Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Wife in love with another man, I need help

Hi guys,
I'm new here. I had previously been trying the Marriage builders techniques for 2 months with NO results. Here is my situation in a nut shell and I'm sure I'm leaving something out. me and my wife were having marital problems. I was rude, criticizing and mean to her because she would always fuss, nag and be rude to me, so it became an endless cycle.
We still did things together and had fun together as a family (We have 2 kids together, a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl) We were still intimate, but we rarely did anything together without the kids.

So she meets a guy at work and he is also having marital problems. this is no surprise he is 10 years older than her and has been married 3 times. He has 2 kids from 2 of his marriages. I am 27 my wife is 23 and he is 33. So they began talking about their problems together and started being there for each other. One thing lead to another after 2 months and she fell in love with him and had sex with him.
I know they only met up 1 time for sex because I found out through a keylogger and they talked about how much they wanted to do it again.

SO I read up a little on plan 180 and thats what I'm trying to do. I could use any advice and help you all can offer.
Thank you.

Also I forgot to mention,
I want to save the marriage and she doesn't. She is still in love with him. No I have exposed to EVERYONE including the other mans wife. There was an entire month that went by where there was no contact between the 2 of them and they he started texting her. I blocked his number from her phone without them knowing. I still have a feeling they are talking somehow though I could be wrong. When I noticed them start talking again I instantly told his wife and I think it may have put a stop to it again.

I was being overly nice and following MB plan A to perfection but it got me nowhere. Now, I am going out with friends, moving on with my life and pretty much ignoring her. I am still nice and kind, but I no longer do ANYTHING for her. I used to wash her dishes and her clothes, clean up her messes etc.. now I clean mine and the kids messes, wash mine and the kids dishes and laundry and leave hers.

I am a full time student and she is the only one working. We live in her aunt's house. I want to stick to a plan that actually works and it seems the more I ignore her and move on with my life the nicer she becomes. I would still like to save our marriage but at the same time my love for her is almost gone.

We still live in the same house, I still see her everyday, she works from home now so she no longer works with the other man.

My first question is, were you intimate with your wife AFTER she had sex with OM? If so, you need to get STD tests.

Is she aware that you know about OM?

Have you gone to counselling?



It takes two to start a marriage. It takes two to keep a marriage going. It takes two to break it up. It only takes one to have an affair. Short of abuse, drugs or violence, there is NO excuse for an A. End of story.

Stop blaming yourself.

I agree, nothing I done justifies her having an A. I was NEVER abusive or violent, I just had a bad temper when she would nag me all the time and I would say some mean things. She is FULLY aware I know about OM. Remember my posts said I told EVERYONE and I confronted her the day I found out and I yelled and screamed and called her every name imaginable but I later apologized.
No counselling, I cannot afford it, but I do go to church and have ALOT of friends I talk to about it.

And no, there has been no sex since they had sex.

Is there no 'counselling' you could get through the church? Not being a church person I couldn't say what, or who to speak to.

My advice is for the two of you to sit down and speak about this, or at least try to. You don't mention anything about what she wants to do - is she still in love with OM? Does she want to work on the M? Does she want to D? Is she still in contact with OM?

What does she SAY she wants?

She is not willing to go to any counselling, she only says she wants a divorce. She is still in love with him, She does not want to work on our marriage, and as for contact with him I don't know.

What has she done about the D?

Nothing, she hasn't even talked to an attorney. See, she was in jeopardy of losing her job last month so thats why she said she didn't file. Now she is in the same boat this month. Her family is going to pay for her to get the D. She said she wants to see how things work out with her job before she files...

You say you want to save your marriage but your love for her is almost gone - those two confuse me and while they make sense to me (as I've been there) you need to decide if it's the right thing you want to do.

Do you have the MB books? If not, get them. Read them. And DB her ass off.

How much did you tell OM's wife? Did you tell her everything including they had sex? Are you in contact with her regularly? What is her take on things?

Everything you have done so far - GALing, going dim - has produced the result that she is being 'nicer' to you, as it's supposed to. I would continue down this path.

However, you need to establish some boundaries and find out if she is still in contact with OM.