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I don't know if I envy you or think you're crazy. In my case, I see almost zero relationship with W when this is over. I'm going to do my best to have to not deal with her at all except on big stuff -- and try to keep everything to email.

Of course, I just got her settlement offer and I'm beyond upset. My L didn't call me back today either. I'm not happy with that.

Good news though. I was talking things over with a coworker and he smiled when I mentioned the attorneys involved. He said W's L is about the last person he'd hire -- which may be why he had such a low retainer -- when I told him mine, he laughed. He said mine is probably the first he'd hire.

Bill, I'm glad you seemed relieved. Unfortunately, I'm just starting.

I'd probably cast my bet with crazy. The good, there's room for us to work together for the kids. God, I don't know what to say, really. Karen's pointed out that W doesn't seem to be able to stop herself, and it's really up to me. My family and friends have pointed out the potential for unhealthy stagnation. And yeah, a week and a half ago we had sex. Crazy? Yeah. Me enabling crazy? Yeah.

Yeah, I've been following your thread. You'll get through it. Sounds like the lawyer situation is favorable.

The settlement stuff - well, take a deep breath man. What you have now is the start - you'll make a counter, the process will work out. Let your L do the work, and keep breathing.

For me, not sure relieved is the word. I'm glad that part of the process is over. Yeah, I'm going to be paying a lot of money every month, and I'm handing over all the investments and some of my 401k. But, it could have been worse, my W values me as a father and wants to enable that.

OK that's all for now.

Monday.

Strange things.

I had the kids for the weekend, W took a trip, so I stayed at the house. W's birthday is this week, so she considered this her "birthday weekend".

She called me twice Saturday because she was lonely and wanted to talk to her "best friend". Anyway, what she was doing, she went and got a hotel room in some random town, and was just hanging out by herself.

Sunday she met up with her meet-up group and did some activity in Napa valley.

I spoke to a mutual friend over the weekend, who is under the opinion that she's "self-destructing" and pushing all her friends away. This friend was eager to spend time with her this weekend, and was a little taken aback that she declined.

Anyway. So she got back Sunday; well the kids needed to be fed, and she was tired, and her birthday IS this week, so I said, let's all go out to dinner, and that was fine.

Part of the conversation, we talked about another couple, friends, where the W has filed for divorce and is going after it like a pitbull, with the money, custody, etc. And W says to me - "I guess I'm still looking for some acknowledgment that I didn't do that." Seriously - she wants me to THANK her? I didn't know what to say, I just said "Well I think we did a pretty good job of working through it, we had some rough spots, but, etc." And she says, "I did. I wasn't looking for you to complement yourself."

God. Whatever. No, W, I'm not going to see it as kindness that you filed for D, went and got yourself another man, lied to me, kept threatening me with court dates, never did what you said you were going to do. Yeah, there are some things to her credit, I'll give ya that, but seriously.

Oh yeah, and she was angry that I had my car parked in the garage when she got home. Said that she's having a hard time with the having to move out of the house, and that it made her feel like she was getting pushed out, and that I may not see it as a big deal, but she did.

Kidding me? Seriously?

Anyway, by the time we got back from dinner, got the kids in bed, she was in an increasingly foul mood, and I went on my way.

The only think I can say is, these are things to no respond to. She's got her perspective, fine, I don't need to validate it, and I don't need to challenge it either. I'm starting to fear a little that she may not follow through on signing the mediation agreement, but she wants this done so badly that hopefully that's not going to happen.

I've really been stupid. I'm there when she wants to call, and I'm there when she wants to kick. I need to remove myself from both. Yeah, broken record. I know.

I think the best thing that you can say to her is that "divorce is what you wanted, I do not."

I would also make sure that the deal with the house is closed ASAP before she changes her mind about moving out.

You know, may be, but we've had that conversation so many times already. I know we don't share the same perspective.

I know the best thing, really, is to minimize contact. I've gotten this a lot on the board for a long time. I enable this dynamic by... answering the phone. Being available. I can't ask for advice because I've already gotten it. I've enabled.

When she called up Saturday, she said, I know I shouldn't be calling you (and asked me not to tell anyone - that's funny) - but that I can decide for myself if I want to answer the phone when she calls. And that's true.

Nothing's new here. Same damn thing. I have to change it. My attempts have not been consistent. I could go on about why that is, all the clockworks of my internal emotional dynamics, I could say a lot about all that, but it doesn't matter. I've got a big hole in me, and she fits there. And it's stupid to keep allowing her into that hole, because it doesn't heal up.

I think I get some secret satisfaction that I recognize the same in her, she's got a me-shaped hole.

I've got to own my behavior.

Yeah. Unfortunately it's going to take some time. Have to review and sign the papers.

Right now, just going to not rock the boat.

I think it is the sex that is keeping you on the string. My w has not even hinted at having sex since last april so it has been a bit easier to detach. I cannot even imagine what I would be like if we still ML once in a while. I have not ML to anyone for over a year for that matter. I think you are still too afraid of making your wife angry or sad by distancing but that is what needs to happen.

It'd be hard for me not to answer the phone on a weekend night if it was W. As far as I know there still is no OM so if she ever did call I'd be curious.

My sitch is way different than yours in that respect. There appears to be no feelings at all for me.

After the D, I can't see us doing the family meal because really every conversation is just going to have potential pitfalls.

I don't even like it when D11 and D7 talk about W because I end up interpreting everything they say.

I mean yesterday D11 was talking about how W was telling MIL over the weekend that she's going to start looking for houses to rent.

So I'm sitting there thinking she's fighting me for every dime because she can't afford the house yet she's not even going to keep the house. So basically she's lying to me.

And it makes me hate her for a few hours.

Bill. A friend of mine who has been divorced from his first wife and is remarried, happily, for 17 years or so. He said the second marriage is better in every way than the first yet he still thinks of his first wife at least once a week.

That really depressed me.

Following FIB's thread, I find I feel fortunate that we avoided court, and that W offered the support arrangement that she did. I've got some things to be thankful for.

V1olin - I'm not sure if the the sex is the problem or the symptom. It has not been frequent by any means. But it needs to stop. There is a part of me that still doesn't get it, that still feels married to her. And there's a part of her that, by her admission, still feels married to me. And we still fall into that space. The boundaries are up a little more since the settlement stuff has happened though.

Yeah, CTH, there are so many things that can produce that feeling of hate. The truth us, once that partnership breaks, there's no reason for W to disclose the things that are her business anymore. But it's difficult to get your head around, we're not making decisions as partners any longer.

I don't know what to think of the future. It's still hard to entirely digest what it's going to be like, just kind of DOING the steps to take me there.

Today's her birthday. Spring's coming, our anniversary is in June, it's hard not to think of the trips we've taken to Hawaii in this time of the year.

Didn't sleep well last night due to a variety of factors, feel that "wigging out" feeling beneath the surface today. Nothing too bad. Just need to get some sleep tonight.

OK I don't have that much more that is meaningful to say. Have a good and peaceful night, all.