Mike...having been where you are I only wish to reiterate what's been said here:
do not operate out of fear. It will destroy you in the long run
she should NOT be living under the same roof while having an affair. Set boundaries. You'll feel MUCH better about yourself as a man and a person
My greatest regret, through all of this, is not having filed sooner or having asked my STBXW to leave the house after understanding that she was on a mission to meet another man at all costs. I DB'd for 17 months. That was 17 months of me enabling her behavior.
Don't enable Mike. Don't do it.
Set your boundaries.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I have to throw my two cents in here as well. Take it from someone who DIDN'T do what worked. My situation was very similar to yours. I wish I had access to this advice back when my sitch started, although I probably wouldn't have been strong enough to follow it. I thought I just needed to wait her out. I was tough in some ways, but when she'd test me, and she would, I failed, because in each instance I let her know I was still there for her. Take that away from your W!
Face reality. Your W is into another man, and has left you behind. Draw your boundary! You will not share her. If she pursues her affair, she has to move out, and you will proceed with a divorce. You will go through with what you so hate, dividing up possessions, establishing shared custody, etc. It really sucks, and guess what, she knows it too. That is your power. Are you really willing to "hang in there" and watch her be with another man, waiting for her to "come to her senses"? You're giving her no reason to come to her senses!
She has dragged you down a very ugly path, but you don't have to follow. Try to step back and think about it. What possible scenario involves her coming back to you? If her A falls apart, and she comes back with the attitude "Oh well, that didn't work, I guess I'll go back to H", how will you feel? Does that provide any real foundation for a M to work? The only basis that allows you to save your M with dignity and respect is to draw a hard boundary and make it clear that if she doesn't stop what she's doing, you will end the M, you will move on with your life, and she will lose you. Then if she does come back, you can hold your head up, and she has to give you the respect you deserve.
Read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson.
I have to throw my two cents in here as well. Take it from someone who DIDN'T do what worked. My situation was very similar to yours. I wish I had access to this advice back when my sitch started, although I probably wouldn't have been strong enough to follow it. I thought I just needed to wait her out. I was tough in some ways, but when she'd test me, and she would, I failed, because in each instance I let her know I was still there for her. Take that away from your W!
Face reality. Your W is into another man, and has left you behind. Draw your boundary! You will not share her. If she pursues her affair, she has to move out, and you will proceed with a divorce. You will go through with what you so hate, dividing up possessions, establishing shared custody, etc. It really sucks, and guess what, she knows it too. That is your power. Are you really willing to "hang in there" and watch her be with another man, waiting for her to "come to her senses"? You're giving her no reason to come to her senses!
She has dragged you down a very ugly path, but you don't have to follow. Try to step back and think about it. What possible scenario involves her coming back to you? If her A falls apart, and she comes back with the attitude "Oh well, that didn't work, I guess I'll go back to H", how will you feel? Does that provide any real foundation for a M to work? The only basis that allows you to save your M with dignity and respect is to draw a hard boundary and make it clear that if she doesn't stop what she's doing, you will end the M, you will move on with your life, and she will lose you. Then if she does come back, you can hold your head up, and she has to give you the respect you deserve.
Read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson.
