Robx, before you tell me to move on, realize I buy into the number of messages you sent to my posts yesterday and understand whichever side I stick to is fine - but either way, I need to move on.
LOL! So you think you know what I'm going to say but choose to stay on your current course doing what you're doing because it's worked so well.
There must have been an update to your situation recently, I didn't realize that your wife considered the OM her boyfriend already, that was quick.
Ok, I didn't tell her I was dating, just talking to someone. I am so so so tempted to just blast her but I keep reading what you've wrote about not being punitive. Some else on here said living a great life was the best payback also. I want to be rational but I also want to blast her so freaking hard right now because of the way she is acting.
I don't recommend being punitive. Not necessary. I realize that you want to blast her, but that isn't rational or a good idea.
"I am kinda seeing someone. Yes I am over you and hope this gives you the closure you need. I just suddenly realized that things just were never going to work between us. I don't want to be with a woman that I don't trust or can't be true to me. I don't want to be with a woman who can't decide if she loves me or not. I am sorry that it didn't work out between us and hope that someday we can be friends."
I would think that should give you a way of "tellng her off" without it coming across as angry. I would suggest this approach because it leaves you with all the options and still gets your points across about how you feel about her behavior.
Amazing huh? Jealousy can do what no other thing can. Good job.
Here's the thing. After all this, I started feeling guilty? And I don't understand why. I haven't done anything inappropriate. I haven't talked to anyone about anything out of context. I haven't done anything to violate my vows.
Reject the guilt. When it reappears, reject it again. Self talk.
Talk yourself through it. Then drop it. It will pass.
I am resigned to it because I don't want to sell the house, split our belongings, and other challenges that lay ahead of us. Also, by her moving out, we lower our chances for a reconcile - don't we?
Your wife knows this too, this makes YOU look like a weak man to her, very unattractive, women are attracted to strong, confident men and you don't sound like one and your body language at home probably displays the same fact as well to her.
Look at you, holding on to "... our chances for a reconcile" like it's the last life line from a boat to a drowning passenger.
She knows this.
She takes advantage of this.
You're not dealing with the woman that once loved you and cared for you, you're dealing with a different person but you keep thinking that you're dealing with the same wife, you're not - she's a different woman right now.
You're not dealing with the woman that once loved you and cared for you, you're dealing with a different person but you keep thinking that you're dealing with the same wife, you're not - she's a different woman right now.
Agreed.
Her homework from personal counseling is to go out and do all those things that she has wanted to over the past few years during the next three weeks.
Your input is dead on the money. She isn't (or wasn't) the person you painted her out to be but in the end, she will be an adulterer.
The question is, can I stand to support someone who once loved me while she follows through on her selfish desires while living under the same rook with my son and I?
[quote] she told me that the more emotional I got, the more I was "pushing" her toward the other man.
"...maybe some truth to that; but it's WAS spew..."
That's one of the few things you can believe from her. It's 150% true.
She was honest, she knows what attracts her. When a man begs & pleads for his WAW to not leave him, it totally kills the attraction and make no mistake about it, you are dealing with attraction here: what causes it and what kills it. Mike you have been killing it, this is not WAS spew.
And yes she was accurate that you were pushing her to the OM when you acted like that.
Let's think about it.
You begging and pleading translates to needy, insecure, emotional, wussy like, weak, not confident, not strong - all HUGE attraction killers for women.
If a woman can't trust the man she's with to be strong, confident, secure, stable, calm - sooner or later she will be attracted to another man that displays those traits & characteristics.
LOVE is not forever.
If it was, this site wouldn't exist, there would be no need to bust divorces. Love conquers all, etc.
And you can't expect people to love you and accept you as you are if you turn into something unattractive. That's not fair to them.
It's the psychology of human nature, you either embrace it and the reality of your situation and start doing things that work to turn this situation around or you continue wandering the forums asking "WHY ME?" and "WHAT DO I DO NOW?"
You're not dealing with the woman that once loved you and cared for you, you're dealing with a different person but you keep thinking that you're dealing with the same wife, you're not - she's a different woman right now.
Agreed.
Her homework from personal counseling is to go out and do all those things that she has wanted to over the past few years during the next three weeks.
Your input is dead on the money. She isn't (or wasn't) the person you painted her out to be but in the end, she will be an adulterer.
The question is, can I stand to support someone who once loved me while she follows through on her selfish desires while living under the same rook with my son and I?
Time will tell.
Why is that question even being asked? You don't have to support her and what she is doing. Why would you?
You can be happy for yourself and ... YES I'm going to say it, start socially interacting with other women (dating) but you don't need to tell your wife about it, in fact if you do, it looks like you're doing it to make her jealous and that looks lame.
Move on with your life and start seeing, dating other women - watch what happens to your current situation when you start doing what works.
Hanging in there and allowing her to sow her wild oats at your expense definitely won't work LOL!
OK, but why would you ignore it and what would you expect to happen next? What would you expect the outcome to be?
I would ignore it because I have found in my life and observing thousands upon thousands of these things, that ignoring it is what works the best. I am all for what works and totally against what doesn't......
What would I expect the outcome to be?
My attitude is.....
"They ALL come back"
"Women are a dime a dozen.. I always have a dime in my pocket"...
"HMMM,,,, Maybe this IS for the best... Now I can watch sports, have my hobbies, be clean or be a slob, go out when I want, stay home when I want, see who I want, not see who I don't want, play golf when I want.. ETC ETC ETC...."
YOUR attitude is... "she is the only thing I want and the only thing I can think about"
No wonder you are depressed thinking like that... Who wouldn't be?
Go get a life and have some FUN... Go out and mingle... Find some fun hobbies. Quit moping.....
What more can I tell you? This isn't rocket science. Do what works.
Let her go. If she wants the divorce.. SO BE IT.. Shrug your shoulders (so to speak) and admit that you may have blown it, let her go and move on down the highway...
FIND SOMEONE ELSE.....
I find it fascinating that you don't see what happened when SHE let go.
YOU CAME BACK...
You aren't going to know UNTIL you let go..
Letting go IS a choice...
Funny thing is that once you let go, you really WON'T care and it is likely that she may come back then...
Check out AFWAW's thread... Pearl Harbor's thread... Joshua Robert's thread... Steve McQueen's thread....
Then go check out the threads of people who can't let go.... Notice and observe that the ones who DO NOT let go are the ones that are NOT having success...
The pattern is CLEAR. Follow reality.. Follow what works...
What works is to STOP trying and to shrug your shoulder and walk the other way...
Go watch the movie with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore... "About Last Night"
They fall in love.. move in together. He suddenly misses the single life and wants some space... She GIVES him the space and moves on with her life (secretly crying her eyes out)
He wakes up and wants her back. Tries desperately. She tells him again and again it is over. He keeps trying. She keeps rejecting him telling him it is too late...
He FINALLY realizes that she doesn't want him. He moves on and starts a business he had already been interested in... Leaves her alone...
Meanwhile, she is missing him still. Her BFF finally tells your to quit whining and crying about him and make an effort....
The last scene is when she COMES to him... when he was playing softball. She goes by on her bicycle..... She stops.. Walks over..
They talk...
The end of the movie they have set up a date to meet again..
As they both walk away from each other....you can feel that they ARE going to get back together...
It WAS the time apart. The time of leaving each other ALONE to their thoughts is what brought them back together...
Let her go RSF.. She told you she wants to proceed with the divorce. By fighting against it you are showing more of the same selfishness that got you here..
"don't get a divorce, give me what I want. Not what you want. I don't want a divorce, I don't want you to see the other man, I don't this....""""
If a woman can't trust the man she's with to be strong, confident, secure, stable, calm - sooner or later she will be attracted to another man that displays those traits & characteristics.
if it helps, imagine yourself a bull elk in the bitteroot's in late september.
