Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

CG, I think we were posting at the same time last night. You suggest that I file and don't tell him? Just have him served with the papers?

KerryK, my heart just sank when I read your post - thinking about how long this has gone on - OMGosh I feel like such a doormat for not doing something earlier. It kind of feels like 1/2 of me hates my H for what he has done and yet the other 1/2 still wants to be hopeful.

I'll be back to comment on the rest of the posts/questions. DD and I have appointments to get our hair cut.

Courts ~
Keep doing what you're doing and nothing will change. You'll still be sad and at loose ends about your M and Life. You'll still be counting condoms in his jacket pocket. You'll still feel desperate. How's that sounding to you?

Or...

You can sit that man down and say, "I have decided that this arrangement is not what I want. I know you are having an A. You will either stop your A and come home to work on our M, or I will see my lawyer and divorce you." There are only two things to consider for him - restoring his M or you will end it. Period.

Let him choose and then you will act.

There will be NO DISSOLVING INTO TEARS with FEAR and SADNESS. Stand up for yourself and your daughter and your M and your dignity and WHAT IS RIGHT.

Or stay in Limbo-hell.

Greek

Sorry to hear your story and that you find yourself here. Listen to KerryK and Kalni -- we all arrived here post-bomb around the same time. I know them well and they give good advice. In my own sitch, W didn't reconcile until I had firm plans to move away and start a new job/life. Your H will never look back if all that is there is needy/clingy.

Get an attorney and make copies of everything.

Go to said attorney and DO NOT tell him you have gone or are going. Get the advice, follow his/her advice and DO NOT allow your emotions to keep yourself from following the advice. I got a TOP NOTCH divorce attorney and her told me this on the first call: "Look, I have done 2500 divorces and there is NOTHING I haven't seen or heard in terms of behavior. What I do know is that its common for people at a point in their lives to want or think they want change. This is the time you need to protect yourself and do this on your behalf but also your kids. After all, if your spouse made this bad decision then they can make others." He also said "I am not your mom, your therapist, or your best friend--but I am your legal advisor and if you listen to me I will exploit your wife's guilt right now on yours and the kids behalf." He said "most people don't follow my advice and regret it. If you split up and and get divorced then you cna always come see me later for a pre nup. I have done many of those too out of the 2500 divorces."

If you look at my signature you'll see my sitch moved rather quickly--or maybe I did. I just made up my mind and told my wife that tehre would be no long drawn out separation. I asked her what kind of affair she wanted and she said what kinds are there? I said

1. Sep's of discernement to see if we want to be divorced or married. That means no intimacy with others and seeing others and dating otherwise its pointless.
2. Sep's that are a mutually agreed path to moving toward divorce and everyone knows it.
3. Sep's of perpetuity that are for people who don't want to be married OR divorced.

She said # 1 and I busted her on a date 4 days later and was divorced 20 days after that.

Do you have money available for a retainer that he would not see missing--a relative/parents/etc..? I had an employee stock purchase account that my wife didn't pay attention to and was able to pull the money from marital property and get the divorce. She was SO BUSTED and guilty and smitten with the OM and wanted out SO bad that she didn't get an attorney. In fact, she paid half for the very attorney that got me such an attractive settlement.

Hang in there--the husband is not there now so you have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.

Scott

I am attracted to strong women!

Yes, I am suggesting you get an attny (or use the one you have) and simply file for the divorce.

There is no reason to give your H a "heads up" about your intentions. You are simply doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your child.

If he makes noise about it simply tell him any further communication will need to take place between attnys. He treats you like this because you allow him to.

Kalni,
Yes, you got it...he is not admitting an A. I still wonder why not. I guess it doesn't matter, but seriously what is the point of continuing to lie about it or avoid answering any questions about it? If he's choosing her over me, why lie?

Through a text I have told him (in response to a question he asked me) that I would consider reconciliation after an A if & only if I was told the absolute truth & the A was immediately ended & serious work was done to restore any kind of trust. But again, everything I say to him falls on deaf ears. And I haven't backed that statement up.

You are right...he's not going to make a decision until I do. He has the best of both worlds - gets to eat a crazy amount of cake. It's so sick! I am enabling him to stall.

I have gone back and forth and tried to decide which choice has the worst consequences - but honestly, I was looking at my choices without acknowledging the A. What I mean is - I was thinking, although this is no way to live (apart from my H), things are not totally horrible...DD & I have a roof over our heads, food on the table, I'm able to spend time with her and raise her (don't have to put her in daycare) and that sort of thing. I guess I was trying to convince myself that this situation although very difficult, frustrating and painful was better than a divorce which would possibly lead to - financial struggles, being away from DD a huge amount of time, custody battles, etc. I felt like a divorce would take away the little bit of control I actually do have (mostly relating to DD). IDK if that makes sense to anyone, but that's how I felt. But again, when I was looking at the consequences of my choices - I was ignoring the A and what it is doing to me emotionally. It's like bc I hadn't actually seen the two of them in the act - I wouldn't allow myself to believe it or accept it. But, there is no denying it any longer. It's my new reality.

Kalni - you asked what kind of person is my husband. He is a hard worker - has worked 2 jobs for the majority of our marriage. He is an excellent provider. With that being said he works hard, but also likes to play hard. He often acts more like a 21 y/o than a 34 y/o. IMO he drinks & gambles too much. I think he acts immature and selfish.

He's always been pretty supportive of me and I thought he was committed. We had one issue of dishonesty in the past when the young receptionist at his work was calling him asking for relationship advice. He lied about the calls. Why he lied when it was innocent, IDK. But I did find out from his boss's wife, it wasn't anything bad.

Prior to the last 17 months, I would say he was pretty dedicated to his family. Again, he provided for us, was the kind of dad that would change diapers, help wash bottles, supported me when I started mommy & me swim classes and such. He does a history though of wanting to go out a little too much. He comes from a good, close family. As far as I know they all want us to make this work. But they do NOT know about the A. In the beginning, his mom was really supportive. She thought he was just being negatively influenced by his boss who gambles too much. Well once H told her he was unhappy - she felt sorry for him. Nobody in his family or anywhere else will call him out on his behavior. His parents are too afraid he'll shut them out if they speak up. And most of our friends don't even know what's going on (that he doesn't live here). I'm a pretty private person and I guess I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I just didn't want to deal with everyone knowing my business. I have enough to deal with.

H and I have never really fought much. In fact, that annoys me bc he want fight with me (to work through things out) & he won't fight for me.

I get what you are saying about having H keep DD on his wkends. It's too easy when he just comes here, eats the dinners I cook and has me to help with her. Again, I'm enabling him. But I was really trying to protect her. Maybe I do need to reconsider. Everything is too easy for him.

I like what you and Greek suggest - to sit him down and have a serious discussion letting him know I know everything. His 2 options include - restoring our marriage or divorce. When I have this talk with him - do I bring any of my "evidence"? I also have a log of all the time he's spent with DD since he moved out and much beer he drinks when he comes to visit (which I think is inappropriate). I guess I just want him to know he's up $hit creek without a paddle. I know the $ thing will hit him hard. Last yr, he made 9 times more than I made. It was a joint decision for me to work part time and spend the majority of my time with DD.

I have another question. Why does he bug me with random text messages? Is that his way of throwing me some crumbs? Like, "Oh I haven't talked to Courtney in a day or so, I better ask if she's working today" or whatever.

As for my life - besides work, most of the things I do are with DD. I also attend and volunteer at church. I have plenty of friends, but need to spend more time with them. I'm getting ready to start working on certification for a personal trainer. When I work, DD goes to a sitter that lives 2 streets behind us. I do need to do more things for myself and one of those is getting out of limbo hell.

"Do you have money available for a retainer that he would not see missing--a relative/parents/etc..?" Not really, I'd have to put in on a credit card. He wouldn't know about it though, bc the card is in my name. $2600 is a lot of stick on a credit card though.

I do have some $ in a savings accout in my name, but I don't want to pull it out.

When I had a meeting before, my attorney said we could ask that H has to pay my legal fees.

I did not suggest a DISCUSSION. I suggested that you tell him what you have decided. There is nothing to discuss, Courts. He either ends the A and commits to his family, or you divorce him. He would LOVE to discuss this - swear that there is no A, that you are insecure and crazy, blah, blah, blah.

You do not NEED to bring the EVIDENCE. You BOTH know what's what, Courts.

There is one order of business with him right now and that is: Will you be married to Courts or not? Lay the boundary down for him and then enforce it. You will not be in an open marriage.

Greek

Got it, Greek.