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Hey Coach

I can't speak for pigskin, but for me, the kids are probably the uderlying fear of losing my marriage. Fear is not good, I know, and I am getting better but I can't shake it. I don't want to see them only 50% of the time. How do I turn that fear into strength to fight for what I know is best for all of us?

Sorry for the hijack, pig.

Coach,

On that note, say if we do take charge, show we're the better choice, etc. But the WAS continues to act like an entitled brat? And continues to make up stuff in their fogged out brain? Do we gently but firmly correct them or do we continue to let them stay delusional, destroying everything around us?

Can't talk for Coach, but I did everything I could to protect yourself both legally and emotionally. Self-preservation is the most basic of human instincts.

You're right, Coach. I think it was a venting session for me and idontunderstand over our beers.

I work very hard at not being judgemental in front of my wife and instead look to understand her point of view and validate it. I will control what I can control, basically myself and what happens with my kids, and will seek to stand up for what THEY need, not what my W thinks they need.

I will also work to ensure my W's actions do not dictate my feelings. I am certain that my position is what is best for me and my kids, regardless of the outcome of my marriage situation. And I know in the end, my position will be validated.

This is a big concern of mine as well. Unfortunately there is nothing that we can do about it if our W's choose to leave. My pastor told me the effect on the kids is unfortunate, but unavoidable if the W goes. You just have to do your best by the kids and deal with it.

My W still reassures me that there is no OM contact outside of what she has already told me.

Today I told her we have never tried to work on our marriage without the OM in the picture, which means we haven't tried at all. At least SHE hasn't tried, but I didn't say that to her.

I offered to her that we try to make it work for 6 months, a year, whatever, as something to think about. Since she still hedges on thinking that my changes are "just words" (not as much as before, I think she is more confident I'm sincere), and is concerned that if she came back she may find my changes are still not what she needs, this allows her to verify that before we destroy the family. I didn't pressure her or give her the timetable, just told her that it was something to consider.

Now she can't say I did not reach out to her. In my mind, you can always get divorced, so what is the risk? If the OM is truly irrelevant in her mind and has not pressured her with his own timetable, it should not be an issue.

"Since she still hedges on thinking that my changes are "just words" (not as much as before, I think she is more confident I'm sincere), and is concerned that if she came back she may find my changes are still not what she needs, this allows her to verify that before we destroy the family. I didn't pressure her or give her the timetable, just told her that it was something to consider."

You're putting too much into what SHE wants. Have you thought about YOUR needs? The thing is that what she wants changes from day to day. You need to stay consistent. Live well and if she chooses to be with you so be it. It's like the thing about God. She has to prove why she's worthy for you. Not the other way around.

With her waffling, I think she's going to lead you through hoops. Stop playing her game and start setting a new set of rules.

"Now she can't say I did not reach out to her."

That seemed like a roundabout way of reaching out to her. Keep the messages short and to the point.

Thanks Bond. I actually think her depression is getting worse, and her mom does too. I want to show loving detachment.

I am addressing one of her concerns/fears about coming back and trying to alleviate that. If she agrees to make an effort to reconcile, believe me, it won't be one sided. I will ensure my needs/boundaries are addressed. I want to convince her that her home will be "safe" for her to return to so that we can get down to the difficult task of reconciliation.

The game has changed slightly in my favor if indeed she is staying away from OM contact. That was my boundary to enable any kind of effort on my part to reach out.

I am dealing with a flip flopping scared cat, and trying to lure it into the house. Me being aware of and even expecting the flip flops helps in dealing with them. It also helps me to not create any expectations.

I appreciate any and all input on these tactics.

Thanks
I know we can't change their minds. I want my kids to know when they're older that I did all I could to make things right.

I have been and will continue to follow your sitch and welcome you to look at mine. All advice is welcome. We're all in kind of the same boat, but as fathers with young children, it adds another dimension to things.

As long as that is what you do, they will know. And they will learn a valuable lesson by your example.

I had read your situation not too long ago, just haven't posted as you have some vets on there helping out. All I can say is like everyone else, I'm with you, we're dealing with the same crap. And whenever you feel good, brace yourself and expect a kick in the gut; makes it much easier to take...

The pain will probably go on longer than you can handle, but you have to find a way to draw on some strength you didn't know you had. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.