IMHO....Hold off on the move. That is a very large decisions which will impact many facets of your wife. Take some time to breathe and regain your composure some.
Also if you fear that NC will be hard living where you are at now...some of us have done it living in the same house...so it is possible.
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.I would also suggest you read the entire thread as many good comments come from other people.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Also you can read some threads of people start to finish as it can really help you with your journey.
Thank you. I read all the resources and had been reading a lot before I started by story. I dont know what else to do. I feel like moving is a way of taking care of ME and in doing so I am taking care of the children. IF I stay here and watch what will unfold, as he is divorcing me, he will do it ion my face, can I bare it, NO.... Just hearing him say he was interested in someone else while we are still married HURT like crazy. I think of the children, what if he has them around other woman too soon while he is in this confused state? I dont know, I feel like my entire family is there, all of them 3 sets of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, 100+ cousins...and its just us here....we used to be with Daddy but now he is gone, so its me and the kids.... WHY am I staying? For him.? I am committed to him and this marriage in my heart and will wait years as I know it takes that long....but WHY do I need to stick around and watch it. I am busy on me, in Alanon, counseling twice a week, read everything written on this, co dependency, detachment, etc. Drawing closer to God, very involved in my walk with God... I work out, I have always taken good care of myself.
He is SO ILL..... He has been in the ER for days, at appointments, I think he has a bleeding Ulcer. He had a panic attack the other day, chest all tight, nasuea, he thought he was having a heart attack, he went to the ER, doctors yesterday and again this am. I left him on my Co. insurance because he has NO money and I knew he was ill..... He Thanks me and wants to give me a HUG for it. He is always SICK, complaining of feeling awful, cant sleep etc... complains about bills, says if its not one thing its another and vents to me about it like I made this choice....!!!! but yet this is supposed to be the life right? Makes NO sense at all.
Don't try to make sense of it, it will drive you crazy.
It sux to be here, but you are in a good place. There are a lot of good people here to help you through this difficult time. You've already gotten some great advice. Detach from his rollercoaster, take care of yourself and focus on your kids. You will come out of this a better person if you use this time wisely. Patience.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
He calls me today telling me about his results of his medical tests, not good... he seems worried. Says he knows he needed to get them done as I have been asking him for years and the problem is now worse.
He sounds very kind and loving and gentle on the phone, like the man I fell in love with...
Tells me how he wants to make sure I am okay and taken care of, that he still considers me his Best Friend and that he cares about me a lot... UGH
When he comes over to see the kids, he wants to hug me, Although I love to feel close to him, this is HARD for me... I miss him.
Its almost easier when he is MEAN to me...
He sounds so confused about what in the world he is doing. I just say, " I understand". I try to be compassionate. I don't ask questions. I leave him alone.
Sounds like you're doing what's necessary for now..the more you push/ask questions, the further they run.
I had the feeling earlier you were looking for someone to "tell" you what to do, and none of us can do that; we're not you, and the decisions such as they are, fall on you; though we can advise.
I have no experience with younger children in MLC, neither would I advise moving or not moving away. That's on you and what you may think is best for your situation.
I would suggest you take it easy on yourself and don't make any rash decisions at this point..you've had such a hard shock.
When your mind begins to clear, a direction will come; and I'm advising again, you'll need to begin to get the focus OFF him and onto you and your family. You cannot help him; I know you love him, but you must let him go to do what he thinks he has to do. That also means let go and let God work in this situation.
The main thing for now is to take care of YOU.
I've BEEN in your shoes; not the same situation, but dealt with MLC, and the shock is horrendous, your life is in shambles.
Allow yourself some time to absorb the shock; don't do anything during this time except pray and begin seeing that you're not at fault for what's happened.
You're worried sick about your husband; but don't let this bring you down so far that you're unable to care for your family. You and the children are what's important right now.
Will check in again.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
R2: So sorry to hear about your situation. What a nightmare. I sincerely wish you strength, courage, and compassion (both for yourself and your husband; he sounds like a real mess).
I am well past my D now. It's oh so hard, and you must take it one day at a time. Life unfolds in ways we cannot see, and I believe we must give up trying to control things we cannot control. That includes our spouses. If they want to leave us, they will, and sadly there is not much we can do to change that. As others on these boards say, the one thing we can control is ourselves, if we are willing to take a good hard look at ourselves and learn from this situation. What is it you want to learn? You may not be able to answer that yet, but keep that question in your mind.
When I was in your shoes, the key was to GAL. That was a one day at a time affair. I found myself focusing on what I could do that day. Some days were miserable, but over time I learned things about myself and life that I never imagined I would. I discovered new interests and parts of myself I did not knew existed. That felt good. This is your journey, and it will be unique in many ways. But learn from those here too, for there are similarities.
M Go Blue offered a powerful reminder to all of us when he encouraged us to remember that we are more than husbands and wives. Perhaps one of your growth opportunities on this painful road will be to figure out who you are separate from being a wife. For me, that was a difficult but rewarding journey.
Do not make the decision about moving or not moving at this time. Do not make any major decisions while you're emotionally distressed. Do not make any decisions based on what that message from was about...it was nothing but horse puckey being said by someone that is only looking out for his own happiness at this time (and he probably doesn't have a clue what would/will make him happy)
There may come a day that you feel that you and your family need the support and even-keel life that you might have if you moved back to your family. Certainly kids can benefit from an environment that is sound, less stressful, and more routine..but that is something that can be decided down the road..by YOU, not by the WAS.
I fully understand your commitment to standing for your marriage. Just remember that standing doesn't mean standing still...you'll still have to make decisions down the road that are for YOUR benefit and for your kid(s). You will have separate yourself from the emotional side, and conduct some decisions in a business like way. Just make sure you are making decisions when you are not being overly emotional from what you will be struggling with in the relationship.
Your children will see the strength you gain as you go through this time in your life. You can't protect them from everything, unfortunately, but you can show them the strength that comes from faith. And that's the most important lesson you can show them through example.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Round 2, I have been extremely hesitant to post to you because my take on your situation is a bit different than most.
From what you posted in your very first posting, there were red flags that went up for me. You see, I think your h has never fully navigated any of his life's transitions, starting from the age of puberty till now.
He grew up in a very difficult environment where alcohol was the numbing factor for both of his parents. I suspect his parents were not very loving and especially his mother. Your h has a commitment phobia and this phobia is one whereby he is constantly searching for a "mother's love". He is in love w/the "love" element and the euphoria that he receives from each new partner that he meets sends him on a high that he feels will be there forever. Once he has married the woman and the humdrum of the normal life begins and children come along, the wife's focus begins to turn to the children. Your h then begins to feel abandoned and feels like he is in competition w/the children. Thus, the leaving of the spouse and family once again. As for the second marriage, again, seeking the love of a "mother figure" and when the euphoria wore off and the day-to-day humdrum began again, he was out searching once again. Whenever the spouse's full attention is diverted from him, that is when he begins to disengage int he relationship and start his search once again. The pattern continues to repeat itself and I find it quite interesting that with each new relationship, he stays a bit longer. It could be that he's growing up just a little bit w/each one. I can't help but wonder what his "script" was to the first two wives. I suspect he told them basically the same things that he has told you. He cannot admit to himself that he has a problem that needs to be dealt with. He cannot look in the mirror and say "I have been married three times, what am I looking for?"
At mid life, all of this has come crashing down around him. He is now searching for the answers to his unrest and why he is doing or done the things he's done. I'm not at all surprised that he's in a relationship w/his mother. For that is where his journey needed to begin...he never had his mother's love, i.e., his mother may not have been a loving mother to him as a child. He had to go back to that time and yes, he had to forge a relationship w/her now in order to move forward.
As for the self-medications in his life....he watched what transpired in his life as a young boy and saw how his own parents dealt w/life and the pain and suffering that went along w/it. History has a way of repeating itself. I do hope that he can remain clean and can find his way back to you. It's going to be a long journey for the both of you. He's got a lot of ground to cover in order to understand why he's doing and done the things he's done in his life. I hope and pray that he will come to realize that you are the lighthouse in his storm and will want to return to you when his journey has been completed.
I would suggest that you pick up a copy of the book called Silent Sons. I think it would help you to better understand the journey that your h has made thus far in his life.
The most important thing right now is that you take care of yourself and your children. Your h cannot help you right now for he has absolutely nothing to give of himself. His focus is on himself and what he can do to make himself feel better.
If he is not strong enough to break the cycle during his mid life transition, he may never understand himself or why he continues moving from one relationship to another and that only his mother can provide the motherly love and nourishment he is seeking,i.e., the love of a spouse is so different from a mother's love. During this time, he will need to accept all that has transpired and forgive those who have stunted his emotional growth so long ago.
Round 2, I really do hope that I am wrong in my assessment. I hope and pray that he will return to you a better man once his journey is completed.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it. I do not know if your assessment is correct or not, but it does make a lot of sense to me.
His relationship with his first wife was a very unhealthy one where they both used drugs and only married because of his son. He has angry and bitter feelings toward his 1st ex wife.
His second wife came directly after his first and she was a little older, she has children of her own and she was NOT welcoming of his son and this caused a lot of issues with that marriage. They were together a long time but only married two years.
And then there was me.... and yes I feel that I have taken the 'brunt' of it all. With the bitterness and resentment from these other woman, to include his mother. He has admitted when we have done a couple counseling spirts that he was acting out at me because of 'triggers' that he would see me exibit that reminded him of his mother.
Their relationship has always been one where he will curse her out and hang up on her. She always called drunk and that angered him. She was married 5 times. She always had a NEW GUY in the picture and eventually his Grandma( His Moms Mom) raised him. She was too an alcoholic but was the love of HIS LIFE./... She meant everything to him and she dies about 3 years ago... This devastated him, but he seems rather numb to it after awhile. I think he never dealt with it, as he never dealt with anything else.
His Mother always made him feel like the men were more important to her and his Father just was never there. He had remarried and had three kids of his own with the new wife and those kids ( his half brothers and sisters) whom he also HATES...became his Dads life. He always felt like he wasnt good enough and felt abandoned. He basically became THIS MAN on his own..
I am curious, when you made your assessment, do you think he has left me to find a NEW WIFE versus being in midlife crisis? I thought for sure he was in replay, given leaving me 14 months ago and moving in with that woman, cycling ( which was his love for years) re-doing that old life so to speak... Then coming back after 2 months and realizing he loved me. Then leaving again in Dec, new friends, looking up old friends from 10 years ago and wanting to hang out with them again, new music, new hair style change, hallow eyes,panic attacks, mood swings by the hour, etc.....
I look forward to your feedback. I know I can do nothing for him, but have compassion and be kind. I know this is HIS ISSUE and I have come to a place that I would MUCH rather see him GET WELL inside ( as he has been sick and hurting our entire marriage) than I would him be MINE again.... I want for him so badly to have peace.
