I think they are confused they must have a lot of emotions attached here and it is such a bif decision and painful for them too
so I think the back and forth is a way for them to try to figure it out unfortunately if its MLC it seems to take a long time so they drift in and out for what seems like months and years even continue to support him and at the same time take care of you get on with your life a lot of it seems to be waiting and changing the changes we keep forever so alone that is worth it oeace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Checking in as I said I would - I'm guessing he didn't go to a L today? AS I said, extreme flip flopping is normal in this crazy world. Just because they left doesn't mean they don't have a huge amount of confused feelings. My H blew up a few times and threatened an ugly D where he'd screw me - it never got there. He did it many times actually. But after six months or so the flip flops got a little smaller. At least D didn't come up. He still has extremes.
Yep he wants to take care of you and return, AND he's scared it will go back to the way it was. You can bet on it. Most WAS who consider reconsiliation do. But if you keep DBing - being mysterious, not taking the bait, keeping the convos short and to the point and getting off the phone first, GAL etc, he will be forced into making his own decision. That's all he can do. You cannot force him into a decision.
The only way he will feel secure is with time. Time showing him that things can be different - and he will experience it over time. Then it will take more time for him to believe that the changes he's experiencing isn't just to get him back but is for real.
But think of it this way, you are in such a better place than so many on these boards where the WAS seems on a fast train to D-Land. The waffle is good.
Lost1234, I will be coming this way later today..I've been saying tomorrow, but it is already that.
Will post my thoughts on you, I promise. I will have to do some reading before I post, though, so be patient with me.
Be good to yourself.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hello Lost1234, I have found I REALLY have to pay attention when a poster's name is similar, LOL!! Otherwise, I might post to the wrong thread, LOL!!
Ok, I have read your entire situation. You have had the best advice in this world throughout. It reminds of me of when it was me; and I asked SO many questions; sometimes more than once...but sometimes that is what it takes to "get it".
I found myself cheering you on, when I saw you'd "gotten it", as I'd read along, and finally, you had an idea of what you have to do for yourself.
This is where MANY people(LBS) get stuck in this..taking a long time to get what they have to do; mainly because of the fear that holds them back.... detaching and distancing is very important to preserve what sanity you have left.
There was a time in this when I detached completely, and honestly, nearly forgot he was there until he started walking on my heels in a figurative sense.
It is when you "let go completely", they come forward and do the serious work within they need to do..but the key here is YOU.
As long as you continue to get sucked up in his drama, even a small bit, you continue to stay upset, and that helps NO ONE.
You've honestly GOT to stop worrying about him..and just get on with your life AS IF he's not in it..this is for YOU, not HIM.
And you've got to stop giving his flip flops "head time" he still doesn't know what he wants, and he really needs the time to "figure it all out", and he really doesn't need your help to do this.
You just be there IF and WHEN he needs you, validating his feelings, continuing to allow him to process himself.
What you're seeing IS perfectly normal, don't let fear jump up and bite you; it is not worth you getting all torn up.
Confusion is pretty deep waters when it comes down to it..and it's hard to know what to do and when to do it. But you do the best you can.
A standard answer you might think about using if/when he starts saying he wants a divorce pretty regularly; "If that's what you want"
Usually verbal threats are present when you actually DO get too close to the issues within, and they are used to "control" you. Most of the time it's hot air, but when you got upset about it before, do the opposite or 180 of what you'd NORMALLY do.
When mine was threatening to leave me every time I got too close to his issues and he was flip flopping about it, I simply let him go..told him that same thing "If that's what you want"..and let it go. I looked calm, cool, detached, while inside, I was scared to death.
I didn't think he really WANTED to leave, but I couldn't let him keep threatening me with this every time I accidentally got too close, and I took a chance on telling him that; knowing he might actually take me up on it. But, I somehow KNEW that was NOT what he wanted; he was just wanting me to back away from him, but yet at the same time, he was trying to smother me to death; grabbing onto me when I least expected it.
It seemed to be a no-win situation; "come closer come closer....get away get away...I'm gonna leave! I'm gonna leave!"..but really couldn't tell me why. Because HE really didn't know, within himself, he was also still blaming me, somewhat for his problems, fighting to stay in control of it all; his issues were clamoring for attention, and it was heavy for him(and me) during that time.
So, I just went on with my life; didn't wait on him..knew when it was time he'd follow me, and he did. In time, I just completely let go of the situation, knowing the Lord had it all in hand; and things would be all right, no matter what happened.
Yet, it took TIME, as everything does, it doesn't matter how long it took my husband, yours may be different in his coming through than what my husband was.
Everyone is different and you know your situation better than anyone, so you have an idea of what might work and what might not. I share my own experience with others to illustrate the similarity, but no two situations are the same
If he thinks you're ok with a divorce, and that is NOT what he really wants, most likely, he'll not bring it up again or even file. He may try one more time in order to see if you really meant what you said. Some more of his ammunition is taken away, and he's made, in a sense to come forward a little more. Some will threaten like that, because of fear and when LBS says "IF that's what you want," or something to that same effect, they back off; something settling within.
These are just my thoughts from reading..again, every situation is different, and what the MLC'er may want or not want is "hidden" even from them.
Now, if he starts threatening this every day, every time you look at him, we might be looking at a cycle..but it doesn't look like this has been going on for very long at all...so pay attention and watch him to see if he becomes a "broken" record.
Don't worry so much; I understand the frustration; I've been there, but I can tell you, I was NOT threatened with a divorce, I always got threatened with the leaving business. Mine was what the people would call here a "live-in". Mine never left, and it WAS HARD. The only separations we had was when he went out on the road; as he drove a truck, and at that time I had a day job.
When he was home, it was VERY hard on me, from an emotional standpoint, that is why some people are of the opinion that moving out is better. It works for some that way so that the pressure is not so much.
One of the most frustrating things about MLC is that it is UP TO THEM, and not you. They MUST be given space AND time to decide for themselves.
All you can do is get on with your life, stay clear of him, but don't wait for him; get on with it. Time doesn't stop just because he's in the tunnel fighting his way out, it marches on just like it always does.
I'm unsure if this will help; there wasn't much I could add to the already great advice you've been given.
I would just be repeating the majority of it; and if you need a boost; go back and re-read the older posts you've had.
I think you'll be fine..you're just scared to death, and that's very understandable.
How are you on your personal journey? You're learning to go on with your life, but how's the deeper work coming along on YOU?
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
