I have been sifting through the boards for weeks, and have come across and devoured a lot of this stuff (esp. the Stages)...but it's great to have it all together in one place so that I can copy it for intensive reading.
I will be reading this stuff tomorrow afternoon & when I'm on the plane Sat!...now for my dancing class, which was something I WAS into even before all of this started (see, I already HAD a life!).
I am sooooo very grateful for this community of DBers!
I get it: DETACH. Act 'as if' and keep moving forward with my life, renegotiating our relationship as the best friends that we have been from the beginning.
You got it; PLUS, detaching, to me, also means NOT getting sucked up in his drama, being able to look at it from the shoes of someone on the OUTSIDE of it all, instead of being within the situation, and lost in all the fallout that occurs.
Congratulations, you've got the majority of the battle, now you're out the try and win the war...being just fine no matter what happens with your marriage. You WILL get there; you're on the right road toward healing and wholeness.
That is a hard place to get to. Many people think that the MLC spouse should leave to sort this out. Some, however, do NOT, but create enough of a HUGE emotional distance between themselves and the LBS, attempting to sever the ties, that they may as well have left physically. They are already gone, mentally.
Their feelings are buried somewhere deep within, but still there, the connection almost non-existent for quite some time while they sort themselves out.
It looks to me at this point in time, like he's looking for a 'girlfriend' instead of a wife or a mother...and you can fit that bill to meet his changing needs at this time of his life. That's actually the FUN part of this; when you can "flirt" with him, get along with him, be his friend, draw him back, Girlfriend! You become the "girlfriend" first, then later his wife once again; that doesn't come for quite awhile down the road. Being a girlfriend isn't so bad, though, it's the first step to "re-becoming" his wife. My husband actually TOLD me at one point he had taken me as his "girlfriend", and it floored me at first..but I was told that was much better than for him to say I was his mother, LOL!! He did let me know much later on when I became his wife within his eyes once again..and it was a LONG time coming. Until then, I was content to be his "girl".
Be there when he needs you, be prepared to hear more of what's in his mind; that you KNOW aren't true, but perceptions get skewed and altered during MLC. Sort the garbage when you need to, the truth is in there, but nearly buried in their "spewing".
You seem to be a very low key and fairly laid back person in spite of what has all happened....of course, you're exhausted and terrified; this is very understandable; you're honestly afraid if you say the wrong thing, he'll run again.
Play it by ear, believing NONE of what he says, and only about half of his actions..but those actions speak much louder than what he's saying.
I was smiling as I read his "excuse" for moving back; allow him to think this is HIS idea, not yours if/when he comes back. I believe he will, but he's afraid of things not changing,(one of the major fears in MLC, mostly unfounded if the LBS "gets it", but the MLC'er doesn't know that) just as you're somewhat afraid he's never going to come out of this whole. (If/when he comes out, he will be changed, not exactly the same man you knew, but better than what you had. You said he was a good man, beforehand, but we can ALL stand to improve in all areas of our lives, and MLC was more or less designed to bring forth that change into better people, if the MLC'er allows it to. )
I honestly think he wants to move back in, but doesn't exactly want to take the blame for having moved out; but it WAS his decision to leave in the first place. I know what he said, BUT, I remember every time I started agreeing with my husband when he was in MLC, the next thing I knew he was arguing the OTHER direction.
Keep your focus on yourself, and just half-watch him, understanding it takes time to finish this out. I've been down that road, came out, turned around and went through the tunnel myself. I also took the journey to wholeness, faced my issues; came out BETTER than I was before.
It seems to take them no time to tear lives apart and a long time to "come back" and help to bring it all back together, but some do. It actually looks good from what I'm reading on your situation...you're moving on, and in a way, he really doesn't want you to go so far you "get away from him". I quite honestly get the feeling he really doesn't want to lose you...but he's hurting so deeply within, and that is demanding his focus, yet he really doesn't want to look at that..and wishy-washy, he definitely IS.
I also have the feeling you have all things in hand, and just needed a reassurance you're doing all right; all of us need that, sometimes, especially when we're not sure of where we are.
Patience is definitely a virtue in this trial.
You're doing, fine, SH, I promise you are.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks for the encouragement! Of course, inside, I am often reeling...but trying to stay clear eyed & rational to the best of my ability. There is way too much stuff to in the house to imagine cramming it all into a tiny apartment with two cats (since it seems I MUST imagine and even - ouch! - embrace this possibility now). So, I'm trying my best to do what I gotta do!
I still cry too - every day for one reason or another (a song, a memory, my cats missing their 'Pop' and looking worried, you name it!). But, one of the wisest things that I ever did - on the day he left - a great friend came over and helped me gather up all marriage and wedding stuff and gifts he ever gave me into boxes which were put away. This memory stuff will not come out until we BOTH decide where things will be placed again. We also put all of 'his' stuff into the guestroom (he took the guest bed, but left most of that stuff behind..hmmmm).
I knew that this was a marathon from the start and that acting 'as if' (it really IS over, I really am prepared to move on and live my life) is serious business. I figure that I have to buck up (for the most part) and be prepared!
I cannot tell you how honored and happy I am to hear from you! Your endorsement & encouragement means a lot.
I copied and pasted your words to read and re-read as I continue to give my all to this journey. With all the turmoil, I believe that I have indeed gotten to a place where I do feel 'laid back' and not desperate and needy anymore (but you shoulda seen me in the beginning!). I still let the tears come privately and with close family and friends...but I know what NOT to do and I am trusting the advice here, my instincts and inner strength, and my research skills on the rest...
I will continue to check in to make sure that I am on track (and not going out of my mind!) as I continue this 'dance'.
Well...today is the day he is taking me to the airport (picking me up in an hour). He'll be staying at our house for two nights while I am away. He has been deciding whether or not to return ("for financial reasons") and stay in the guestroom while we get the house ready for sale, but is skeptical that I take seriously his unwillingness to work on restoring our marriage (and not try to 'persuade him'). I haven't seen him in a week (when he came and did laundry here last Saturday), but I have reassured him that I am 'at peace' with his decision, if still in shock by the whole WAS thing (he signed a year lease on an apartment and skated on 2/5).
I am looking good in a biz suit, wearing make-up (which I almost NEVER do - a physical 180 anyway!) and I have lost a whopping 30 pounds since he left a month ago (three cheers for the MLC diet!). I feel calm and happy even, since I know that the cats (our 'kids') will get some time with their 'Pop' while I'm away & I'm doing the LBS journey-work to the best of my ability.
I hope that the fine folks on the BB will send prayers and strength that I may maintain my calm, confident, friendly attitude for the short drive to the airport and that I continue to keep this with me when he picks me up and 10 o'clock on Monday night for the return.
I will continue to watch the BB for insights while I am away and continue with journaling and personal work on this DB quest for wholeness & healing...
Keep your end goal in mind. It will help you 'act as if'.
The good ole MLC diet. Easiest one I've ever been on. lol
Hopefully your business trip will help take your mind off your sitch for a while and give you a break. I'm always happy to have my mind occupied by other things. Keeping busy (GALing)helps.
Remember that coming out of the MLC tunnel is not a quick fix. Lots of twists and turns, forwards and back. When you are able to step back and watch from the sidelines it becomes easier to deal with.
Have a safe trip. Keep your focus on your work and then in the evening, enjoy a little time away by yourself.
SA has given you some very wise advice. When the time comes and you can step back and watch from the sidelines, you will have a better understanding of all that he has said and done. The twists and turns, ups and downs, can really get to you, but you've managed to detach just enough to give him the same he needs and also you have remained extremely calm about all of this. Let's hope and pray that the space and time will heal his soul and return him to you a more mature man.
Travel safely and take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
New thread ahead...unbelievable (well...it is MLC afterall!) revelation tonight.
SH
Me 42 H39 M 10 years, T 12.75 years MLC began spring 2009 ILYBNILWY 1/18/10 WAS 2/5/10 EA revealed 3/6/10 EA ended (by her) 3/7/10 M - DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
