Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The EA bomb dropped by misdirected text

Thanks SA!

I am grateful for your support. One of my tasks today is go to the bookstore and get that book!

He called and was very upset about last night's text...saying that it indicated that I don't believe him or understand that he is absolutely and completely sure that it is OVER between us and that he needs to go on with his life and construct a separate identity outside of his enmeshment with mine...

I validated.
And we agreed (once again!) not to text or speak again unless needed for practical reasons until the end of the month, when he will decide whether or not to move back in (to the guest room) while we prepare the house for sale. This would allow him to lighten his overtime workload while working on himself. BUt he thinks that I will be trying to persuade him to come back if he does this and says that he would rather stay in his car or on the street than be 'pulled or pushed' by me, when he has made a firm decision.

I validated.
And I'm looking forward to not needing to carry my phone around all the time, wondering, waiting for hi to call or text - to throw me some crumbs... Since I know that they mean nothing to him and are really just a way to stave off the extreme guilt and shame that he feels.

I am still curious...if anyone would please comment on my question above, I'd be grateful:
"Do his expressions of guilt, shame, and feelings that he 'failed me completely' mean anything? Until his now-terminated counselor forced him to make the decision, he spent weeks saying that he did not 'want to make a decision that he might regret for the rest of his life' and said things like 'I loved our life together.'"

In this latest call (and the last for a few weeks ahead), he again said that we had a great life and great times together...but added that it was 'all for you...all about you... and this has to be all about me.'

I am now ready to move into the space in which I am DBing ONLY for myself, and NOT in the hope of saving the M...this is an important step in my healing and wholeness and in his too...since I have indeed been spending too much time believing that it could be saved when it clearly seems that it cannot...He is anxious to 'get this over with' and I have to accept that...

SH

Also, I'm guilty of being a dumb--- who cannot always stay dark. Then I get back on the bike and try again.

SH said:
I am still curious...if anyone would please comment on my question above, I'd be grateful:
"Do his expressions of guilt, shame, and feelings that he 'failed me completely' mean anything? Until his now-terminated counselor forced him to make the decision, he spent weeks saying that he did not 'want to make a decision that he might regret for the rest of his life' and said things like 'I loved our life together.'"


I don't understand this. His individual counselor told him he had to make a decision about your M? I don't think counselor's are supposed to "force" patients into decisions or anything else. Was this his interpretation or what she actually did?

His expressions of guilt and shame mean that he loved (and probably still) loves you. But I don't know if that means he can get himself straightened out or not or whether he even knows if he can. If he's making all his problems "about" the marriage and not looking into other factors (like the fact that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life etc.) then that is putting too much emphasis on the M. Everyone's M has problems that could be worked on or fixed if both people try. But it sounds like he has a lot of other stuff going on too.

Yeah...I thought the counselor's saying that she could not work with him if he did not make the decision was an ethical breach...but he has since said that he used that as an excuse to say what he needed to say and that he was reading that from her. Once he made the decision he only saw her one last time before terminating (presumably because she wanted to talk about HIM instead of the M now that he made the decision). After that, he relied on the EA-text affair for support...now he has just himself and a limited number of mostly-shallow friends. But he is saying that he 'needs to do this alone' anyway...

I am feeling really dead inside today...

SH

SH:
In this latest call (and the last for a few weeks ahead), he again said that we had a great life and great times together...but added that it was 'all for you...all about you... and this has to be all about me.'



Sounds like therapy talk and MLC talk to me. If he's so worried about being enmeshed, why did he immediately try to get enmeshed with someone else? He could work on his boudaries within the context of your M if he wanted to. Sounds like he's pathologizing your M so as not to look at himself. I don't know if you should let him move back in. He's claiming YOU are going to push-pull him. He's an adult and half of that dynamic. This is all blaming and externalizing. I would use this month to try to extricate from his blaming you and your M for his identity crisis and deceit.

SH: Once he made the decision he only saw her one last time before terminating (presumably because she wanted to talk about HIM instead of the M now that he made the decision).


It's a bad sign he used C for a decision he could not make on his own and "blamed" it on her. It's also a bad sign that he now is leaning on others and claiming to go it alone. Don't know if that's MLC or identity crisis or depression or what. But not being willing to look at himself in C now doesn't mean he won't in six months. Question is, how do you want to spend your year?

Yes rr...bad signs all around...

The NC weeks ahead should be very helpful for both of our healing and disentanglement. And, hopefully, he begin to realize that his blaming keeps him from looking inside and dealing with the past pains that made him unable to ASK for what he needed in our M. I would have given him the moon if he had only asked...

I hope to spend my year completing my dissertation & becoming a "doctah"! I hope to find more and better ways to make $$ and pay down the debt. I hope to find some kind of social circle and to grow & heal & become whole within myself FOR myself...

SH

SH, I removed the parts of this paragraph that don't apply to me, but what's left is how I sometimes feel as well. I am additionally frustrated because for the last 9 months I have been dealing with an orthopedic problem that has kept me from all of my usual physical activities -- and I was a very active 60+. I also can't commit to any long term activities -- job, choir, classes, etc. -- because my mother is not well, and I need to travel to see her frequently.

Do you have an interest that you can pursue at home? Family history is mine, and it can occupy, even challenge, your mind and consume your time, even more so if you volunteer to help people who are researching in your area. Are you a dog person? They get you out of the house and draw people to you. Have you looked for local groups focused on your interests? Is there a community college in your town where you can take a class on something completely new? Can you learn a new sport? Drop by your chamber of commerce or a local hotel and look through the racks of pamphlets about local attractions and activities. These are just a few suggestions. If you dabble in enough places, something is sure to spark your interest!

Thank you Twink for the advice...I will look into this...more than anything else, I really need to start making more $$ (moving from under-employed to fully emplyed & with benefits, etc.)... Having a social circle and the benefit of friend-support and 'stuff to do' would also be great. I'm a people person, so I also need to look inside at the ways in which I feel the need to validate myself through others and then become more capable of believing in myself on my own.

I exist and I am worthy whether or not others are in my life and acknowledge me (she says, though she does not believe it...yet!).

SH

This is great insight, SH, and something I work on as well. Good for you!