervous, and anxious since I KNOW he's not going to call or text for the next 3 weeks. Since he left not a day had gone by that he didn't called or texted...these were the crumbs that stoked my irrational hope that he would somehow 'wake up' or come to his senses about the great life we shared. Maybe the NC will give him the space he needs to sort through his dealings in the tunnel and get clearer...but each time he says he's been thinking a lot he seems more and more sure that there is no chance and we are truly over, which breaks my heart and burns my soul.

We were into a couple of fun volunteer activities together and had conceived an awesome project that could have been both impacting on a level of social change & economic justice (and also lucrative for us both). He even said that he still wants to work on the project(?!)...but how is that fathomable, really, if he continues insisting that the M is over...when all I long for is restoration & renewal?

As far as 'acting as if' and GALing (in my isolated state): Today, I got in touch with the charity bookstore and made arrangements to bring the ten boxes of books in first thing tomorrow. I did some spiritual reading and journaling, had a nice nap (my sleep-deprived self was thankful!), gave myself a facial and had a bath, and I'm going to a yoga class this evening.

Still, there's this empty space inside of me where his love used to be (melodramatic, I know...but it's true!) and the house-that-used-to-be-a-home feels so empty and lonely without my best friend sharing it.

I'm doing the best I can, but this really, really, really sucks!

SH

We were into a couple of fun volunteer activities together and had conceived an awesome project that could have been both impacting on a level of social change & economic justice (and also lucrative for us both). He even said that he still wants to work on the project(?!)...but how is that fathomable, really, if he continues insisting that the M is over...when all I long for is restoration & renewal?



Start on it without him and don't include him. That way you are moving on. It's not possible for you to work together right now. Or forget about it for now.