This is a quote from one of HB's Sermons. (see below) Really very helpful to us New to all of this. However, raises a question for me...
Like us LBS's learning to detach and in doing so realizing we too are on a Journey to change. In reading below it shows that if we were to hook up with someone else right away this would cause us to 'STOP' our Journey based on feeling like we were wanted the 'way we are right now'....
Is this NOT what happens to our MLC'ers who have A or go to OW/OM? Do they not get the same thing from that OW/OM being interested in them just as they ARE...and their Journey Stops? Maybe I am confused and while they are in this Stage with the OW/OM, it is Replay and during this Stage, there are no changes being made?
HB's Quote "Reconnecting with our H would not end our journey because they are the reason we are on it and changes need to be made to continue on with them. We cannot go back to the way things were, the old M is dead. If we were to hook up with someone else, they would be wanting us for who we are now and we would not feel the need to change/grow and we wouldn't. Thus ending our journey. In fact to find someone right now and hook up with them would validate in our minds that we don't need to make any changes because we are "wanted" by someone just the way we are."
I am not basing my journey on my H's at all. I was just asking a question is all. I am new here and am learning, I am reading all the Sermons today and am learning a great deal.
I think HB is trying to make the point that their are 2 separate journeys going on. One from the MLC'er and 1 for the LBS. Jacks point is that the LBS journey is usually way ahead of the MLC trip. So in the end you will have finished what you are doing way before your spouse. I know when my wife was going through replay so was I(begging, pleading, doing everything wrong) and when she was depressed I needed anti-depressants to relieve my stress/depression. The point becomes what HB is saying is that you need to go though your own stages and lead the MLC'er out of the tunnel. If you were to have an affair/relationship of your own both trips would stop and both of you would not survive the journey.
Also detachment is something that the LBS must learn in order for the MLC"er to be able to complete their journey.
You mean don't start a new topic? Just keep anything pertaining to me and my sitch to the 1st post? Apologies if I mad an error by starting a new topic.
Thank you for your comments aove, very helpful. I am working very hard on detaching.
Questions are always good, and it never hurts to ask them. OP is on the right track; so is Jack 3 Beans.
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Is this NOT what happens to our MLC'ers who have A or go to OW/OM?
No, they are in the stage of Replay when they have gone into the MLC affair. They are NOT looking at ANY of their issues during that time. The Midlife affair is actually a "distraction" from their journey a temporary halting of that same journey....OW/OM is a band aid, a temporary blindness to their pain, and they can ignore it for awhile. This is also regarded as a "running" behavior. Each MLC'er who's within the tunnel that engages in heavy drinking, drug use, or even the Midlife affair is RUNNING from his/her issues. It IS true that while this behavior continues, their journey as it is, is HALTED. If they continue too long, they CAN stick within the tunnel; some for the rest of their lives.
One of the most frustrating things about MLC is that what they do and how they do it is UP TO THEM, not the LBS. THEY are the ones who have to be allowed to come through this part; and if they don't come through, it is no one's fault, but their own.
That is why it is so important to remember their journey is completely separate from your journey, your MLC'er has his own issues to face, just as you have your own.
That is also the reason for detaching and distancing..you can do NOTHING, but watch and wait for as long as YOU choose to; for when he put you on this path, he made it about YOU.
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Do they not get the same thing from that OW/OM being interested in them just as they ARE...and their Journey Stops?
No, they don't get that same thing, remember the band aid, blindness to the pain, etc? Yet their journey for the time while within the MLC affair IS halted until the affair breaks down and finishes.......there are many reasons for OW/OM appearing in this stage; finishing some type of "unfinished" business, trying to recreate a time in their lives that in their minds would have been finished had it not been for LBS "keeping them from it"(NOT TRUE, but true within THEIR minds) Recreating a connection with "mother"; and breaking that connection in a true way; something they were unable to do as young adults. Also, thinking they may have "missed" something; trying to recreate an old connection...I may have missed some other things, but these things came to mind.
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Maybe I am confused and while they are in this Stage with the OW/OM, it is Replay and during this Stage, there are no changes being made?
Not during the affair itself, but when the affair breaks down; a change must come about in order to end the affair, whether in MLC'er or OW/OM It is ONLY as the MLC affair is breaking down, changes can be made; a few issues can be settled, depending upon the reason behind the MLC affair. IF and WHEN they begin the "awakening" process and even if they start realizing what they may be doing to the LBS; they are STILL NOT looking within, so they may NOT see the damage they've done to self just yet..and some of their reasoning is VERY selfish; such as being afraid of "losing" their wife/husband as a result of having the OW/OM..it would be the opposite of what they were feeling, when within the affair.
Yet, the LBS may not know until AFTER it's all said and done, and the LBS may NEVER know exactly WHY the affair came about, the MLC'er would be hard put to explain the deepest feelings they have, only that it would be something they felt they HAD to do.(And yes, I WAS told this by a MLC'er I knew a few years ago) No one can ever truly explain WHY the MLC affair happens; it just does, an opportunity is there, within the MLC'er there are childlike feelings of wanting to be accepted, a friendship that goes too far, and it just happens...the REAL reasons may lie within the MLC'er, and go to his/her grave with them. It is a selfish act, and the MLC'er DOES reap what he/she sows; whether they end up losing their wife/husband, respect of family, respect of peers...the damage is deep; and nothing can ever bring back that time of innocence ever again.
I found that there were other things I would NEVER understand about this, and in time, let them go.
One thing to remember, the MLC affair(and MLC as a whole) has NOTHING to do with the LBS, nothing at all...that problem is within the MLC'er..and only they are responsible for their actions, NOT the LBS.
***added note*** I will say this: 8 years or so, ago, I did ALOT of research, as the research WAS part of my journey through this. And it is the SAME for others; to get information was to understand, and that helped me to help others so I could heal myself.
I cared enough to try and help people understand MLC, and I cared enough to write all these things down, AS I EXPERIENCED THEM. I watched others go through, and wrote from that experience as well.
I have read many, many articles, even visited an OW/OM board at one point and stayed for a time(though I never joined) for learning purposes. I gained a deep working insight of how OW/OM works, and the feelings, and the thoughts, and the fights and the problems of each. Strangely, enough, the similarities to MLC'ers were and are astonishing; and I filed it away for future reference, as I continued to drain every resource I could find on all the problems within a MLC, including the MLC affair, amongst other things.
Why? A huge part of the reason in the beginning was this: My HUSBAND had had an OW, and I felt like I owed it to myself at that time to learn as much as I could about those type of people.
I wanted to UNDERSTAND the workings behind, I have a habit of being "inquisitive" and if I don't know something, I will find the answer, one way or another.
That was the intial reason I started the research, but it branched off into other things as well...and I'm glad it did; it helped me to understand so many aspects of my journey, and his journey...in turn helping others to understand the similarities of this journey. BUT NOT TO FIT YOUR SITUATION into it; each person's journey is never the same, there may be similarities, but no one will EVER walk the same path I walked in this.
It was to help people UNDERSTAND, and I'd hoped it was written in such a way that people would be able to.
So, I read, I learned, I absorbed; every waking moment, I spent somewhere learning.
I may not know as much as Snodderly, and I KNOW and always knew, she knows way more than I do, ESPECIALLY in the psychological area of this; she helped ME when I was here and she has ALWAYS had my respect and appreciation, and always will have that. One of the smartest ladies I have ever known in my life, and one of the sweetest. None of you will ever really know how much she cares about each and every one of you. She's here because she wants to be here, and because she cares SO very deeply for the hurts; and has knowledge that only I could even dream about, much less have. Snodderly, if you're reading this, I know you do not wish to be singled out, but I owe you a debt of gratitude for what you were to me when I was here. You meant more to me than you ever knew. I still remember....
The articles I wrote were based on what I'd SEEN myself, OBSERVED, and I interacted with people from ALL walks of life, INCLUDING ones that were within the tunnel that were NOT my husband.
My understanding was deepened when I walked through this SAME fire as I worked my through a Mid Life Transition that was just as hard on me; as the things I'd observed in others. I've HAD the SAME thoughts, faced the SAME temptations, overcame those, healed to become what I am NOW.
Was really shocked, when I discovered that all I had written was TRUE, and it happened to ME.
The only thing I did not do was "run" although I wanted to..I did NOT take a OM, though I WANTED to..that was part of the test of temptation of this.
It was this afternoon that I finally remembered what happened to me when I came out of the stage of Withdrawal; it was not a tantrum, it was DEEP REMORSE, and I expressed that to my husband all the while bawling like a baby.
IF it had NOT been for the Lord being with me throughout, there is not telling what I would have done.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
You will learn the further along you go in this journey that the MLC'er doesn't think the way LBS does. LBS is the stanchion, the pillar of strength that is trying to hold it all together. MLC'er is out in the wild blue yonder, twisting in the wind. Their perceptions are altered for the time they spend in MLC. This is assuming they will come out in the end, changed, and much better than they were.
The MLC'er is trying to "dull" or "get rid of" the pain; the MLC affair, for a period of time may do just that for them..but it's ONLY a temporary fix for the MLC'er.
That is also why a large percentage of marriages born out of affairs do not last. They were started out of deception, and are destined for FAILURE. Even if the MLC'er goes on with his OW and marries her, there's a good chance the "relationship" will fail, or there will be heavy turbulence throughout the rest of their lives.
The Bible is not just blowing smoke when it says we shall reap what we sow, if we sow in corruption, we shall reap in corruption. Everything done comes back whether it's good or bad done, no matter what they do to "justify" their actions...they will get it all back in spades for a season. No one knows how long a "season" is, not even me..only God knows this. I do not say this in arrogance, only in truth.
I did watch my husband sow what he had reaped, and have watched many others go through the reaping; and it is not an easy reaping; it is hard and full of trouble.
I'm gone to get something to eat, and get some rest now.....I'm a truckdriver stopped for the night;..had jumped on, and caught your post. At first, I thought the SAME thing as Jack 3 Beans did, then I read it again, realizing what you were asking.
These are GOOD questions, and don't hesitate to ask more questions if you have them. I asked a great many myself when I was dealing with this; knew I wouldn't get answers unless I asked.
Anyone who'd like to add to the discussion, feel free to do so.
Will check back in.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thank you for taking the time to explain in such great detail. You are truly a blessing to me. You have such knowledge and experience to share with all of us. Thank you for taking so much time to write out all of these Sermons I have read today. I really have learned a lot. Now I just need to implement them into my everyday life, learning to detach is hard for me, but God is giving me the strength to do it with love and compassion.
I misunderstood a lot and I Thank you for explaining it to me so that I could better see it.
I am 'getting it' that its not about me, the LBS... I fear he is a running and will get stuck, or as Snodderly mentioned this just may be a cycle.... and I can agree with that and unfortunately he may never come out of replay... I understand he is looking for another replacement, that euphoria again... I guess you think ( when your the 3rd wife ) but I'll be different, were soul mates, we will never get divorced, I guess everyone thinks that when they say their vows. I just dont believe in divorce, so with him divorcing me this is especially hard for me.
I wonder if the first time he had the affair for 2 months and was in a state of replay ( bicycling like he used to love to do, spending his entire savings on her, etc... and once he came and admitted it, seeing the devastation of what that did to me and the Guilt he felt from it, maybe now knowing there is that OW or NEED for it, he has chosen to just END it by divorcing me instead of doing the same thing again? Who knows. Doesn't really matter, I guess..
I know he is not one to look within, it scares the heck out of him and so he would rather look the other way and run....
I pray and pray and look to God for strength, this is by far the Hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.
The grieving of my marriage dying and my H divorcing me is something that I am working through, I try very hard to now live my days, AS IF he were GONE... (which he is) It's hard to do at times but with everyday it gets a little easier..
I have said it before but for me it's what I live by now.... I would rather the man I am in love with get through this Journey however he needs to and come out finally being healthy and have GOD in his life much more than I would rather him BE MINE and BE BACK..... I love him unconditionally and always will.
I can't thank you enough for all the resources and everything that I have found on this forum, the help I have received, the input etc. I am so new in this and am taking baby steps, but everyday I learn something new.
Thank you all for your love and support. I don't feel so alone anymore.
I misunderstood a lot and I Thank you for explaining it to me so that I could better see it.
Don't worry about that, people reach understanding at different levels; and I understood your question..it was a question that could have come up at any time, and I'm glad you asked it.
I rarely cry when reading posts, but you brought tears for me this time. I remember what it was like in the beginning of this; the memories are not what they were, but I still remember.
Your post tugged very hard at my heart when I read it; and although, I didn't walk the exact same path you are walking at this time, mine was very similar in the pain and heartache that is suffered in all of this.
The Lord knew what He was doing(as He always does) when He gave me the knowledge of how to write all these things out, as I did the research, learned, dealt with my husband's MLC, and looked to Him for understanding, patience and wisdom.
Many people do NOT understand where I come from when I say He leads me down this life's road, giving me what is needed to help others. Without Him, I could never have written these things.
He has been my rock, my salvation, my strength throughout my entire life.
I am never ashamed to say I ask Him for input when I answer people, no matter if it is in real life, in emails, or this messageboard.
Time is generally limited for me, but I will continue to come and check in on you.
Doesn't mean you have to take off and leave; not at all. Sometimes it helps when you have support, and know you're not alone in this.
All I can tell you for now, is read, read, and read..you'll also find other posters who are facing similar situations, and you can also learn from them, as well. Some are farther along, some are like you, just starting.
She loves company, and you two might hit it off. I really like her, she comes across as a strong, capable lady..though SHE doesn't see it in herself.
Regarding threads and new posts: Stay with this thread until it accumulates 100 posts, then press the "notify" key, sending them a message to "lock" the thread so it will go to the archives.
Like OP said, it's hard to keep up when new threads keep popping up. And most people, when they want to post their take on your situation, like to read from start to finish. So, when your thread reaches 100 posts, and you start a new one, copy and paste the link into your new post.
Like I said, I will come back in and check up on you as I can.
Take care of yourself, and I will catch you later.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
