Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Wife in love with another man, I need help

ok, what is GALing? I have the surviving an affair book. I took my ring off recently as well. Part of me wants to save the marriage and another part of me don't. It takes 2 people to work on a marriage and all she wants is a divorce. like I said, I have been going on with my friends, ignoring her and moving on with my life without her. I want my old wife back not the person she has become now. I could not love the person she is now.

So you think I should keep going out with friends, having a good time and moving on with my life? like I said i am never mean to her or argue with her I just don't talk to her. she tries to talk to me but I keep my words as short as possible.

The GALing is (Getting A Life) exactly what you've been doing w/ your friends. Dim is also what you've been doing- not kissing her butt, letting her deal w/ her own consequences, not calling, texting, pursuing.

Like P17 said- you are getting better results b/c of this- she is being nicer.

I think you should keep doing what you are doing. If you have not set the boundary of not having an "open marriage" or "sharing your wife", I would establish that.

Allen, and Puppy give great advice

I have set the boundry and fully let her know that I do not want her being with him or any other man. How else could I let her know that I am not open to this? She never talks about him in front of me, and everytime I find out they are talking I contact his wife and it usually puts a stop to it for awhile.
For 2 months I had TOTALLY been kissing her butt. I was doing EVERYTHING for her and everytime she mentioned D I would say "I don't want a divorce I want to save our marriage" so she was telling everyone I was in denial.

Now that I have taken my ring off, been going out with friends, ignoring her and moving on with my life I think she gets the point that I accept that it's over. I don't exactly want it to be over, but I'm not going to kill myself by wondering what she is doing 24/7 then getting CRUSHED everytime I find out they are talking again, or she is telling her friends she wants divorce etc...

So should I talk to her about all of this, and say "I am moving on with my life and I'm not going to continue living like this. I am not up for commiting adultery or sharing you with anyone, thats why we need to either get this D or work on our marriage not the in between we are living now. So either you go file like you have been saying for the passed 2.5 months or I will, or we can both agree to work on our marriage" OR should I just keep living my life like I am now and not mention anything and just let her come to me?

I am in a bad situation. like I said she is the only one working and I got to school full time. we live in her aunt's house, so D = I lose all my insurance, my gas and food money, I will be the one forced to move out, I will only see my kids half as much as I do now, and the list goes on.....

If I can bare it, I'm better off staying in the house with her because, I see my kids everyday, I have gas, food, etc... money, I have all my insurances.... This is one of the reasons I haven't filed. I would also like to save my marriage if I ever thought she could be the same person I fell in love with again.
I really just don't know what to do anymore, thats why I came here
How can I further establish the boundry of not sharing her and not having an open marriage without it being like I'm telling her what to do?

Well here's the thing-

What I've learned from reading posts from members like Puppy, and Rob is that if you've already established the boundary, there is no need to repeat it.

In my sitch- I wish I had the fortitude to, at the initial collapse and her ready to bolt- I say to her, "I love you, I care about you, I do want to save this M- I understand how we've gotten to this point...if you need your time, take it- but I will not share you w/ another man and I will only work on this w/ you if he is out of your life-

If you can say something like that one time and one time only- and NEVER speak of it again, but go about your life and detach- I think it leaves a lasting impression.


I'm not great at this and some of the people I mentioned may not like what I wrote- the good news is I didn't get to say it to W- what I did has been WAY more pathetic.

So- if you've established the boundary and she knows you view of the M and disagreeing w/ D- you don't need to say a word- your actions are what she sees- she won't hear anything you say, plus you've already said it, so she knows.


I would keep busting the A when you see it-

BTW does her Aunt know? Her family? Etc...

You actually are doing a great job and it seems that at least she's being "nice" again...

ok, here's the deal :

You have children, and you DID make a commitment to them and your marriage. Just becuase it hurts right now and that you feel like you might want out is NOT a reason to LEAVE anymore than it is a reason to cheat.

Cheating is just another form of walking out...

I can't tell you STAY and give it the ole college try, but ... From my reading here you have enough invested in this that i WOULD take a larger look at things.

I will make some points here :

1. Ignore what your wife is telling you.

2. Your wife is goign to say EVERYTHING she can to HURT you right now... she's miserable and acting out

3. Sexual affairs are ADDICTIONS... your wife is addicted right now and likley experiencing some withdrawal if she hasn't actually contacted him.

4. KEEP in CLOSE contact with OMW. Talk to her EVERY DAY.... she is a HUGE ally here and you do NOT want to gt on her bad side... SHARE INTEL with her EVERY DAY. If your wife went out, tell OMW what time she left and what time she came back... exchange info.. you can keep tabs on your spouses this way

5. Put your ring back on... if YOU do'nt know if you want out, you need to keep the ring on... just because your wife is hurting you is NOT a reason to remove that... its just giving her LICENSE to CHEAT... if she sees no ring on your finger, she figures she has no obligation to maintain commitment to you sexually.

6. YOu need to send ONE SOLID message ot your wife, right now you are al over hte place

a. you took your ring off
b. you told your wife you want your marrriage
c. you crushed her affair
d. you cleaned up after her for months
e. you threw every name you could think of at her

Dude, right now she has NO IDEA where you are at and that is why SHE is so messed up...

When YOU set a SOLID CLEAR example of COMMITMENT, she will start following your LEAD

My advice is to set an example of commitment, start seeing a family therapist (even alone is fine, it shows her commitment on your part), even if you don't want to rebuild, you have explored what it means and at least KNOW...

Its ok if you wife wants out, but she needs to EARN her way out and she needs to leave through teh FRONT door like an ADULT, not through the back door like a wreckless child throwing a tantrum

More to come later

I was considering putting my ring back on, I think I will do that until everything is said and done.

I don't know what you are studying at school, but you need to do some research on addiction... affairs are addictions...

You need to keep CLOSE contact with OMW.

What kind of arrangement do you have with OM at all?

Has he promised to stay away from your wife? You need to go to OMW's house and talk to her to get HIM to commit to his wife and to stay away from yours.. if he WILL do that that's great... you have to keep an EYE on him still, but if he knows you are fighting for your marriage and his wife is too he may just leave your wife alone...

You need to keep in the middle of thi saffair, keep sticking your nose into it... do NOT trust that its going to just go away, you need to MONITOR this for at LEAST the next six months.

Keep tabs on your wife, get EVERYONE marriage-friendly to support you adn watch her as well...

Do NOT pursue your wife to commit to M or counselling... just go yourself and keep the affair out of your marriage for now...

Your wife needs at LEAST three months to get him out of her system before she's going to look at you twice... but they DO come back, your old wife WILL come back if you give her hte time and do the work.

She is in an ADDICTION right now... you need to maybe watch a TV show called INTERVENTION.. its a good sample of showing how people are during addiction.. it will give you hope and keep you from judging her harshly right now.

Intervention... and research addiction.

Ideally if you can get OM to tell your OW he will NOT have anythign to do with her anymroe that's best.. he is married and has kids right?

I don't expect you to become CHUMS with him, but work with his wife VERY CLOSELY to make sure everything is OVER... and MONITOR for the next six months.

Good idea... you need to send ONE and ONLY one message to your wife :

a. I'm in
b. I'm out

the ring says I'm in...

You dont' have to be IN forever, but you DO need to be IN and explore that POST affair for at least six months before you decide if you are in or out.. you cannot judge that right now while everything is a mess...

You have a responsability to children and a wife that FAR TRANSCENDS how horrible you feel right now... and I HAVE been there .. I know it hurts..

Ok, the ring is back on, i'm not sure if she even noticed I had it off, but it's back on. I am going to still be ignoring her but be nice when she comes to me, it seems to work the best. I have been trying to mess up the affair ever since it started and her family is AGAINST her being with him but they accept its over with us.. they know I don't want the divorce. and even just tonight for the first time since the A my wife invited me to go out with her and the kids to get easter clothes. So thats where I am off to now