Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Huband is having an emotional affair

Precisely my point. So when it's NOT consensual, there's this "WHOA! -- WAIT A MINUTE!" effect. When you point out to people, in their posts, "So what then, you're willing to live in an open marriage?" (which someone challenged someone with just today, I believe), it normally gets a very strong, visceral response, whereas sometimes you get an "oh, it's 'just' an EA" from the same person.

Maybe it's different for the cheating spouse than it is for the betrayed spouse, but BSs, at least, HATE it when you point out to them that they're basically enabling an "open marriage."

Puppy

thanks guys... You know my intent. Wording not the greatest

Allen- Thank you for your blueprint and your offer to help. I appreciate it. I am willing to put your points to work. I will go through your points one by one.

1. Unfortunately, I do not have a wedding ring and have not had one for 3 years. My H bought me a upgrade ring to replace my original wedding ring. This was stolen from my home during a party and I haven't had one since. My H had said that he would buy me a new one for our 10 year anniversary but that was last year and he had already left the marriage by then. I should probably have brought a regular band to replace it. Doing that now would probably be seen as pursuing I guess.

2. I have no interest in filing for divorce. We would not be able to afford it anyway's. Our finances are depleted. That is something he would have to initiate.

3. So far I have had no distractions concerning our marriage inside our home as it is just me and the kids live here. Outside the home only certain people know about our situation. Mostly family, who for the most part, have been supportive. Some of them have encouraged me to move to where my H lives and some have said "forgot about him, you don't need him." NONE of them know about this latest development which is the OW. Except for my MIL and she has been so encouraging to me. Nothing has changed with my H's family. They are still loving to us no matter what H has does. As for the OW, I know nothing about her except that she is young with no kids and that she is living in the same apartment complex as my H.

4. It is a coincidence you suggested this. I was definately going to do this. Only difference is that I was going to look for a therapist for myself. I was going to a counselor last year but I stopped going. I didn't seem to be getting anywhere with her. She was a marriage counselor but I don't think she really had dealt with just one spouse who wants to save their marriage when the other spouse did not. I was planning to call the divorcebusting site to see what their recommendations were for my area. Should I just look for a family therapist where my kids and I go together? They are young and really don't know whats going on regarding H and I.

5. I have started reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and I plan on reading Divorce Remedy again. Do you have any other suggestions on reading material dealing with those topics?

You are right about the long time separation, the only thing with this is that my H lives 14 hours away now along with the OW. They did not move down there together. She moved down there after the fact. He claims that were and are good friends and that she began inquiring about the job prospects down there. Obviously, she liked what she heard and moved where is he is. H also says she believed in what he was trying to accomplish by starting the entertainment company which he started 2 years ago and she was a part of and this new clothing line that she is co-owner of. He has been back for his sisters 30th birthday party, all of the kids birthdays, the beginning of the new school year, Halloween, and Christmas. His shortest visit was 3 days and the longest was 2 weeks which was during the x-mas holiday. So, you see I really don't see my H that much. We just have phone contact which varies from every 2-3days to up 5 days. I never call him. When a phone call is initiated on my end it is from the kids. When he calls I answer and we usually talk then the kids talk. I am thinking that this different state separation is and has worked against me.

I'm sorry. I prematurely hit the submit button. I had a little more that I wanted to write.

My H claims that him and OW go out to eat and to the movies together. They have fun together, something I guess we did not do. I don't disagree with this but having a affair is really no excuse for not having fun in our marriage. He claims they have not slept together. Even if they are not being physical, I am sure its just a matter of time.

I would like to save my marriage even though the odds are stacked against me. OW is in the picture and probably has been for sometime, maybe not as serious as it is now but there is nothing I can do to change that. They live 14 hours away in fantasyland. I just don't want to give up so easily just because H has.

Ditance is almost always a negative... if you CAN have a conversation without hurting each other at least...

1. Well, you could get a band and if he asks, you tell hiim you bought that soon after the ring was stolen until he replaced it... you do'nt have to tell him you just bought it now... he may think he just didn't notice you had it?

2. I am a bit confused, if your husband moved elsewhere to earn money for a businsss, why don't you two have the money to file? If he's not making enough $$ with this venture then tell him to come BACK?

3. I would be exposing to anyone who you think would pressure him to END his affair and to come HOME. It sounds like you have some very resourceful family members there, so I would be tapping into that as much as I can... he may be far away, but they can CALL him and tell him they hope he works things out iwth you and they CAN give him advice on how to repair his marriage.. they can at the VERY least offer him HOPE...

They can call him and say "I have every reason thinkk you two can repiar your marriage, you just need to focus 100% and make an honest commitment to work with her... she is willing to work with you". If you can get 5 or 10 people from his side of the family telling him THAT, it will help a LOT

4. NEVER trust a marriage counsellor's title... ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS interview the MC as if they were being HIRED to work on your marriage, that is what they are DOING.. always interview them to find out where their head is at... if they don't seem to understand infidelity ..

I would even casually ASK them : "Is there any books or authors on infidelity that I can read?... do you know the names of any books or authors??"

You hit them with THAT and then you have your pen and paper ready... if they can't give you ANYTHING off the top of their head.. that' is a HUGE red light...

I mean, YOU can name Glass and you aren't even an MC, I EXPECT a MC to have at LEAST HEARD of Shirley Glass... I would NOT work iwht a FT who wasn't at least willing to READ her... I don't expect them ALL to heave heard and read her, but I would HOPE they at least would be willing to read her book, having already HEARD about it...

Spring's After the Affair is popular as well.. its written with teh WAYWARD spouse in mind as the audience, so you may find it a bit too supportive of their feelings and to gloss over the miserable way the abandoned spouse is treated, but that's my take.. its a popular book too.. and not too bad.

I like Phil McGraw. He has a lot of good stuff to say about affairs.. or I should say NOT good stuff to say.. he despises them... he won't supoprt them at all.. which I always love to hear.. you can go to www.Drphil.com and find his articles easy enough, he has at least a half dozen on infidelity.

Oh, and on 4...

Ya, you have read Glass, but play DUMB with the MC until you are sure they know what they are talking about... you play DUMB to see what they KNOW.. I know its underhanded, but its done in interviews all the time.

When I do job interviews for my team I write programming code on teh board with errors in it (I am a software architect) all the time, I HOPE for them to correct me on it.. if they don't say anything, I don't often call them back...

The ones that say

"Oh, you missed a ; in that line here.. THAT guy gets a call back.. he KNOWS what he's doing..."

Play dumb, its underhanded, but in interviews it DOES help you find out what the interviewee knows.

You can't just ask them "Do you konw Glass"... they will just nod and say "sure" or they will get defensive on you ...

Allen- About your confusion about us not having enough money to file, H and I have been unemployed for 10 mos. We both took a buyout from our jobs and he decided that he was going to move down south and expand on his entertainment company. This was after the bomb.There seems to be a market down there for that. He put a lot of money into this venture and I don't think it turned out the way he wanted it to. So he then started a clothing line which involves using more of his buydown money. He also lives out of and pays bills with this money. The clothingline is new and so far has not made any money. I am guessing he hopes it will. Pretty soon this money will run out and he will have to seek a regular nine to five.

About asking him to come home? H has always wanted to move down south to persue his dream of starting the companies that he has. H wanted us to move down south 6 years ago but I did not show any intrest in doing so back then. I was afraid of leaving my extended family who was so dependent on me. I have come to realize that the relationship that I had with them was unhealthy and I was an enabler for their co-dependant behavior on me. Later on down the line, I realized that H wanting us to move away was a way to save me from my to dependant family. When we did not move, and I kept putting everyone else's priorites first before my H and I, my H became

continued-

hardened and started to disconnect from me. It went downhill from there. So, H moved away to where he really wanted to be and with no intentions of coming back.

sounds like a MLC as well as the A.

I would also read codependant no more since you are awars of the co dependant nature of your fam.

It will help / some detaching as well. Especially WHEN H has his crisis.

I am def not well versed on the A's- my W is in the middle of one now. I had been raching out to MIL who is widowed and been single for 20 plus years. I actually reached out to my Aunt in law- as she is still happily M.

It may be difficult to gain the support you require, but it sounds like you're on your way as you have MIL in your corner or at least are on good terms w/ her.

Allen gives great advice-

The distance I feel will also be a factor against you. BUT- things will run their course- you know your H better than anyone- obv he hashis issues and finds its easier to cut and run than to "improve" a sitch.

It sounds like you are doing well though. I also like the bit about the ring...good advice.

As for your sitch, again watch the pursuing, be busy, dont take every call or reply to texts immediately. Do find a good FT or MC and utilize them to set the example.

I read this over at MB's

"I want you to listen to me for once in your life. You messed up big time, you broke the vows you made to me, you made to yourself, and you made to our families, not to mention God. All that has happened is a consequence of your choices and actions. If you don't like the consequences stop the behavior. I am standing here because I believe in forgiveness and our marriage. I will not stand here much longer being blamed for decisions I had no part in and no say in."