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Echo FM there is a lot of good going on and trust has to start some where!

It's been a long time since December, hasn't it? I am so proud of you GW. You have come such a long way!

I was about to burst when you told about your W feeling guilty over you not getting the job/move.......and you allowed her to feel that without trying to fix things. You are applying what you've learned. Great job!

As I've told you in the past, it is important that she goes through these emotions of guilt, remorse, etc. It took me a long time and was in little stages. I think that is what it will be like for her also. She might not tell you that she wants to work on the M, but just start "doing"it.

I am concerned about this trip she's taking, but you cannot control that. You can continue to think & act smart and do not for a second believe she is out of the woods yet. Although, considering how she has been the last few months, things do sound a lot better.

I am so excited and hopeful about this M. If she does not meet with OM on this trip, I think you will be in piecing very soon. Just keep up your changes and don't backslide. Whenever a DBer has returned to the board, that is what they always say.....that reverted back to their old ways.

I'm so proud ofyou!!

Sandi -
It is so GREAT to hear from you. Sorry I have been absent a lot from the boards, but it was the right thing for ME to do for ME and I trust you understand that; there was just too much going on in my life, I didn't have the time or energy. You were the first one to really take me under their wing and I will always be grateful, you taught me a lot and I hope to continue to learn from you in the future.

I still make mistakes, I still have a ways to go, and although I detached some, not enough but learned that even when not detached enough in my heart, learned to fake it better. My biggest step forward has been learning not to fix things. When W told me it was all her fault for Hawaii, I kindly told her that we will just have to make the best of the situation and then changed the subject.

I think you are very right that the guilt, remorse will be in little stages. Even the guilt over the assignment only lasted about 2 days, then she seemed to have gotten over it or maybe she dealt with it...she is strong. I still haven't seen remorse, she still justifies it as no big deal because it was never PA. But one step at a time, the guilt and genuine disappointment when she realized she killed the job was huge.

I know I am not out of the woods yet. I know there is potential hook up with OM but I did good and have never mentioned or hinted at it. With all the positive signs, and there are many (another 50 minute phone conversation last night where she was up till 1:30AM her time talking to me), I am taking the be a better option approach because I cannot control it.

The kids have also helped with the sitch. While on my trip, she sent me an e-mail that said the girls have been talking about me all day, it would be really nice if we could Skype tonight so they can see you. She might finally have seen it is not a game with the kids, that I and they truly care for each other.

I have done a lot of the reward good behavior technique and that is what works! Each time she opens up a little or initiates communication, I then reciprocate with twice as much and then wait. And RW/LR have taught me to make sure I am more interested in what is going on in her life than telling her about my travels. Doing that led her to start asking me a lot about what I was doing. She also showed genuine concern about my trip back to where our problems started. I won't name the location, but she knows I had lots of bad memories. With some help, I was able to make it a 180 without going overboard. Was able to let her know that the trip back to the bad location was better than last time, better than anticipated but never used words like that. Just stayed positive about my 2 days in that location.

I know the next few days are critical. If there is no rendezvous, there is reason for optimism. If there is, well...I will know it. I am certain of that, her actions will give it away.

Lastly, we took another baby step forward yesterday. We got past the safe topics of talking about the kids, work, and what we were doing in our days. She opened up a little and talked about her time she spent with her dad. They are not close, and she has claimed all along that the reason for this trip was to get closer to him as he is getting older and health not great. She talked to me about how good things were, about the walk they took together, and told me all in all, she was glad she came. I did a lot of listening and asked a lot of questions to try to encourage her to talk about it and I told her more than once how happy I was to hear all this.

Yes it has been a long time since Dec. No I didn't see this rapid turnaround coming. Two and half weeks ago, she was not talking to me because she was so mad about the job sitch. But looking back (with help from H4L) helped me see that another key was drawing a line in the sand. I told her that if she decided not to come to Hawaii, then the kids were coming with me. She asked how could I possibly do the job and take care of the kids, and I calmly answered I will hire a live-in nanny. She didn't like that...didn't like the fact I had thought thru it all. She said so we will fight over the kids then, and I calmly said only if YOU decide not to come to Hawaii.

Thanks for the encouragement. Hopefully I'll be giving some positive updates in the next few days...only time will tell at this point.

I'm rooting for you GW

I know you are very busy now, but when you have time to drop a line and let us know how things are going.....we would love to hear from you. I can hardly wait to hear about a D busted!

Hes still a man on a mission Sandi I wil prod him for an update for you folks!

Sandi and others,
Hold off on the celebrations, we have another pullback maybe a setback. I really don't know right now, but she said we need to talk. W told me she had a lot of time to think about things on trip, I replied with I'd love to hear about that whenever you are ready. I think that will be tonight or tomorrow. W told me we need to talk about where to do we go from here, that right now were are stuck in limbo land. I asked her what she meant and I can't remember the exact reply but it was where do you and I go now or is there even going to be a you and I. So playing her cards real close...To that I tried nicely replying that we have been communicating a lot and very well lately and it has been nice. She said we have always communicated well about task like stuff - kids, work, projects, etc but we have never communicated about R stuff well. I simply replied with I am willing to try and work on the hard stuff too. No reply from her

I have continued with the same pattern of affection as before she left...but last night got from her "I don't know what you expect"...I asked what did she mean, and she replied that i have been more touchy and affectionate lately and she doesn't now what I expect from her. I just told her I have no expectations, but am just trying to do a little to take us out of limbo. I also said that it seemed to me that hugs were ok with her, and she said yes, hugs are ok.

So - she notices the extra affection but I don't know if she likes it or wants it. Hugs are acceptable, no longer on the off-limits page. We have to talk about where we go from here, and I have no idea what is in her brain.

The fog is still gone, but the wall is still there. I would say that after her trip, she rebuilt the wall some (after a ton of bricks had come down in the few days prior).

Sandi - if you see this, I would love your thoughts/perspective. Unfortunately, we really do need to talk. We have to start looking for a place to live this summer, and we both know this, and we both know we need to talk about it. I do have some anxiery over this talk. Things were looking so well until the wall went up a little more and that comment of if there even is a you and I in the future...

GW, sorry that you have to anticipate "the talk". I hope it goes as well as can be expected.

Thanks FM! Today has been tough. Highest anxiety I've experienced in long time. Can't quite shake it. Frustrating, cause I thought I was past that. I guess it is the fact that things are once again coming to a head and I don't know what's going to come from this talk. Just to make it even worse, she has had a stressful day at work. She started to try to talk to me about it at one point, but then got pulled away and we never did quite finish, but she has been dealing with some big issues today.
Great, perfect (sarcasm here), just what we need right now.

I'm hanging in there, but certainly a little disappointed by the implication that we still don't communicate on anything serious (since that is because she won't let the wall down far enough to do that) and the if there is even a you and I in the future comment.

I can understand your anxiety. Honestly, I know you don't want to hear this but there is a reason your W still has her wall up. She is either still in her affair or she is wishing she was. It's not so much she has a wall up around you, she simply has her wall *around* something or somebody else (or the idea of it all).

IMO your W has always been heading down the path of a separation and really was sorting of trying to ease some tension so that would happen in a more smooth manner. She stresses the things the two of you can talk about which IMO is to show you that co-parenting will go just fine.

While you may have communicated frequently when you both were on trips that is much different than dealing with somebody "live" on a daily basis. Her wall came back up when you came back because you were back and reality set back in.

It seems in your mind you were so sure this would work and you were so sure you were heading to piecing that you sort of missed many signs. I would bet (sorry, I know this is speculation) her suggestion to talk has been in her mind for some time and she waited until your trip was over.

I would only listen to her during the talk and whatever she says (good or bad) you will need a few days to digest it all before you can proceed.

Be well and good luck!